I Have Gone to Obtain a Great Perhaps

     A darkness too black for life to radiate, for existence to be cultivated, for happiness to thrive. A thick, black, permeating darkness. That is the seemingly permanent state of my being come 2:30 in the morning, with a midterm just 5 hours away. Being trapped in your thoughts is such an interesting prison. It is all encompassing, with absolutely no possibility of escape. This is where I lay, trapped by the cell walls that comprise my inner consciousness. I long for release but not even I can understand the elaborate maze that is my cognizance enough to escape. The past, it haunts me as I sit in this solitary confinement. I am tortured by the "what ifs" and "shouldn't haves" as memories flash by-- moments I long to return to and change permanently.
      Would I have treated people differently? Would I have taken advantage of every phone call my father made to me in his last days? Would I have made sure my relationship with my mother was how it is now? Would I have said goodbye to Taylor or would she be sitting here right now helping me fight off this depression? Would I have moved to New York right away, or waited until now when I can use it as an escape from the hell that Sacramento has turned out to be. Would I have given that cute boy more of a chance on the bus back from Disneyland, or wait to find out he is now way out of my league? Would I have met David? Would I have loved him--how could I not? Would I have moved into two different homes where emotions over rule all logical thought?

Would I have found a way to find happiness?

      I never thought I would be capable of describing myself as broken. My whole life I have been the spunky, sweet, loving, and optimistic redhead who could not, for any reason, be brought down by the dregs of life. It seems that lately this person who I used to be has washed away in the waves of self hate and suffering and been replaced with a lonely, depressed, and broken girl. I guess one could say I have officially lost my innocence. The rose colored glasses that used to so permanently veil my vision have been stripped away and crushed under the foot of realization. It sucks. Growing up sucks. One day you wake up and realize that the world is not the place you thought it was. Not everyone is like you, some people really just don't know what empathy is...I think that is what hurts the most. I see these people blatantly disregarding the well being of others for their own selfish desires, and it has broken me.
     I have become so skilled at establishing these walls. Initially I build them up to keep others out, because vulnerability is terrifying, but then in the wee hours of sleepless nights I find that I have trapped myself behind them. When I want to escape I do not know how. I have grown to dislike who I am to the very core, not because I am a bad person, but because I simply cannot find happiness or even enthusiasm for existing. When my dad left this earth he broke off a piece of my heart and took it with him. I knew this would be the case for I loved him so fully. Little did I know it would be the part that allows me to feel strong, motivated, encouraged, or brave. I simply do not know how to exist without his encouragement and unfailing love. I guess losing your best friend isn't supposed to be easy though. But then there are these other life moments that break of more pieces of who I am. They chip away slowly but every so painfully. These pieces are the feelings of inadequacy left behind after knowing a guy you want so badly has zero interest in you. Or when you have no friends at all because of some stupid rumors people believed. Or when choosing a different religion (or not having one at all) causes the people you loved most to leave your life. Or when you came face to face with death and weren't terrified. Even the piece that is discarded every time you feel stupid in lecture hall. Then you are left a pile of discomfort at 2:30 in the morning with all of these pieces laid out before you. The most gut wrenching feeling is seeing all of them, scattered around your prison cell of a mind, but not being able to fit them all back together to form the heart that once existed before this world shattered it. Broken.
    I want so badly to believe that this is temporary, but I have yet to find a cure. I continue to give my heart to people and allow them to break off more tiny pieces to hold onto, only to pull it out of their deep pockets when they need something or my friendship is convenient. I think that is why I have become so good at disappearing. I have learned that in the end everyone is going to hurt you, so you need to find a way to survive on your own. I have yet to find someone so willing to give of themselves fully, not expecting anything in return. I have grown to be a parking space for people to temporarily occupy until their lives improve and my kindness is no longer beneficial. Some may say it is selfish to vanish for periods of time, I believe it is cultivating enlightenment. Sometimes the easiest way to rid your mind of the broken pieces is to fill it with entirely new experiences to push the damaged ones out of the way. So now it begins. Here's to finding beauty and restoring a broken heart. Adventure breeds excitement and experience that I could never regret, so I have gone to obtain a great perhaps. Goodbye for now.

  

In the words of Winnie the Pooh

Dear Nathan,

                You broke my heart today, shattered it really. It took me several moments to compose myself enough to even respond to your texts. I am trying so hard to be the best big sister I can, I am trying to be strong for you, but sometimes my heart is too heavy for me to hold myself up let alone my little man. I can imagine the amount of pain you are feeling, I am feeling it too. The grief comes in waves really, and today it hit you. I am so sorry for that. I know how overwhelming the tsunami of emotions can be, and I know exactly how it feels to try and stay afloat simply because others are watching. You sent me the words, “I think we switched personalities today Sissy, I am the sad one today. I miss Dad.” My heart crumbled and fell onto my desk along with my pathetic tears.

               

               My first reaction was sadness for you. I love you more than anything on this whole planet and knowing that you are hurting tears me apart. I want to take all of it away, but I know that I never could. I see how strong you are trying to be for everyone around you, especially me. You are so incredibly mature beyond your age, and it causes me great anxiety seeing your innocence being pulled out of your grasp so unfairly. I am sorry you have had to grow up so fast. I wish more than anything that the hurts of life, love, and loss didn’t have to affect you in your adolescence. I know the hurt that comes with knowing Daddy is gone, and it just plain sucks! The only solace I can offer is in my big sister hugs, and the promises to stand next to you through everything. It will never be easy. We will always miss him, ALWAYS. I know that there are days that are better than others, and I know the days that are less than pleasant feel like you are drowning with no chance of ever reaching the surface again. It is intense. To lose someone so paramount in your life is intense. But, aren’t we lucky to have someone who meant so much to us that losing him wrecks our entire being? Aren’t we lucky that we had someone who so vastly impacted who we are as people, who showed us so much love, and who makes saying goodbye so hard? I am sorry you’re struggling with this cruel reality that has come to be life, just know that I am always here for you. I will never leave you or even downplay the feelings you are having. I love you.

               After all of those thoughts rushed through my brain, I became sad for an entirely different reason. It wasn't about missing Dad, or hurting because you are in pain. Rather, I was upset that I became "the sad one." I am sorry that I have not been the best at being happy, this is not the example you should have to look up to. I want you to know that despite the depression, the anxiety, and the hurt, I do love life. I have things that make me very happy, and sometimes I forget entirely what it feels like to be depressed. There are days where I can't get enough of the thrills of life. Granted, these days have fallen to be fewer and farther between, they still exist. Life is an adventure! It is meant to be intense. Being passionate about life comes with the ups and downs, and I wouldn't change that. EVER. I have loved. I have lost. I have cried many tears. I have laughed many laughs. I have had my heart shattered, and I have shattered others. I have achieved many things, and fallen short. I have known what it feels like to feel life, I mean really feel it. What fun would this adventure be if we didn't dive into it 100%? With a complete submersion in the adventure of life comes an array of feelings and emotions, and I gladly accept them. I am truly sorry that you have had to see, and wipe away, the tears that have fallen from my eyes. I am sorry that you have had to hear the rumors spread about me, and the pain you must feel living all of the sadness you have had the last couple months over again. Just know, that I do find happiness in life. I would never leave you or this world. Promise me that you will never forget that life is invigorating! It can be oh so exhausting, but the joy is worth every tired moment. I love your silly ginger head <3

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

     Today Jeff Gordon won at the Brickyard 400, setting a record for 5 Brickyard 400 wins! Do you pick 'em, or do you pick 'em? I watched it while eating a steak and thinking of you. Missing you really. It was quite funny, Kasey Kahne (my favorite driver) held the lead for 70 laps and Gordon (your favorite driver) had what seemed to be only one shot to pass him, and he did! I know if you were here watching it with me we would have been screaming for our drivers, pushing each other over while laughing, betting on which one of ours would win, and then you would have gloated for the rest of the day about how awesome Jeff is. Goodness, I miss you. Not a day goes by that something doesn't remind me of you and I am caught in a haze of reminiscing. I find that I lost my artistic outlets when I lost you... I no longer want to dance or sing. I can't even look at the violin you bought me without hearing your encouragement about it's beauty, and missing you because you truly were the best audience to play for. My mind's eye won't give me images to paint, and I can't write worth anything anymore. I am sure that in time I will find the inspiration to pick those things up again.

     The numbness is gone though, Daddy. I am not sure how I feel about this though. Sometimes the numbness was nice because my heart didn't hurt so bad. But now I feel...I feel everything. I missed the ability to be alive really. It has been a few long months of complete complacency with life, and it is nice to have the emotions back. As much as the times of sorrow cripple me, the times of joy are pure ecstasy. It is nice to somewhat be back to my usual beauty-seeking self. I know you wouldn't have enjoyed to see the pit of depression I became, but I know you would have understood. How could I not struggle with depression loosing someone as impacting and close to me as you. Thank you for teaching me to love life and everyone in it. I truly want to strive to obtain your love for others. I just have some childish hope that you are looking down at me, and smiling.

     Saturday I went wake boarding, and I was actually good at it! I see why you loved it so much when you were healthy! I wish you could have been sitting there in the boat watching me glide over the wake, facing one of my fears. I was so scared to do it, but I thought if my Daddy could love it so can I. I did it for you really. I also rode a jet-ski! I kept thinking of the stories you used to tell me about your jet-skies, especially the one where you dropped Baby Amber off of it on accident.... Point for Daddy. Maybe that is where I got my fear of water. Who knows. Grandma really misses you too, Dad. Her heart hurts a lot, and I really want to help but I don't know how. I don't think you know exactly how much you meant to everyone left here on Earth. Grandma really devoted her life to caring for you, and I don't think I could ever thank her enough. I am sure you feel the same way though. 

     I keep having these panic attacks over forgetting parts of you. It makes no sense really, but I will try to think of your face and not be able to come up with a picture of you in my head. Or, I will try to remember something you said to me and not be able to hear your voice. It is terrifying to me because I never want to forget you. Eventually I have memories that bring me images and sounds and I remember, but for those brief moments my heart stops and I am mortified. I got a promotion at work, Dad. I know if there was a way for me to call you and tell you you would say exactly this: "Baby! I am so proud of you! You work so hard! Can you take a day off though so we can go to Six Flags? I like Roller Coasters." I know you are proud of me. I do work really hard. But God, what I would give to hear you say it one more time. I know, that is a little vain, but you understand I am sure. I wonder if you miss people too when you're in heaven? Does it hurt you not to be able to talk to me too? Do you miss our midnight phone calls as much as I do? Sometimes the gap that is left in my heart seems to take over my whole existence. Some days are better than others, but lately they've been pretty rough. I think reality has set in that I won't ever get to hear you say I love you, or that you are proud of me, or even blame the airplanes for your flatulence. I miss you. I always will.

Now, go race your Nascars in Heaven and kick some butt!

Hugs, squeezers, kisses.

Bucketlist

     I have been thinking about life lately, and the uncertainty of it all. It seems that in an instant anyone can get cancer, or get in a car accident, or just die. I keep asking myself if my time were to soon come to an end if I would be satisfied with the adventure I created for myself, and the answer is no. I feel like I have not lived my life to the fullest! So starting today I am going to actively pursue completing my busketlist, and if something happens and I die in the midst of this process...well at least I tried! So here it is:

1. Skydive over Lake Tahoe

2. Climb the face of Half Dome

3. Swim under a waterfall

4. See brightly colored fish up close

5. Fall in love

6. Change someone's life for the better

7. Apologize to the people I hurt

8. Get my B.S

9. Have a job I love

10. Send a care package to a dear friend

11. Help fight sex trafficking in Poland

12. Go back to Mexico

13. Find something to love in every person I meet

14. Hot air balloon ride over Napa

15. Climb up the cliff I found at Bodega Head (Done)

16. Go to Ireland

17. Make tiramisu

18. Learn to talk to people

19. Make new friends

20. Dress up as Mario and Peach and go go-kart Racing....don't judge me

21. Finish Daddy's Lego Star Wars collection

22. Get married and have a ridiculously pinterestified wedding

23. Have a baby boy and give him my daddy's name

24. Teach Hannah how to read music

25. Write my life story...even if only for my eyes to read

26. Read the Bible cover to cover

27. Play my violin with Corrine

28. Be a positive and friendly person to everyone I meet

29. Paint an elephant picture

30. Ride an elephant

31. Fill a sketch book

32. Write letters with Joan (the boy David and I sponsor from Nicaragua)

33. Learn to meditate

34. Treat illnesses in Africa

35. Ride in a plane while David is flying

36. Paint the picture my dad always wanted me to paint him

37. Sing in front of people (Done)

38. Put my pointe shoes back on

39. keep my splits

40. Buy a house

41. Have a garden

42. Own a horse

43. Run a half marathon

44. Go wake boarding (Done)

45. Give my dream key away to someone who needs it or I feel could use it (Done)

46. Help the homeless

47. Sing worship music with prisoners

48. Write a letter to the boy who saved my life

49. Give my brother an example to follow

50. Love everyone a little more than they love me

51. Get a tattoo (Done)
52.See the Northern Lights

53. Leave this earth with a legacy...even if that means just one life that I touched permanently

On a completely unrelated note...

Oh, I can't talk to you the way I've wanted to
I've been tellin' lies but I'll tell you the truth

Darling, I'm tired and I should be leaving, leaving.





Blind to the Beauty of Friends

Solitude. A word with so much inner meaning, so much connotation of both neutral and negative regards. A word that depending on where you are fixed in your life’s journey, or how you are currently viewing your circumstances, can hold many different faces. In solitude you can find peace. In solitude you can find growth. In solitude you can find independence and strength. In solitude you can find great depression. In solitude you can lose hope. In solitude you can lose yourself. Solitude, a noun, meaning a state or situation of being alone; in a lonely or uninhabited place. The definition itself even sounds somber. For how can one be entirely isolated and not feel empty? How can one be completely solitary and not encompass seclusion? How can one be vastly unaccompanied and not harbor reclusiveness? Being alone also has many facets, for one can be physically unattended but feel the love and care of others even without tangible correspondence. They are alone but not lonely. One can be in a room surrounded by many faces while still feeling entirely destitute and withdrawn. They are lonesome but not alone. One can even have people, close people, telling them they are loved and cared for and still feel companionless. They are blind.

I am blind.

For I walk through this world with eyes closed to the beauty around me. The beauty in friendships, the beauty in love, the beauty in empathetic people. As my heart has built up walls protecting itself, it has also closed off my eyes from seeing this world, and the people in it, the way I should. I have become blind and hardened. I have become selfish; Rejecting the open hands and offers for solace in my own pride and fear. I have let the tear-filled past shape my lonely present, in turn tarnishing my ever changing future. I have molded the perimeter set around my being with such pessimism and distaste for sympathetic interactions that I am unable to differentiate between those who actually love and those who despitefully use, leaving me to do the one thing I do best –run away. I have picked up this one and only self-defense mechanism and it is escape; harmful to those who care and beneficial to those who don’t. I am so afraid of being vulnerable and simply just existing that I disappear before anyone can see me in that place. Even the ones who want to know me fully and desire to understand and nurture my vulnerability. 

The truth is everyone has people who care about them. The people who know exactly who you are, and what makes you a psychotic human being. The people who see all of your flaws and know exactly how poorly human nature has tainted your existence, but love you anyway. The people who despite all of your short comings lay by your side all night long just to ensure your sorrows don’t swallow up your existence. The people who wipe your tears on your front lawn while you wail about how unfair death is to the people left behind. The people who draw sparkler shapes in memory of your dad all over your court. The people who sternly tell you that life goes on and to buck up, providing you with a harsh reminder that they love you because you desperately needed it. The people who bring you taco bell and ice cream at midnight because your depression has caused you to not eat. The people who text you daily to make sure you remember to smile. The long lost friend who resurfaces in your life, providing you with hour long phone calls about what has happened since we were 14. The ones who foster the positivity to make work go by so much faster. The ones who tell jokes to build up office morale. The roommates that watch chick flicks with you, willingly revoking all of their manliness just because you want to see them. The people who sit by your side and hold your hand through every hospital trip and doctor’s appointment. The people who take you to the most beautiful spot on the beach because you need to remember beauty even for a moment. The people who remind you that you are beautiful, and constantly compliment the way you smell and your pretty hair –even if you don’t recognize it yourself. The people who give forehead kisses when they are most needed. The people who cry at the thought of losing you to giving up on this world; who care so much about you that having you not recognize their love brings them to tears –even if you have only known them for a couple months. The people who open up to you and let you have a piece of their heart and mind. The people who through all of your insanity have stood by you because they know your character and they know who you long to be. The people who know you better than you know yourself and see the worth even when you don’t. The people who even though they rarely ever pay attention to their phone spend two entire days in virtual correspondence with you to help field through your sorrows. The people who are patient with you in all of your moodiness and inability to love completely. The people who have not given up on you when it feels like the whole world is considering it.

For even in my blindness, I see.

I see your love and I am trying so diligently to recognize and reciprocate it. The truth is, every day I feel alone. I know you all are there for me but the solitude has set in. I am working so hard to get past it. Just know, that I see and am grateful for all you do for me. I am sorry for my short comings. I am sorry I run away from you. I can only promise to try better one day at a time.

It is important that we do not forget the people who are no longer standing by our sides. The ones who did give up on us. For every person enters your life with the capacity to change it. Some are meant to be there for a short time and alter it then, others are the true givers who stay for the vast journey that is your existence. I appreciate those who came and went, for I am certain that I gained something from them. The ones who showed you what it meant to take spontaneous drives at four in the morning just to think. The one who saved your life when you couldn’t hold on. The one who made you promise to never give up. The one who stayed up many nights listening to you vent about your love drama with his brother, and genuinely trying to help. The ones who helped you remember who you were when you had forgotten. The ones who tried to fight your stubbornness and make you go to the doctor. The ones who offered distraction from sadness with best friend movie dates. The ones who told you how it was with such brutal honesty that your life would be altered forever. The one who broke your heart and taught you to forgive. The ones who held your hand and carried you to your bed when you couldn’t walk. The ones who made you laugh and sang to you. The ones who took you into their home and offered you refuge from the world. The one who showed you exactly how beautiful brains can be. The one with the kind eyes. 

The ones who taught you the benefit of despondency and numbness –how advantageous barriers can be.