Cyborg

I don’t know how to make this burning feeling in my chest go away. I fear I have cried all the tears my body will allow and now my body has found another way to react to these raw emotions. My heart is so confused, my feelings are so hurt, who I am seems to have been shattered and I do not know how to begin to be normal again. I can’t tell if this feeling in my chest is emptiness or pressure, it’s a strange feeling, a physical manifestation of loss.

I wish I could sleep. I wish I could sit in quiet and not think of you or what I would have been doing in this exact moment were you still here, but I wish you peace. My whole life seems to have changed overnight and I can’t find my footing to stand back up. Will I ever be myself again or am I a new me? I’m not sure I like the new me, if that’s the case.  I feel lost and alone and like I have absolutely no answers. I don’t know how to talk to people about what my heart is feeling and my head is thinking, all I know how to do is hide behind this computer screen and my journals. God, is this lonely.  I thought I had a plan for my life. We talked about starting a family one day, and now that vision is one that pains me to ponder. I miss you. I miss my best friend. Mostly, I miss what I thought we were. We were growing, but growing together because that’s what it means to grow old with someone.

I wish I could tell you these things, and have it matter. I wish you understood my heart. I wish I could stop missing you quickly, but I worry I may never stop missing you at all. It’s strange how one person can be so madly in love and the other be so great at pretending. It’s almost inconceivable to me that one person can be so honest (too honest you would say) and the other be so skilled at hiding their feelings. I wish you would have been more open and I wish I would have listened to the words you weren’t saying. Sometimes the things that aren’t said are more important than the things that are.

I wish I could be the cyborg you think I am, maybe then this wouldn’t hurt so badly.

Who I am today is not who I want to be

Hidden behind the emoji smiles and “Lol” texts
Is it a lie if my heart wants to believe it?
Is it pretending if I want it to be true?
Wishing I was as happy as that smiley face I just sent to you.
Alas my brain stutters, shuffling through the long list of regrets.

How many lies can fit in those red heart eyes?
Enough to fill the void that I am so dangerously close to falling in.
Or am I the void intrinsically?
Lying to escape who I am, who I was, what I define as me.
Just looking to escape actual reality, though you see smiles my heart just cries.

Hidden behind the screens, what plays out on the inside
It’s for only my heart to see.
The hurt, the longing for what once was, the sorrow
Hoping for just one yesterday to borrow.
But today I’ll send “I’m doing fine” and allow the inside to hide.

Is there an emoji for “I literally cannot breathe”
How about one for “who I was yesterday is not who I am today”
What if I sent one that captured, “I don’t know how to be me without you”
Unfortunately those words are just too long overdue.
Into the numbness I allow myself to concede.

“Im doing well, and yourself” accompanied by a smiley face emoji.
The strong are never as strong as they want you to see.

Welcome home

I never thought I would wish that I could simplify my brain. After all, I have always said that I was not blessed with talents for I was blessed with a beautiful brain. To some that may sound conceited, truly it is a pride that I have found in my intellectual nature. This intellect has pushed me away from many, it has caused me to be an outsider and to feel alone in this journey, but what is art if you don’t struggle for it.

Art. My thought patterns they are works of art. The world that plays out in front of my eyes, plays a film filled with innovation, insight, but mostly longing to understand and be understood. I guess that’s the struggle artists face too, they want their works to be understood. To impact someone in such a way that they are two people —before understanding said work of art and after. Not always is it a positive response that art ilicits, but at least it is always honest.

Will my brain ever be someone’s work of art? Will it’s true nature and intended messages be understood. I feel like I’m a piece in the art gallery that people look at for a brief moment but the compexity steers them elsewhere. On to simpler art. Easier to understand and relate to art. On to art that makes sense and does not address the dark parts of life. Art that is comfortable. I’d give anything to make you comfortable.

Mad in Love

If Westley knew I was about to post this, he would hang me by my feet from the bedroom ceiling... Alas, I am going to risk it and bring the thoughts in my mind out through the keyboard in front of me.

Lately, we have been dealing with a lot in our relationship. Not between us, everything between us is perfect and I couldn't be happier, but outside influences have been adding some extra complexities. My health has been a bit rocky, and outside people have also been contributing to the stress. I just want to outwardly express how grateful I am to have Westley by my side through everything. I have learned what unconditional love truly means, and have been so blessed to experience it.

Thank you Westley for reminding me of who I am when I forget. Thank you for making me want to be a better person. Thank you for holding my hand through my crippling depression and providing me the strength to stand on days where I only want to fall down. Thank you for my private concerts that stop my anxiety attacks when I can't take my medication. You may never know just how much those songs mean to me, just how much you mean to me, or even just how happy I am to call you mine. I love you and am sorry for posting this :P

Lately when I am feeling anxious and scared about life Westley grabs his guitar and plays for me. I have this video on my phone to serve as a reminder that I am loved when I am away from him and panicking. (Don't kill me West.)

Hugs, Squeezers, Kisses, Westley.
I love you, Sweetie!

A Case of the Mondays

    Ever have one of those Mondays where everything goes right? Where you are excited as heck to jump out of bed, kiss your significant other goodbye, and rush off to work gleefully whistling like a bird the whole way? .....Yeah me neither.

     Lately it seems as if my Mondays are approaching too quickly and I am increasingly exhausted with adult life. Why is that? Maybe I am not getting enough sleep. Maybe I am still figuring out who I am. Maybe I work too much. Or maybe I just need to change my perspective of things --I am leaning towards the latter.

     So, today is the day I decide to put on those rose colored glasses, even if only for a few moments a day, and observe the world through a new set of eyes. I decided that beauty is in all walks of life. It can be felt, seen, touched, and experienced daily. The only problem is that as human beings we rarely stop to notice it. I am so guilty of this, I get so worked up in my day to day life that I rarely ever stop to see just how amazing the world around me is. Well today I have endeavored to begin a new journey, an adventure in seeking beauty, really breathing it in and letting it affect me at my core. I have made it my goal to notice something abnormally beautiful daily and write it in my journal. Those observations I find exceptionally noteworthy I shall write about, because why not?!?

The world could use a bit more rose colored glasses placed on the noses of its beholders...don't you think?

For today, the beauty I found is derived from the following:

 

I want to encourage everybody who reads this, including myself, to remember that the struggle is part of the story. 

We all have a story, we all have a past.

We all have a history both grand and vast.

If hidden away and rejected as our own,

we may never fully reap what is sown. 

The trials, tribulations, and struggles we face

are there to shape us --they do have their place.

So worry not, because your soul is still forming,

its learning and changing, daily its growing.
Rest at ease, for a new day will arise,
simply let this struggle remain where it lies.
For in the end you will see that it changed you,
polished, perfect, and amazingly brand new. 

Dear Dad, Tell Me How

Dear Dad,
    Tell me how to be okay without you. Please. I need to know the secret to not missing you like crazy everyday. Tell me how to feel you here with me even though you are not any longer. Tell me how to not let this anxiety overtake my existence. Teach me how to have your resilience. Daddy, I am not done learning from you yet. I am not done growing into the woman that you would be proud of, but I need help. I can't do this alone.
     I don't want to be so terrified of the future, I don't want to have this fear any longer. Please tell me how to rid my life of it. I woke up today feeling anxious about the day ahead of me, the weeks ahead of me, the years. Sometimes it just hits me that I will face these multitude of days without hearing from you and that thought is paralyzing. When I lost you I told myself that I wouldn't date anyone new simply because they wouldn't have known the most pivotal man in my life, but I met someone new and I would give anything for you to know him. I am not as anxious about this as I thought I would be months ago, I think it is because I know you would love him. He has many of the qualities I loved about you. He is a selfless person, he is sweet, he would give me the shirt off of his back, if I needed it. He takes good care of me, and I know you would have fallen in love with him as quickly as I have. And yet, even with this knowledge, even with the clarity of mind that he would have your approval, I feel anxious. I feel anxious for no reason really, and because of that I feel crazy. I would give anything to have met him earlier simply so he could know you.
     I guess what scares me most is that my life is continuing on without you. I know that essentially this is a good thing. It is amazing that I have grown enough in the last nine months to build a life without you directly in it, but God, it is so terrifying. I am starting a new chapter in my life and you aren't here to observe it --that breaks me. I decided to take a night to myself tonight to just wallow. That's okay right? It's okay to just cry and to miss you, right? I know what you're thinking, "Amber, you shouldn't be alone. You should ask a friend to be there with you." But Daddy, I can't. I hate being weak in front of people and it hurts even more because the only person I want to be there with me is driving tanks and race cars in heaven. Tell me how to feel you near so I can get through this evening without you physically by my side. Tell me how to remember what your voice sounds like so I can hear you tell me you are proud of me. Tell me how to not miss you in such a crippling fashion.

Hugs, Squeezers, Kisses
See you soon.

The Music to my Madness

     It is mind blowing how quickly life can change, how pivotal one human being can be in the entire makeup of your day to day existence. You wake up in the morning with a vague idea of how our day is going to go, thinking you have your week planned, doubting any life altering occasions will be occurring. Then, BOOM!

You meet someone who changes everything.

     Its not that you were unhappy, because you weren't, you just had no idea you could be this happy. Everyday was the same, you woke up and went to your obligatory adult tasks. You got home, you studied, you went to sleep only to start the same routine the next day. You weren't unhappy, just comfortably content. You spent time wishing you could find something, or someone, who sparks a fire in you that can't be stifled. Enter stage right: Westley Rose.

     Meeting you was the luckiest coincidence of my life. I had no idea someone could have it all, but you do. You are literally the music to my madness, and I couldn't be happier. Yes, this blog is cheesey and mushy and oh so freaking adorable, but I needed to write down everything my brain is thinking:

1. Thank you for holding me when I am melting from a stressful day. 
2. Thank you for making me feel beautiful/adorable. 
3. Not a day goes by that you don't tell me I am wonderful, or that you are lucky to have me.
4. I love that I never have to question how you are feeling, you tell me. 
5. Thank you for being a gentleman. 
6. Thank you for coming to my front door on our first date. 
7. Thank you for walking me to my door afterwards.
8. Thank you for not trying to kiss me at said door. 
9. You are so respectful and sweet.
10. Thank you for all of the times you provide me with private concerts, even if you don't feel like playing or singing. 
11. Thank you for making me feel at home. 
12. I am so happy to love all of your friends and family, and to have that adoration reciprocated. 
13. Back massages and foot rubs. Need I say more?
14. You are so talented. Nothing fills me with more joy than watching you create, play, and live your music. 
15. Thank you for fighting away my nightmares. 
16. All of the coffee you make me.... I love you for this most. 
17. Thank you for listening to my venting about life and reminding me that everything will be okay. 
18. Thank you for supporting me in everything that I do.
19. Thank you for allowing me to support you. 
20. I love that you are proud of me, that you want me to meet the important people in your life. 
21. I love that you find joy in making me happy.
22. Thank you for introducing me to Brooklynne. 
23. And Scrubs. 
24. And da da da da da snootch!
25. I love our gentle head bumps.
26. Pinky promises that hold more weight that a legally binding document.
27. Forehead kisses that send me over the moon. 
28. Thank you for being weird and allowing me to be weird with you.
29. Thank you for reminding me of my worth and making me feel special.   

Westley Rose, I love you to pieces.