Sweetly Broken, or Longing to be

When I lift my hands to praise you, Lord, do you see the stains they carry?
I’ve turned my face from you, God, my faith it has grown weary.

Unable to seek you in times of loss; pain kept me from seeking your heart.
My God of love, mercy, and comfort, but my God I tried to outsmart.

Lord, I come to you now standing sweetly broken beneath this mountain.
Help me to have faith in you, God, Humility without my doubting.

For if this mountain you do not move, there is undoubtedly a reason.
Help me to trust in you blindly, Lord, through all of life’s seasons.

Humble me to seek your love and rest in your perfect timing.
I give my heart to you, dear God, solely for your perfect refining.

Learning to Live Without Air

Missing you is like missing air as I try to breathe in and out. 

Suffocating under the weight of a heart that used to be whole. 

An extension of myself, the only soul to know my mind. 

The most unfortunate of situations, the lack of oxygen never takes it’s toll. 

I only learn to adapt to a life without air. 

Mountain Vs. Melody

Sitting inside our rowboat, together side by side
A common goal, a destination, we'll reach it despite high tides.
In the distance I see mountains, deep hues of blue and green.
An oar for each of us to use, so much beauty yet to be seen.

We weren't prepared for the current, our ship moved by the undertow,
The only thing that could be done was look ahead and continue to row.
Steadfast eyes focused on the mountains, such a beautiful sight to see.
All will be well when we get there, we'll be together and we'll be free.

You fell asleep in our small row boat just as a rock appeared in our way.
"Fret not my sweet love," I whispered, "I won't let us go astray."
I chart another course, still headed for the great beauty.
I rowed on while you slept, watching with love as you dreamt beside me.

I fear my course was wrong, my heart grew heavy as my arms grew tired,
"Please wake up my sweet love," I plead, "for I need to be inspired."
Never did I resent you for escaping to your dreams,
I kept rowing because the mountains could still be seen.

I truly thought you'd wake up rested, ready to row beside my heart.
Alas you woke up startled and shaken, while you were dreaming we drifted apart,

You awoke confused and angry, feeling a genuine lack of control.

While in your slumber you dreamt of a different place, one where a melody sings to your soul. 

Alarmed that I did not keep the course we had mapped out at the start.
But the rock had forced me to rework our course, "It was all for us." I try to impart.
"I had to keep rowing to keep us afloat." My words fell on ears already occupied.
You jump ship to chase your dream, leaving me in the boat where my own dreams only died.

Maybe had I dreamt alongside you the tide would have carried us safely home,
for now the mountain seems much less appealing when you are forced to reach it on your own.
Blues and greens now tinted gray with the memories yet to be made,
We would have made it safely there if only you had stayed.

I wish I could hear the melody that stole your heart from me as you slept,
It must have been truly beautiful, for all of you it did intercept.
Had I known our journey would take this turn, a fitting harmony I would have created.
Maybe then you would be proud of me, my endless support only leaving you elated.

Or was the melody ever-present, lulling you into happiness each time you closed your eyes.
Did it trap your heart in those dreams and while awake you told your own heart lies.
Maybe in the middle of the ocean, in a row boat built for you and I,
Your heart made it's final decision, it no longer wanted to lie.

I wish you joy and I wish you peace, I hope your heart is filled with song,
I'll keep listening for all my days for if I hear what you heard, maybe I'll know just where I went wrong.

Cyborg

I don’t know how to make this burning feeling in my chest go away. I fear I have cried all the tears my body will allow and now my body has found another way to react to these raw emotions. My heart is so confused, my feelings are so hurt, who I am seems to have been shattered and I do not know how to begin to be normal again. I can’t tell if this feeling in my chest is emptiness or pressure, it’s a strange feeling, a physical manifestation of loss.

I wish I could sleep. I wish I could sit in quiet and not think of you or what I would have been doing in this exact moment were you still here, but I wish you peace. My whole life seems to have changed overnight and I can’t find my footing to stand back up. Will I ever be myself again or am I a new me? I’m not sure I like the new me, if that’s the case.  I feel lost and alone and like I have absolutely no answers. I don’t know how to talk to people about what my heart is feeling and my head is thinking, all I know how to do is hide behind this computer screen and my journals. God, is this lonely.  I thought I had a plan for my life. We talked about starting a family one day, and now that vision is one that pains me to ponder. I miss you. I miss my best friend. Mostly, I miss what I thought we were. We were growing, but growing together because that’s what it means to grow old with someone.

I wish I could tell you these things, and have it matter. I wish you understood my heart. I wish I could stop missing you quickly, but I worry I may never stop missing you at all. It’s strange how one person can be so madly in love and the other be so great at pretending. It’s almost inconceivable to me that one person can be so honest (too honest you would say) and the other be so skilled at hiding their feelings. I wish you would have been more open and I wish I would have listened to the words you weren’t saying. Sometimes the things that aren’t said are more important than the things that are.

I wish I could be the cyborg you think I am, maybe then this wouldn’t hurt so badly.

Who I am today is not who I want to be

Hidden behind the emoji smiles and “Lol” texts
Is it a lie if my heart wants to believe it?
Is it pretending if I want it to be true?
Wishing I was as happy as that smiley face I just sent to you.
Alas my brain stutters, shuffling through the long list of regrets.

How many lies can fit in those red heart eyes?
Enough to fill the void that I am so dangerously close to falling in.
Or am I the void intrinsically?
Lying to escape who I am, who I was, what I define as me.
Just looking to escape actual reality, though you see smiles my heart just cries.

Hidden behind the screens, what plays out on the inside
It’s for only my heart to see.
The hurt, the longing for what once was, the sorrow
Hoping for just one yesterday to borrow.
But today I’ll send “I’m doing fine” and allow the inside to hide.

Is there an emoji for “I literally cannot breathe”
How about one for “who I was yesterday is not who I am today”
What if I sent one that captured, “I don’t know how to be me without you”
Unfortunately those words are just too long overdue.
Into the numbness I allow myself to concede.

“Im doing well, and yourself” accompanied by a smiley face emoji.
The strong are never as strong as they want you to see.

Welcome home

I never thought I would wish that I could simplify my brain. After all, I have always said that I was not blessed with talents for I was blessed with a beautiful brain. To some that may sound conceited, truly it is a pride that I have found in my intellectual nature. This intellect has pushed me away from many, it has caused me to be an outsider and to feel alone in this journey, but what is art if you don’t struggle for it.

Art. My thought patterns they are works of art. The world that plays out in front of my eyes, plays a film filled with innovation, insight, but mostly longing to understand and be understood. I guess that’s the struggle artists face too, they want their works to be understood. To impact someone in such a way that they are two people —before understanding said work of art and after. Not always is it a positive response that art ilicits, but at least it is always honest.

Will my brain ever be someone’s work of art? Will it’s true nature and intended messages be understood. I feel like I’m a piece in the art gallery that people look at for a brief moment but the compexity steers them elsewhere. On to simpler art. Easier to understand and relate to art. On to art that makes sense and does not address the dark parts of life. Art that is comfortable. I’d give anything to make you comfortable.

Mad in Love

If Westley knew I was about to post this, he would hang me by my feet from the bedroom ceiling... Alas, I am going to risk it and bring the thoughts in my mind out through the keyboard in front of me.

Lately, we have been dealing with a lot in our relationship. Not between us, everything between us is perfect and I couldn't be happier, but outside influences have been adding some extra complexities. My health has been a bit rocky, and outside people have also been contributing to the stress. I just want to outwardly express how grateful I am to have Westley by my side through everything. I have learned what unconditional love truly means, and have been so blessed to experience it.

Thank you Westley for reminding me of who I am when I forget. Thank you for making me want to be a better person. Thank you for holding my hand through my crippling depression and providing me the strength to stand on days where I only want to fall down. Thank you for my private concerts that stop my anxiety attacks when I can't take my medication. You may never know just how much those songs mean to me, just how much you mean to me, or even just how happy I am to call you mine. I love you and am sorry for posting this :P

Lately when I am feeling anxious and scared about life Westley grabs his guitar and plays for me. I have this video on my phone to serve as a reminder that I am loved when I am away from him and panicking. (Don't kill me West.)

Hugs, Squeezers, Kisses, Westley.
I love you, Sweetie!