Hey Dad,
It's me, Amber. Your princess, your baby girl, your wild thang...your biggest fan. I find myself alone tonight stuck in replays of our memories, stuck in longing for moments where you were just a call or drive away, stuck in moments where you were simply here. Tonight is a night where everyone is out celebrating and ringing in a new year with excitement for all the things to come but I am drowning under the weight that a new year holds. A new year --another year without you.
Over the last week I have been watching all of my friends relive 2018 through statuses, stories, and personal recollections and with all of my force I have been trying so hard not to relive this year, not even for one moment. This has been my toughest year yet, and I never thought I would have a tougher year than the year you passed. The truth is that I think this year was so tough because not only did my heart break into a thousand pieces but I didn't have you to help me put it back together. This year I faced my first real trial without you there to encourage me. Without your warm bed with a mountain of pillows offering me refuge from this world through naps. I know it seems silly but I loved taking naps in your bed while you watched TV when I would come to visit because I felt safe. I was an adult and my daddy's presence still made me feel safe enough that I could slip away from reality even if only through my dreams. You never minded and you never made me feel guilty for napping when I was supposed to be cleaning or doing homework or rubbing your sore feet. You would simply say, "You were tired!" This year I felt my heart break again, the last time it broke like this was when you left this earth and I guess, somehow, between 2014 and 2018 my heart became whole enough again to be able to be shattered into a million pieces once more. It's funny that I didn't even really notice my heart become whole again, but I guess you never feel the repair and strongly as you feel the damage. I know that is what life is about, the repair. And I promise, Dad, that I am going to spend more of my energy focusing on the repair while it's happening instead of the damage that has already been done.
One year ago today I was okay, I remember sharing with West that I felt better than I had in a couple of years and that 2018 was going to my year of growth and the year I conquer my depression! I remember saying that I finally had come to terms with your death and was ready to start healing, truly healing. And now here I am tonight battling my depressive thoughts harder than I ever have. They're right when they say grief comes and goes in waves, because this wave hit me like I was a tourist taking a selfie on the beach and I didn't bring a change of clothes. The sad thing is that I can't even really remember details of this year because I look back and it is a dark cloud of what used to be and never will be again. Don't get me wrong, everything that happened this year is for the better. I am free of the toxicity that was my marriage and have learned that sometimes no matter how much two people love each other they are not a good match. But Dad, just like your death, it is just a reminder of the cruel impermanence of this world. One day you are okay and life is normal and then like a tidal wave crashing in, you are sopping wet with despair and confusion. I know there is always a way to walk farther away from the shore and dry off and then you turn around and look at the beautiful view that life really is, but damn do those waves suck when your in them! All I want is to be able to dance in the waves and feel joy in the moment, even if I forgot a change of clothes. Maybe this all sounds ridiculous to you because you have made it, you are right there with God and you are experiencing immeasurable joy. You are looking down at me and giggling knowing that one day I will see that these things are all part of a grander landscape that I simply cannot visualize, but for right now I feel stuck and longing for your laughter to help me through.
Dad, I loved him. I really did. and now as I sit here today I am filled with a hatred in my heart that I do not want nor understand how to handle. I have never had this type of feeling in my heart and it is so far away from who I am at my core that I do not know how to handle it. It is all so confusing, so frustrating, and I am exhausted. The worst part is that I am so much happier, even today, than I have been over the last 4 years but for some reason my brain is choosing to focus solely on the damage and not the repair. Truly the events of this year have led me to my future and that future is bright and full of unconditional love and a partnership that I never thought could even exist, but I cannot deny the pain my heart is feeling as I remember a year of heartache.
If you were here I know you would tell me how proud of me you are. What baffles me is that every aspect of my life today is one hundred percent different than it was when you were here. I am not even close to the same person I used to be, thank the good Lord for his grace and redemption! I have a career now, and I am so good at it! I love animals.. I know! hard to believe! I even have three of my own animals, even a lizard! Can you believe it!? You would love Elliott, she is pretty cool! Kimbra and Odin are the highlight of my days, every day. Odin's world spins for me and Kimbra, well Kimbra is a giant goof. You would be so proud of how hard I work and how passionate I am about what I do! (I know you'd be saying that you aren't surprised because I have always put my all into whatever I am doing, but this time it is different. This time it is right. This time it is truly my calling.) I finally went back to school. I haven't since you died because I let my depression win and cause me to build a laziness within me when I am not at work that did not allow me to devote myself to school, but I am conquering this and I am doing well! And despite my heartache, you would be proud of how I handled my divorce. I have handled it with grace, if I do say so myself, even in times where anger and malice would have been warranted. You would be so proud of how mindful I am growing to be. You would be proud of my heart and my desire to help my fellow man. You would be proud of how serious and genuine I am when I ask my cashier's how they are doing, and Dad, that is something I have learned from you. You would be so proud of the friends I have. The Helmers are truly a gift from God to me. They love me so unconditionally and they are the family I get to choose to love back unconditionally every day! Most importantly, you would be proud that I started going back to church and this time I have truly began to posture my heart to Christ in a way I never have. I miss you so much tonight that it physically hurts, but I know that you would want me to be okay and you would want me to keep finding purpose in my life.
More than anything Dad, I want to tell you about Zach. Do you remember me talking about my coworkers at titan? He was the one I made fun of the most... Well, I am for sure going to marry him one day. Despite the gloom that hovers over this year, I cannot be completely sad because this year also brought him back into my life and with a purpose. He is so good, Dad. He treats me like a queen, but he also doesn't take my crap. He understands me, he truly listens to me and lets me explain my literal yet sometimes irrational brain. He never assumes the worst about me and always gives me the benefit of the doubt even when I don't deserve it. He is quick to forgive and so eager to love with all that he is. He is good to me and good to others, and best of all loves it when I sing almost as much as you did! One day you'll meet him, and on that day I know you will shake his hand and thank him for taking care of your baby girl in a way that no one else was capable of.
I guess I just needed to write you a letter to feel a little closer to you today, as irrational as that may be. But Daddy, if there is a way you are reading this from heaven I want you to know that I will be okay. I love you. I miss you every day. I am thankful for your generous heart that I have been able to inherit and I am so thankful for the love you showed me that I get to reminisce on in these moments of sadness. I know 2019 will be a better year and I am going into it reflecting on one of the versus you had highlighted in your bible I got you for father's day four and a half years ago.
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." -2 Corinthians 5:17
Hugs. Squeezers. Kisses.
