"For in my last days I will seek beauty so elaborate that the eye cannot perceive it's exceptional quality, that only my heart may feel it's exquisite value. In my last days it is raw, unadulterated beauty that I must find."

-Amber Lynn Mann

Spot 1: The beach

As waves crash against a broken shore of jagged rocks and sandy beaches, the sound of peace rushes through the air. A sound so unfamiliar to me that I am overwhelmed with the freedom that accompanies it. With each breeze in the wind that comes over my person, all of my cares are blown away. I can feel the seemingly permanent frustration with life wash away as the tide rolls back, taking a piece of my heart with it each time, a heart devoted to remembering and honoring my father. As the water moves towards me so do the memories of him, and as it rolls away so does my emptiness. I have been drowning in mourning, and it took this beach to save me. Welcome back Amber.

 

"How can I be alive when no part of my soul is living?"

 

I wrote these words in a blog post that published on June 30th, 2014. Caught in a fog of apathy I fought so hard to make sense of who I was and find a purpose for living. I  felt empty, lost, incomplete, and entirely despondent. The ironic thing is looking back I did not know emptiness then, I did not know what it meant to feel incomplete. Little did I know, the fog wouldn't come full force until a few days later. I wrote that blog with no idea that I only had 4 more days of happiness, that I would lose my dad, my best friend, and my motivator in life. Little did I know that my father's death would cause my soul to die more so than I ever fathomed possible. Life has a way of catching us completely off guard. We worry about the future, we stress and have anxiety about such trivial things in the grand scheme. The real dilemmas in your life are going to come at eight in the morning on a Thursday and completely knock you off your feet. The moments that shake our entire being are circumstances we could never prepare for or even ever have the opportunity to worry about-- that is how surprisingly painful they are. So how can I be alive when no part of my soul is living, when a large piece of what comprises who I am awaits me in heaven? If you would have told me on June 30th that it would get worse, that my life would become even more "unlivable" I would have laughed and told you it was impossible, but alas it has happened and I am still living.

 



 

But contrary to what June 30th Amber thought, it is entirely possible to keep living even when your whole world comes crashing down. It is entirely possible to pick yourself back up from the lowest of lows and put a smile on that broken face of yours. I have found that in sitting on this beach and remembering who you are that I have spent so much time forgetting to actually remember you. You would not have wanted me to suffer a suicidal and lonely life, you would have expected me to get it together and make you proud.

 I think this journey of finding you and visiting all of the places that remind me of you will enlighten me. I hope to be provided with insights on who you would want me to be, how you would want me to continue living my life. I know you would want me to be free. Free from the chains that depression can hold you hostage with. This beautiful ocean view was spot one of many on my journey to find closure. This experience will be the hardest thing I have had to do to date, but I know I will get through it. So how am I supposed to live? Freely, entirely free. I will live from this day forward embracing every moment I am presented with and be thankful for the emotions I have. Because, even though the pain of losing you hurts more than I ever thought it would, the joys of remembering you at these spots overwhelms me. The joy and beauty of this life are worth every painful tear. Just as the tides change, people change. I am deciding to change into a lover of life, into a resilient and genuinely happy person. That is what you would have wanted. I left a little piece of you here dad, but you will always be in my heart. I'll see you at our next spot!

 

How could I resist doing a little bit of bouldering? You would have loved to see me climbing here, Dad. You would have been so proud to watch me doing what I love while letting go of the person I love most.  

Day One: The Beginning of the End

       To wish you a happy birthday seems a bit ironic when you are literally the happiest you could ever be. The funny thing about death is that it only sucks for the people left behind, once you leave this earth you are free. Maybe we don't know the freedom that it is because we are still here. The escape from pain, cruelty, sadness, longing, and no longer missing loved ones that have gone before-- that's freedom. Death is just that, escape. I try to remind myself daily that Dad is in a better place, a place where illness can't harm his beautiful brain. A place where drugs don't ruin families. A place where anger doesn't reside. A place where he can finally be happy. That does not mean that it is any easier for me, or any of us left here missing your warm hugs, sweet smile, and obsessive love for the color orange. We miss you everyday, especially on days like today. Now, I don't know what happens to your soul when you die, but I do believe it is free. Free to no longer be held captive by the passions that being in a carnal state produces, the passions that ultimately cause us pain. Free to know all and understand just how beautiful this world is. I am so sorry you had so much pain in your life and especially in your final days. I wish that I didn't have to be grateful that you are in a better place. I wish we could have made your time here on earth the best place it could possibly be, but it wasn't and now you have found your freedom. I think the intriguing thing about death is that you can live life so fully, and still find the benefits of release in its freedom. It is almost rewarding in a way-- especially if you live a full life in which you found yourself truly. I like to believe that if you live a life enlightened to the wonders of this world, and devote your time to seeking beauty in the things around you and discovering your identity, the release and freedom that death brings is rewarding, leaving you endless time to just be happy and free. Nothing more, just free.

     So today I wish you a happy birthday with bright Orange balloons and your Tony Stewart nascar jacket, and I begin a journey-- as your ends. I have 5 days of packing and goodbyes, and then my adventure begins. I am simply keeping a promise I made to you long ago, and in doing so I am going to find myself-- so completely that I can lose myself. I go to seek beauty and to be adventurous, to find what I love and to be enlightened, so I too can be free.

 

  I'll be seeing you, Dad. 

Hugs, Squeezers, Kisses.

Spot 2: The Grand Canyon

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would witness a site so beautiful that it literally left me speechless. But there I stood, on the edge of the Grand Canyon unable to formulate words, incapable of breathing. My dad always valued the beauty in this Earth and took the time to appreciate it. He would have melted at this remarkable beauty. 

This is the necklace my dad gave me a week before he passed away. I left it at Navajo Point along with a piece of my heart. A piece of my dad will forever be captured at this beautiful place.

The Earth and the sky hold so much beauty, it is impossible not to be mesmerized here.

I have no words to adequately capture the beauty that this place holds. It is truly nothing that pictures can even grasp the magnitude of. Nor can I find the words to write my feelings about this experience. This place will forever hold a piece of you, Dad. I simply cannot describe the glorious formations that have formed due to erosion. 

Hugs Squeezers Kisses Dad. 

See you soon.

I Have Gone to Obtain a Great Perhaps

     A darkness too black for life to radiate, for existence to be cultivated, for happiness to thrive. A thick, black, permeating darkness. That is the seemingly permanent state of my being come 2:30 in the morning, with a midterm just 5 hours away. Being trapped in your thoughts is such an interesting prison. It is all encompassing, with absolutely no possibility of escape. This is where I lay, trapped by the cell walls that comprise my inner consciousness. I long for release but not even I can understand the elaborate maze that is my cognizance enough to escape. The past, it haunts me as I sit in this solitary confinement. I am tortured by the "what ifs" and "shouldn't haves" as memories flash by-- moments I long to return to and change permanently.
      Would I have treated people differently? Would I have taken advantage of every phone call my father made to me in his last days? Would I have made sure my relationship with my mother was how it is now? Would I have said goodbye to Taylor or would she be sitting here right now helping me fight off this depression? Would I have moved to New York right away, or waited until now when I can use it as an escape from the hell that Sacramento has turned out to be. Would I have given that cute boy more of a chance on the bus back from Disneyland, or wait to find out he is now way out of my league? Would I have met David? Would I have loved him--how could I not? Would I have moved into two different homes where emotions over rule all logical thought?

Would I have found a way to find happiness?

      I never thought I would be capable of describing myself as broken. My whole life I have been the spunky, sweet, loving, and optimistic redhead who could not, for any reason, be brought down by the dregs of life. It seems that lately this person who I used to be has washed away in the waves of self hate and suffering and been replaced with a lonely, depressed, and broken girl. I guess one could say I have officially lost my innocence. The rose colored glasses that used to so permanently veil my vision have been stripped away and crushed under the foot of realization. It sucks. Growing up sucks. One day you wake up and realize that the world is not the place you thought it was. Not everyone is like you, some people really just don't know what empathy is...I think that is what hurts the most. I see these people blatantly disregarding the well being of others for their own selfish desires, and it has broken me.
     I have become so skilled at establishing these walls. Initially I build them up to keep others out, because vulnerability is terrifying, but then in the wee hours of sleepless nights I find that I have trapped myself behind them. When I want to escape I do not know how. I have grown to dislike who I am to the very core, not because I am a bad person, but because I simply cannot find happiness or even enthusiasm for existing. When my dad left this earth he broke off a piece of my heart and took it with him. I knew this would be the case for I loved him so fully. Little did I know it would be the part that allows me to feel strong, motivated, encouraged, or brave. I simply do not know how to exist without his encouragement and unfailing love. I guess losing your best friend isn't supposed to be easy though. But then there are these other life moments that break of more pieces of who I am. They chip away slowly but every so painfully. These pieces are the feelings of inadequacy left behind after knowing a guy you want so badly has zero interest in you. Or when you have no friends at all because of some stupid rumors people believed. Or when choosing a different religion (or not having one at all) causes the people you loved most to leave your life. Or when you came face to face with death and weren't terrified. Even the piece that is discarded every time you feel stupid in lecture hall. Then you are left a pile of discomfort at 2:30 in the morning with all of these pieces laid out before you. The most gut wrenching feeling is seeing all of them, scattered around your prison cell of a mind, but not being able to fit them all back together to form the heart that once existed before this world shattered it. Broken.
    I want so badly to believe that this is temporary, but I have yet to find a cure. I continue to give my heart to people and allow them to break off more tiny pieces to hold onto, only to pull it out of their deep pockets when they need something or my friendship is convenient. I think that is why I have become so good at disappearing. I have learned that in the end everyone is going to hurt you, so you need to find a way to survive on your own. I have yet to find someone so willing to give of themselves fully, not expecting anything in return. I have grown to be a parking space for people to temporarily occupy until their lives improve and my kindness is no longer beneficial. Some may say it is selfish to vanish for periods of time, I believe it is cultivating enlightenment. Sometimes the easiest way to rid your mind of the broken pieces is to fill it with entirely new experiences to push the damaged ones out of the way. So now it begins. Here's to finding beauty and restoring a broken heart. Adventure breeds excitement and experience that I could never regret, so I have gone to obtain a great perhaps. Goodbye for now.

  

In the words of Winnie the Pooh

Dear Nathan,

                You broke my heart today, shattered it really. It took me several moments to compose myself enough to even respond to your texts. I am trying so hard to be the best big sister I can, I am trying to be strong for you, but sometimes my heart is too heavy for me to hold myself up let alone my little man. I can imagine the amount of pain you are feeling, I am feeling it too. The grief comes in waves really, and today it hit you. I am so sorry for that. I know how overwhelming the tsunami of emotions can be, and I know exactly how it feels to try and stay afloat simply because others are watching. You sent me the words, “I think we switched personalities today Sissy, I am the sad one today. I miss Dad.” My heart crumbled and fell onto my desk along with my pathetic tears.

               

               My first reaction was sadness for you. I love you more than anything on this whole planet and knowing that you are hurting tears me apart. I want to take all of it away, but I know that I never could. I see how strong you are trying to be for everyone around you, especially me. You are so incredibly mature beyond your age, and it causes me great anxiety seeing your innocence being pulled out of your grasp so unfairly. I am sorry you have had to grow up so fast. I wish more than anything that the hurts of life, love, and loss didn’t have to affect you in your adolescence. I know the hurt that comes with knowing Daddy is gone, and it just plain sucks! The only solace I can offer is in my big sister hugs, and the promises to stand next to you through everything. It will never be easy. We will always miss him, ALWAYS. I know that there are days that are better than others, and I know the days that are less than pleasant feel like you are drowning with no chance of ever reaching the surface again. It is intense. To lose someone so paramount in your life is intense. But, aren’t we lucky to have someone who meant so much to us that losing him wrecks our entire being? Aren’t we lucky that we had someone who so vastly impacted who we are as people, who showed us so much love, and who makes saying goodbye so hard? I am sorry you’re struggling with this cruel reality that has come to be life, just know that I am always here for you. I will never leave you or even downplay the feelings you are having. I love you.

               After all of those thoughts rushed through my brain, I became sad for an entirely different reason. It wasn't about missing Dad, or hurting because you are in pain. Rather, I was upset that I became "the sad one." I am sorry that I have not been the best at being happy, this is not the example you should have to look up to. I want you to know that despite the depression, the anxiety, and the hurt, I do love life. I have things that make me very happy, and sometimes I forget entirely what it feels like to be depressed. There are days where I can't get enough of the thrills of life. Granted, these days have fallen to be fewer and farther between, they still exist. Life is an adventure! It is meant to be intense. Being passionate about life comes with the ups and downs, and I wouldn't change that. EVER. I have loved. I have lost. I have cried many tears. I have laughed many laughs. I have had my heart shattered, and I have shattered others. I have achieved many things, and fallen short. I have known what it feels like to feel life, I mean really feel it. What fun would this adventure be if we didn't dive into it 100%? With a complete submersion in the adventure of life comes an array of feelings and emotions, and I gladly accept them. I am truly sorry that you have had to see, and wipe away, the tears that have fallen from my eyes. I am sorry that you have had to hear the rumors spread about me, and the pain you must feel living all of the sadness you have had the last couple months over again. Just know, that I do find happiness in life. I would never leave you or this world. Promise me that you will never forget that life is invigorating! It can be oh so exhausting, but the joy is worth every tired moment. I love your silly ginger head <3

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

     Today Jeff Gordon won at the Brickyard 400, setting a record for 5 Brickyard 400 wins! Do you pick 'em, or do you pick 'em? I watched it while eating a steak and thinking of you. Missing you really. It was quite funny, Kasey Kahne (my favorite driver) held the lead for 70 laps and Gordon (your favorite driver) had what seemed to be only one shot to pass him, and he did! I know if you were here watching it with me we would have been screaming for our drivers, pushing each other over while laughing, betting on which one of ours would win, and then you would have gloated for the rest of the day about how awesome Jeff is. Goodness, I miss you. Not a day goes by that something doesn't remind me of you and I am caught in a haze of reminiscing. I find that I lost my artistic outlets when I lost you... I no longer want to dance or sing. I can't even look at the violin you bought me without hearing your encouragement about it's beauty, and missing you because you truly were the best audience to play for. My mind's eye won't give me images to paint, and I can't write worth anything anymore. I am sure that in time I will find the inspiration to pick those things up again.

     The numbness is gone though, Daddy. I am not sure how I feel about this though. Sometimes the numbness was nice because my heart didn't hurt so bad. But now I feel...I feel everything. I missed the ability to be alive really. It has been a few long months of complete complacency with life, and it is nice to have the emotions back. As much as the times of sorrow cripple me, the times of joy are pure ecstasy. It is nice to somewhat be back to my usual beauty-seeking self. I know you wouldn't have enjoyed to see the pit of depression I became, but I know you would have understood. How could I not struggle with depression loosing someone as impacting and close to me as you. Thank you for teaching me to love life and everyone in it. I truly want to strive to obtain your love for others. I just have some childish hope that you are looking down at me, and smiling.

     Saturday I went wake boarding, and I was actually good at it! I see why you loved it so much when you were healthy! I wish you could have been sitting there in the boat watching me glide over the wake, facing one of my fears. I was so scared to do it, but I thought if my Daddy could love it so can I. I did it for you really. I also rode a jet-ski! I kept thinking of the stories you used to tell me about your jet-skies, especially the one where you dropped Baby Amber off of it on accident.... Point for Daddy. Maybe that is where I got my fear of water. Who knows. Grandma really misses you too, Dad. Her heart hurts a lot, and I really want to help but I don't know how. I don't think you know exactly how much you meant to everyone left here on Earth. Grandma really devoted her life to caring for you, and I don't think I could ever thank her enough. I am sure you feel the same way though. 

     I keep having these panic attacks over forgetting parts of you. It makes no sense really, but I will try to think of your face and not be able to come up with a picture of you in my head. Or, I will try to remember something you said to me and not be able to hear your voice. It is terrifying to me because I never want to forget you. Eventually I have memories that bring me images and sounds and I remember, but for those brief moments my heart stops and I am mortified. I got a promotion at work, Dad. I know if there was a way for me to call you and tell you you would say exactly this: "Baby! I am so proud of you! You work so hard! Can you take a day off though so we can go to Six Flags? I like Roller Coasters." I know you are proud of me. I do work really hard. But God, what I would give to hear you say it one more time. I know, that is a little vain, but you understand I am sure. I wonder if you miss people too when you're in heaven? Does it hurt you not to be able to talk to me too? Do you miss our midnight phone calls as much as I do? Sometimes the gap that is left in my heart seems to take over my whole existence. Some days are better than others, but lately they've been pretty rough. I think reality has set in that I won't ever get to hear you say I love you, or that you are proud of me, or even blame the airplanes for your flatulence. I miss you. I always will.

Now, go race your Nascars in Heaven and kick some butt!

Hugs, squeezers, kisses.