September 27th

Some days the numbness wins. I am alive but I am not living. I yearn for this emptiness to be filled. I yearn to be understood. I yearn for a connection so deep and intimate that boredom never arises in my soul. Alas, the timing can not be right...you cannot be. Some days I am completely apathetic to existence and I yearn to be awakened from the seemingly never ending sleep paralysis that is said apathy.  I have yearned for a soul that touches mine gently yet strong enough that it is undeniable that that soul is filled with a passion for the heart of humanity, and able to be passionate for my heart. Still in this moment my fear of the impending apathy will close this heart for maintenance until god can form granulation tissue over it’s wounds. I yearn for a reason to be drawn from this dispondent state, but I need that reason to be my loving God.

Above all else, I yearn to be alive and truly live, simultaneously.

To love as you love

I hunger for a heart that pumps unconditional love, mirroring the love you give me so freely. 

A love that is patient, and kind in all things, Lord, I’m eager to see your people clearly. 

Give me your eyes and your heart for mankind, help me to not envy nor boast. 

Loving you fiercely and mirroring your heart, I long to be fully engrossed. 

Rid my heart of the pride I carry, allow me to yield without second guessing. 

An extension of your perfect grace, to all that I meet allow me to be a blessing. 

Strip me of my carnal self, to not dishonor you or others,

Break my habits that you deem self seeking, only eager to love my sisters and brothers. 

Give me peace to refrain from anger, meekly understanding all things

To truly forgive even when it takes effort, to love fiercely in all that life brings. 

Help me to protect my fellow man, guard their hearts as you guard mine;

Give me your heart to trust, hope and persevere, letting your unshakable love shine. 

Peace Prevails. Fear Fades.

Clarity breaks through and peace arises,
It is cloaked in shades of blues, greens, and golds.
Formulated through moments of deep reflection,
ready to humbly watch my future unfold.

Fear does not own me, it has not won.
Tomorrow’s sun rises on a newly refined soul.
To see the world through eyes laced with kindness,
kindness that helped make a heart freshly whole.

Still in the small times

It’s the small times,

the seconds that float by in-between the moments. 

They breathe impartial clarity. 

In those brief thresholds of existing in every moment

as they come,

I am offered a reflection of who I yearn to be. 

With an equitable evaluation of what has been 

and what’s projected, 

I yearn to embrace tomorrow unequivocally. 

Yet still in those small times, 

the seconds that float by in-between the moments,

I am finding I miss you endlessly. 

The Truth is

Today is a thought-filled Monday. Today is a day that I just need to sit down and write out all of my feelings, for personal clarity above all else. I am entering into one of the most pivotal weeks of my young adult life, I am both afraid and heartbroken but desperately wanting to seek growth through this. I ask for prayers of strength and unshakable faith that there is a plan and that I will arise from this a stronger, more compassionate, and more aware human being. You may not know, but Westley and I are going through a divorce. My heart is broken for us, not just me but Westley as well as I know this decision was not an easy one for him to make. Westley is seeking growth in his own life and is eager to chase a dream and an idea of himself that our relationship unintentionally pressured him to stifle, I can do nothing but appreciate his dedication to himself and wish the best for him. There is no room for anger in my heart, there is no place for thoughts of malice for I have loved him with my entire being and that will never be changed. I truly do not believe in grudges or that it is possible to stop loving someone, at least that is not how my heart works. I am eager to love other humans and my love is not a pie chart, it grows indefinitely. Westley has had the largest part of my heart for quite some time now and though I am devastated that our book together is coming to a close, I am trying to appreciate it for what it is and be honest with myself. Although the decision for a divorce was one that Westley made, I would be dishonest with myself if I said that I do not hold some weight in this, for I have not been as patient with him as I should have been over the years and I have made many mistakes in our relationship. I know that relationships are not perfect and I am learning and growing daily, the sad truth is that as West and I are growing and learning to understand each other better with each day that passes, and while this has energized me and made me feel closer to him, to him it showed that he has not quite found himself and feels he needs to grow individually before he can partner in life with another soul. My love for him is endless and unconditional and though we are going to be apart my prayers will always be for his growth and favor. I want to own my shortcomings and take responsibility for the times I was not a loving wife and through accepting this my hope is to grow into a better human filled with more compassion than I ever thought possible.

Westley is embarking on a journey to live with his parents in Indiana. He leaves in 3 days and with him he will be taking a piece of my heart. The truth is that I am not certain I know how to live a life without him by my side. He truly is my best friend and the only soul that I can spill my heart to. The truth is that I am terrified of how lonely I am going to be without him. The truth is that I wish this wasn't happening, but resistance is not going to make this process any easier. With him leaving this has all become real, and it is almost too much to handle. Sometimes our life does not play out the way we thought it was going to and that is so terrifying, especially when you have no clue where it is going to go next. In one day my whole life changed and with that my "plans" for the future vanished. The unknown is the scariest part of living this life, and I am having to face it head on. I guess what I am so scared of is that my dream of having a family and being a mom is disappearing before my eyes. Everyone keeps telling me that it will all be okay, that I am only 24 and that I have so much life ahead of me. I know this to be true, I really do, but it does not make this process any easier. Divorce is never easy, but when one person does not want divorce and the other does, at 24 it shifts your prospective of unconditional love. It makes you scared for what the future holds because you thought you had it all and in one day the veil was lifted, It hurts your trust no matter how hard you fight to not let your trust be damaged. The truth is that I feel broken and lost and very alone.

Now, I know I have so many people surrounding me who love me and I know that I have been the distant one with all of those people through this. I am not sure why it has been so hard on me to lean on those around me, but it seems impossible right now. Please forgive me friends for seeking shelter in solitude at the moment. I am lonely, but for some reason company only makes me feel lonelier and that is so confusing and frustrating. I think it is because everyone knows me as the strong, determined, never wavering woman that I have always been, the woman who does not let life's challenges defeat her. But I am feeling very defeated and I do not know how to handle this emotion for it is unfamiliar to me. I desperately want to be okay for everyone else in my life, but the truth is that I am so far from okay, but right now I think I need to not be okay...just for a little bit. I am not used to being broken around other people, I feel guilty when I allow my emotions to effect the lives of those I love, but right now I cannot help my emotions from surfacing for I am shattered. The truth is that I don't want to talk about how sad I am with others, I just want to be sad and I want that to be okay for right now. The strange thing is that I am seeking friendship with people who do not know me well because to me it is refreshing. I have started going to a new church where no one knows me, no one knows anything about me so I can have superficial companionship and seek God because that is all my heart craves right now. I think my heart is too raw for anything other than human connection at it's basic level. Please forgive me friends for being distant, and thank you all for the continued love you have all poured into me. Your kind words and messages of support have not gone unnoticed and I do really appreciate them even if I am not able to formulate appropriate heart felt responses at the moment. I do not want them to stop for they really do warm my heart and bring me joy in those moments to know that I have friends and family who love me. I just ask for patience in this time and understanding that I may not be able to reach out to you, even if t is what I need to do right now because I am deeply hurting and unbelievably lonely. Please understand that I am struggling, and although I am not reaching out to any of you that it means more than you will ever know to have you reach out to me without the expectation of explanation or deep connection. The truth is that my depression and anxiety are winning right now, and though they will never conquer me, I am struggling to keep my head afloat, but am not able to reach out to others due to the numbness towards human connection that accompany depression and anxiety.

As this week starts I am so scared to say goodbye to my husband, to half my heart, to the future I had held so dear in my dreams. But I refuse to allow this to break me for I believe in a god that works in all things. I have to believe in him right now, I simply have no other option.

Sweetly Broken, or Longing to be

When I lift my hands to praise you, Lord, do you see the stains they carry?
I’ve turned my face from you, God, my faith it has grown weary.

Unable to seek you in times of loss; pain kept me from seeking your heart.
My God of love, mercy, and comfort, but my God I tried to outsmart.

Lord, I come to you now standing sweetly broken beneath this mountain.
Help me to have faith in you, God, Humility without my doubting.

For if this mountain you do not move, there is undoubtedly a reason.
Help me to trust in you blindly, Lord, through all of life’s seasons.

Humble me to seek your love and rest in your perfect timing.
I give my heart to you, dear God, solely for your perfect refining.

Learning to Live Without Air

Missing you is like missing air as I try to breathe in and out. 

Suffocating under the weight of a heart that used to be whole. 

An extension of myself, the only soul to know my mind. 

The most unfortunate of situations, the lack of oxygen never takes it’s toll. 

I only learn to adapt to a life without air.