If I Wasn't Me.

     For the first time in my life I am struggling with writer's block. My emotions are in such a place where my brain and my heart cannot cooperate. Simply put, even I cannot understand my thoughts enough to express them through writing. This has been a strange dilemma for me to face, my whole life I have kept journals and found so much ease in collecting my thoughts through writing. I am not very good at communicating face to face what my heart really feels, I find so much comfort in the shelter of my computer screen. Somehow, hidden behind my keyboard I feel much less vulnerable. Regardless, I have so many things that I need to just let out. So today I have embarked on a mission to just write, this may be the worst entry I have ever written due to the incoherent nature of my mind currently, but I just need to let it flow and hope that I emerge from this block a reformed version of myself.
 
     I have been struggling with the idea of identity. Mainly with the idea of myself having an identity. I am caught in this existential crisis, not knowing if I act the way I do because that is who I really am or who I want others to see me as. I do not feel as if the persona I allow people to see is fake, merely just a censored version of the reality that is my inner consciousness. I am beginning to realize, however, that in order to be the most whole human I can, I need to bring my inner self in line with who I portray myself as. This thought terrifies me, not because I feel who I am internally is bad, frankly it is because who I am is deep and I worry it is too deep for others to want to hold onto. I find that I allow myself this hard exterior and pretend that I am strong and resilient, when really I am more sensitive than I have ever let anyone else see. I feel everything so fully, and I have spent the last few years pushing that part of me aside. In doing this, I get really hurt because other people do not know how sensitive I really am or how adversely I am effected by their actions. The truth is, I over think every word spoken to me, I over analyze why I was not good enough, I beat myself up over lost opportunities, and I constantly wonder if things would be different if I wasn't me. But I do not let others see this, so they have no way of knowing that I am torn, instead I just quietly break down over my piano. I have wanted to be a warrior, to not show weakness, even when I am crumbling. Partly in fear of others reactions, because I have this profound insecurity accompanied by a fear that maybe the real me couldn't be loved. Partly because I want others to feel like they can come to me and have a friend to stand strong for them when they feel their life is being uprooted.

And partly because sometimes pretending to not feel is simply easier.

     I have this really great friend who has always been able to see the hurt in my heart no matter how many times I lie to him and tell him I am okay. He has spent many nights begging me to just be honest with him instead of locking myself in my room to vent through my keyboard. I have always heard the things he told me and advice he gave, but I don't think I have really ever listened. We were talking last week about where I am at in life and I opened up to him about how lonely I have been feeling. He ripped open my entire universe with the advice he gave me. I have spent years thinking that no one understood my brain, and here I sat in a chair in his living room while he seemed to understand me better than I did. He told me that I need to just be myself. Now I know what you are thinking, we have all heard this advice from many different sources growing up. Our parents told us to be ourselves to make friends at school. Big sisters told us to just be ourselves on our first dates. Grandparents told us to just be ourselves at our first job interviews. It is a prevailing comment in our culture, yet I don't think I have ever embraced it. mainly out of fear that myself isn't good enough. I always wonder what the world would be like if I wasn't me, instead what if I was confident, gorgeous, charismatic, funny, and not so emotional. I have concluded that that thought is stupid! I am made this way for a reason and a purpose. even my flaws have value and to be emotional is not a flaw but a gift allowing me to see the world differently. So I promise today to be myself, and if you stay then awesome. I only ask that you keep the pieces of myself that I give to you safe, and I can promise to give you adventure and to not leave your life unchanged. After all, you will never meet another person quite like "myself."

   Don't worry, I haven't spent my whole life living a lie, I have just withheld a part of me from everyone. I realized the weight of this friendly advice on my drive home while I was reminiscing about my dad. He always told me my greatest quality was how deeply I felt. I was a very sensitive child, I used to drive my sister and step sister nuts with how easily I would run inside crying after they teased me. Eventually I grew up and began to understand jokes and sarcasm, and those things didn't break me any longer. Life, on the other hand, did. I had many struggles handed to me and ultimately I broke. I started to feel that I needed to hide my sensitive side from the majority of the world because the real Amber was broken. The only person I let in was my dad for I felt he was the only person who could see all of my scars and shattered pieces and still think of me as whole. After all, he was broken too. But he always told me that my heart was good and to just be myself and the people who deserved to love me would see the intrinsic beauty that comprised who I am. He was right, and so was Alex. The answer is to just be me. So I am done with all of the walls I have built up. What is the point of having them? We build up these walls to keep the broken pieces of us hidden and then cry alone at night when nobody understands us. I am done with that life! The truth is, I am really a deep person who feels so much more than you may ever understand. I cringe at the lack of empathy in the world. I hate how often people do not think of how their actions will effect the lives of others. I am done censoring how I feel.

    Lastly, I could never be broken. I have realized that broken is a word I have used to allow myself to not deal with the struggles in my life, it has been an excuse. But the truth is, every trial I have overcome has added to who I am, not broken it apart.