Solitude. A word with so much inner
meaning, so much connotation of both neutral and negative regards. A word that
depending on where you are fixed in your life’s journey, or how you are
currently viewing your circumstances, can hold many different faces. In
solitude you can find peace. In solitude you can find growth. In solitude you
can find independence and strength. In solitude you can find great depression.
In solitude you can lose hope. In solitude you can lose yourself. Solitude, a
noun, meaning a state or situation of being alone; in a lonely or uninhabited
place. The definition itself even sounds somber. For how can one be entirely
isolated and not feel empty? How can one be completely solitary and not
encompass seclusion? How can one be vastly unaccompanied and not harbor
reclusiveness? Being alone also has many facets, for one can be physically
unattended but feel the love and care of others even without tangible
correspondence. They are alone but not lonely. One can be in a room surrounded
by many faces while still feeling entirely destitute and withdrawn. They are
lonesome but not alone. One can even have people, close people, telling them
they are loved and cared for and still feel companionless. They are blind.
I am
blind.
For I walk through this world with
eyes closed to the beauty around me. The beauty in friendships, the beauty in
love, the beauty in empathetic people. As my heart has built up walls
protecting itself, it has also closed off my eyes from seeing this world, and
the people in it, the way I should. I have become blind and hardened. I have
become selfish; Rejecting the open hands and offers for solace in my own pride
and fear. I have let the tear-filled past shape my lonely present, in turn
tarnishing my ever changing future. I have molded the perimeter set around my
being with such pessimism and distaste for sympathetic interactions that I am
unable to differentiate between those who actually love and those who
despitefully use, leaving me to do the one thing I do best –run away. I have
picked up this one and only self-defense mechanism and it is escape; harmful to
those who care and beneficial to those who don’t. I am so afraid of being
vulnerable and simply just existing that I disappear before anyone can see me
in that place. Even the ones who want to know me fully and desire to understand
and nurture my vulnerability.
The truth is everyone has people
who care about them. The people who know exactly who you are, and what makes
you a psychotic human being. The people who see all of your flaws and know
exactly how poorly human nature has tainted your existence, but love you
anyway. The people who despite all of your short comings lay by your side all
night long just to ensure your sorrows don’t swallow up your existence. The
people who wipe your tears on your front lawn while you wail about how unfair
death is to the people left behind. The people who draw sparkler shapes in memory of your dad all over
your court. The people who sternly tell you that life goes on and to buck up,
providing you with a harsh reminder that they love you because you desperately
needed it. The people who bring you taco bell and ice cream at midnight because
your depression has caused you to not eat. The people who text you daily to
make sure you remember to smile. The long lost friend who resurfaces in your
life, providing you with hour long phone calls about what has happened since we
were 14. The ones who foster the positivity to make work go by so much faster.
The ones who tell jokes to build up office morale. The roommates that watch chick
flicks with you, willingly revoking all of their manliness just because you
want to see them. The people who sit by your side and hold your hand through
every hospital trip and doctor’s appointment. The people who take you to the
most beautiful spot on the beach because you need to remember beauty even for a
moment. The people who remind you that you are beautiful, and constantly
compliment the way you smell and your pretty hair –even if you don’t recognize
it yourself. The people who give forehead kisses when they are most needed. The
people who cry at the thought of losing you to giving up on this world; who
care so much about you that having you not recognize their love brings them to
tears –even if you have only known them for a couple months. The people who
open up to you and let you have a piece of their heart and mind. The people who
through all of your insanity have stood by you because they know your character
and they know who you long to be. The people who know you better than you know
yourself and see the worth even when you don’t. The people who even though they
rarely ever pay attention to their phone spend two entire days in virtual
correspondence with you to help field through your sorrows. The people who are
patient with you in all of your moodiness and inability to love completely. The
people who have not given up on you when it feels like the whole world is considering it.
For
even in my blindness, I see.
I see your love and I am trying so
diligently to recognize and reciprocate it. The truth is, every day I feel
alone. I know you all are there for me but the solitude has set in. I am
working so hard to get past it. Just know, that I see and am grateful for all
you do for me. I am sorry for my short comings. I am sorry I run away from you.
I can only promise to try better one day at a time.
It is important that we do not
forget the people who are no longer standing by our sides. The ones who did
give up on us. For every person enters your life with the capacity to change
it. Some are meant to be there for a short time and alter it then, others are
the true givers who stay for the vast journey that is your existence. I
appreciate those who came and went, for I am certain that I gained something
from them. The ones who showed you what it meant to take spontaneous drives at
four in the morning just to think. The one who saved your life when you
couldn’t hold on. The one who made you promise to never give up. The one who
stayed up many nights listening to you vent about your love drama with his brother,
and genuinely trying to help. The ones who helped you remember who you were
when you had forgotten. The ones who tried to fight your stubbornness and make
you go to the doctor. The ones who offered distraction from sadness with best
friend movie dates. The ones who told you how it was with such brutal honesty
that your life would be altered forever. The one who broke your heart and
taught you to forgive. The ones who held your hand and carried you to your bed
when you couldn’t walk. The ones who made you laugh and sang to you. The ones
who took you into their home and offered you refuge from the world. The one who
showed you exactly how beautiful brains can be. The one with the kind eyes.
The
ones who taught you the benefit of despondency and numbness –how advantageous
barriers can be.
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