Another Night, Another Dream Wasted on You

Another day finds me with an absence of words. I long to gather my thoughts. I long to tell you what my mind ponders and describe the details of my heart. Until then, Mayday Parade....

If I Wasn't Me.

     For the first time in my life I am struggling with writer's block. My emotions are in such a place where my brain and my heart cannot cooperate. Simply put, even I cannot understand my thoughts enough to express them through writing. This has been a strange dilemma for me to face, my whole life I have kept journals and found so much ease in collecting my thoughts through writing. I am not very good at communicating face to face what my heart really feels, I find so much comfort in the shelter of my computer screen. Somehow, hidden behind my keyboard I feel much less vulnerable. Regardless, I have so many things that I need to just let out. So today I have embarked on a mission to just write, this may be the worst entry I have ever written due to the incoherent nature of my mind currently, but I just need to let it flow and hope that I emerge from this block a reformed version of myself.
 
     I have been struggling with the idea of identity. Mainly with the idea of myself having an identity. I am caught in this existential crisis, not knowing if I act the way I do because that is who I really am or who I want others to see me as. I do not feel as if the persona I allow people to see is fake, merely just a censored version of the reality that is my inner consciousness. I am beginning to realize, however, that in order to be the most whole human I can, I need to bring my inner self in line with who I portray myself as. This thought terrifies me, not because I feel who I am internally is bad, frankly it is because who I am is deep and I worry it is too deep for others to want to hold onto. I find that I allow myself this hard exterior and pretend that I am strong and resilient, when really I am more sensitive than I have ever let anyone else see. I feel everything so fully, and I have spent the last few years pushing that part of me aside. In doing this, I get really hurt because other people do not know how sensitive I really am or how adversely I am effected by their actions. The truth is, I over think every word spoken to me, I over analyze why I was not good enough, I beat myself up over lost opportunities, and I constantly wonder if things would be different if I wasn't me. But I do not let others see this, so they have no way of knowing that I am torn, instead I just quietly break down over my piano. I have wanted to be a warrior, to not show weakness, even when I am crumbling. Partly in fear of others reactions, because I have this profound insecurity accompanied by a fear that maybe the real me couldn't be loved. Partly because I want others to feel like they can come to me and have a friend to stand strong for them when they feel their life is being uprooted.

And partly because sometimes pretending to not feel is simply easier.

     I have this really great friend who has always been able to see the hurt in my heart no matter how many times I lie to him and tell him I am okay. He has spent many nights begging me to just be honest with him instead of locking myself in my room to vent through my keyboard. I have always heard the things he told me and advice he gave, but I don't think I have really ever listened. We were talking last week about where I am at in life and I opened up to him about how lonely I have been feeling. He ripped open my entire universe with the advice he gave me. I have spent years thinking that no one understood my brain, and here I sat in a chair in his living room while he seemed to understand me better than I did. He told me that I need to just be myself. Now I know what you are thinking, we have all heard this advice from many different sources growing up. Our parents told us to be ourselves to make friends at school. Big sisters told us to just be ourselves on our first dates. Grandparents told us to just be ourselves at our first job interviews. It is a prevailing comment in our culture, yet I don't think I have ever embraced it. mainly out of fear that myself isn't good enough. I always wonder what the world would be like if I wasn't me, instead what if I was confident, gorgeous, charismatic, funny, and not so emotional. I have concluded that that thought is stupid! I am made this way for a reason and a purpose. even my flaws have value and to be emotional is not a flaw but a gift allowing me to see the world differently. So I promise today to be myself, and if you stay then awesome. I only ask that you keep the pieces of myself that I give to you safe, and I can promise to give you adventure and to not leave your life unchanged. After all, you will never meet another person quite like "myself."

   Don't worry, I haven't spent my whole life living a lie, I have just withheld a part of me from everyone. I realized the weight of this friendly advice on my drive home while I was reminiscing about my dad. He always told me my greatest quality was how deeply I felt. I was a very sensitive child, I used to drive my sister and step sister nuts with how easily I would run inside crying after they teased me. Eventually I grew up and began to understand jokes and sarcasm, and those things didn't break me any longer. Life, on the other hand, did. I had many struggles handed to me and ultimately I broke. I started to feel that I needed to hide my sensitive side from the majority of the world because the real Amber was broken. The only person I let in was my dad for I felt he was the only person who could see all of my scars and shattered pieces and still think of me as whole. After all, he was broken too. But he always told me that my heart was good and to just be myself and the people who deserved to love me would see the intrinsic beauty that comprised who I am. He was right, and so was Alex. The answer is to just be me. So I am done with all of the walls I have built up. What is the point of having them? We build up these walls to keep the broken pieces of us hidden and then cry alone at night when nobody understands us. I am done with that life! The truth is, I am really a deep person who feels so much more than you may ever understand. I cringe at the lack of empathy in the world. I hate how often people do not think of how their actions will effect the lives of others. I am done censoring how I feel.

    Lastly, I could never be broken. I have realized that broken is a word I have used to allow myself to not deal with the struggles in my life, it has been an excuse. But the truth is, every trial I have overcome has added to who I am, not broken it apart.

  

"For in my last days I will seek beauty so elaborate that the eye cannot perceive it's exceptional quality, that only my heart may feel it's exquisite value. In my last days it is raw, unadulterated beauty that I must find."

-Amber Lynn Mann

Spot 1: The beach

As waves crash against a broken shore of jagged rocks and sandy beaches, the sound of peace rushes through the air. A sound so unfamiliar to me that I am overwhelmed with the freedom that accompanies it. With each breeze in the wind that comes over my person, all of my cares are blown away. I can feel the seemingly permanent frustration with life wash away as the tide rolls back, taking a piece of my heart with it each time, a heart devoted to remembering and honoring my father. As the water moves towards me so do the memories of him, and as it rolls away so does my emptiness. I have been drowning in mourning, and it took this beach to save me. Welcome back Amber.

 

"How can I be alive when no part of my soul is living?"

 

I wrote these words in a blog post that published on June 30th, 2014. Caught in a fog of apathy I fought so hard to make sense of who I was and find a purpose for living. I  felt empty, lost, incomplete, and entirely despondent. The ironic thing is looking back I did not know emptiness then, I did not know what it meant to feel incomplete. Little did I know, the fog wouldn't come full force until a few days later. I wrote that blog with no idea that I only had 4 more days of happiness, that I would lose my dad, my best friend, and my motivator in life. Little did I know that my father's death would cause my soul to die more so than I ever fathomed possible. Life has a way of catching us completely off guard. We worry about the future, we stress and have anxiety about such trivial things in the grand scheme. The real dilemmas in your life are going to come at eight in the morning on a Thursday and completely knock you off your feet. The moments that shake our entire being are circumstances we could never prepare for or even ever have the opportunity to worry about-- that is how surprisingly painful they are. So how can I be alive when no part of my soul is living, when a large piece of what comprises who I am awaits me in heaven? If you would have told me on June 30th that it would get worse, that my life would become even more "unlivable" I would have laughed and told you it was impossible, but alas it has happened and I am still living.

 



 

But contrary to what June 30th Amber thought, it is entirely possible to keep living even when your whole world comes crashing down. It is entirely possible to pick yourself back up from the lowest of lows and put a smile on that broken face of yours. I have found that in sitting on this beach and remembering who you are that I have spent so much time forgetting to actually remember you. You would not have wanted me to suffer a suicidal and lonely life, you would have expected me to get it together and make you proud.

 I think this journey of finding you and visiting all of the places that remind me of you will enlighten me. I hope to be provided with insights on who you would want me to be, how you would want me to continue living my life. I know you would want me to be free. Free from the chains that depression can hold you hostage with. This beautiful ocean view was spot one of many on my journey to find closure. This experience will be the hardest thing I have had to do to date, but I know I will get through it. So how am I supposed to live? Freely, entirely free. I will live from this day forward embracing every moment I am presented with and be thankful for the emotions I have. Because, even though the pain of losing you hurts more than I ever thought it would, the joys of remembering you at these spots overwhelms me. The joy and beauty of this life are worth every painful tear. Just as the tides change, people change. I am deciding to change into a lover of life, into a resilient and genuinely happy person. That is what you would have wanted. I left a little piece of you here dad, but you will always be in my heart. I'll see you at our next spot!

 

How could I resist doing a little bit of bouldering? You would have loved to see me climbing here, Dad. You would have been so proud to watch me doing what I love while letting go of the person I love most.  

Day One: The Beginning of the End

       To wish you a happy birthday seems a bit ironic when you are literally the happiest you could ever be. The funny thing about death is that it only sucks for the people left behind, once you leave this earth you are free. Maybe we don't know the freedom that it is because we are still here. The escape from pain, cruelty, sadness, longing, and no longer missing loved ones that have gone before-- that's freedom. Death is just that, escape. I try to remind myself daily that Dad is in a better place, a place where illness can't harm his beautiful brain. A place where drugs don't ruin families. A place where anger doesn't reside. A place where he can finally be happy. That does not mean that it is any easier for me, or any of us left here missing your warm hugs, sweet smile, and obsessive love for the color orange. We miss you everyday, especially on days like today. Now, I don't know what happens to your soul when you die, but I do believe it is free. Free to no longer be held captive by the passions that being in a carnal state produces, the passions that ultimately cause us pain. Free to know all and understand just how beautiful this world is. I am so sorry you had so much pain in your life and especially in your final days. I wish that I didn't have to be grateful that you are in a better place. I wish we could have made your time here on earth the best place it could possibly be, but it wasn't and now you have found your freedom. I think the intriguing thing about death is that you can live life so fully, and still find the benefits of release in its freedom. It is almost rewarding in a way-- especially if you live a full life in which you found yourself truly. I like to believe that if you live a life enlightened to the wonders of this world, and devote your time to seeking beauty in the things around you and discovering your identity, the release and freedom that death brings is rewarding, leaving you endless time to just be happy and free. Nothing more, just free.

     So today I wish you a happy birthday with bright Orange balloons and your Tony Stewart nascar jacket, and I begin a journey-- as your ends. I have 5 days of packing and goodbyes, and then my adventure begins. I am simply keeping a promise I made to you long ago, and in doing so I am going to find myself-- so completely that I can lose myself. I go to seek beauty and to be adventurous, to find what I love and to be enlightened, so I too can be free.

 

  I'll be seeing you, Dad. 

Hugs, Squeezers, Kisses.

Spot 2: The Grand Canyon

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would witness a site so beautiful that it literally left me speechless. But there I stood, on the edge of the Grand Canyon unable to formulate words, incapable of breathing. My dad always valued the beauty in this Earth and took the time to appreciate it. He would have melted at this remarkable beauty. 

This is the necklace my dad gave me a week before he passed away. I left it at Navajo Point along with a piece of my heart. A piece of my dad will forever be captured at this beautiful place.

The Earth and the sky hold so much beauty, it is impossible not to be mesmerized here.

I have no words to adequately capture the beauty that this place holds. It is truly nothing that pictures can even grasp the magnitude of. Nor can I find the words to write my feelings about this experience. This place will forever hold a piece of you, Dad. I simply cannot describe the glorious formations that have formed due to erosion. 

Hugs Squeezers Kisses Dad. 

See you soon.

I Have Gone to Obtain a Great Perhaps

     A darkness too black for life to radiate, for existence to be cultivated, for happiness to thrive. A thick, black, permeating darkness. That is the seemingly permanent state of my being come 2:30 in the morning, with a midterm just 5 hours away. Being trapped in your thoughts is such an interesting prison. It is all encompassing, with absolutely no possibility of escape. This is where I lay, trapped by the cell walls that comprise my inner consciousness. I long for release but not even I can understand the elaborate maze that is my cognizance enough to escape. The past, it haunts me as I sit in this solitary confinement. I am tortured by the "what ifs" and "shouldn't haves" as memories flash by-- moments I long to return to and change permanently.
      Would I have treated people differently? Would I have taken advantage of every phone call my father made to me in his last days? Would I have made sure my relationship with my mother was how it is now? Would I have said goodbye to Taylor or would she be sitting here right now helping me fight off this depression? Would I have moved to New York right away, or waited until now when I can use it as an escape from the hell that Sacramento has turned out to be. Would I have given that cute boy more of a chance on the bus back from Disneyland, or wait to find out he is now way out of my league? Would I have met David? Would I have loved him--how could I not? Would I have moved into two different homes where emotions over rule all logical thought?

Would I have found a way to find happiness?

      I never thought I would be capable of describing myself as broken. My whole life I have been the spunky, sweet, loving, and optimistic redhead who could not, for any reason, be brought down by the dregs of life. It seems that lately this person who I used to be has washed away in the waves of self hate and suffering and been replaced with a lonely, depressed, and broken girl. I guess one could say I have officially lost my innocence. The rose colored glasses that used to so permanently veil my vision have been stripped away and crushed under the foot of realization. It sucks. Growing up sucks. One day you wake up and realize that the world is not the place you thought it was. Not everyone is like you, some people really just don't know what empathy is...I think that is what hurts the most. I see these people blatantly disregarding the well being of others for their own selfish desires, and it has broken me.
     I have become so skilled at establishing these walls. Initially I build them up to keep others out, because vulnerability is terrifying, but then in the wee hours of sleepless nights I find that I have trapped myself behind them. When I want to escape I do not know how. I have grown to dislike who I am to the very core, not because I am a bad person, but because I simply cannot find happiness or even enthusiasm for existing. When my dad left this earth he broke off a piece of my heart and took it with him. I knew this would be the case for I loved him so fully. Little did I know it would be the part that allows me to feel strong, motivated, encouraged, or brave. I simply do not know how to exist without his encouragement and unfailing love. I guess losing your best friend isn't supposed to be easy though. But then there are these other life moments that break of more pieces of who I am. They chip away slowly but every so painfully. These pieces are the feelings of inadequacy left behind after knowing a guy you want so badly has zero interest in you. Or when you have no friends at all because of some stupid rumors people believed. Or when choosing a different religion (or not having one at all) causes the people you loved most to leave your life. Or when you came face to face with death and weren't terrified. Even the piece that is discarded every time you feel stupid in lecture hall. Then you are left a pile of discomfort at 2:30 in the morning with all of these pieces laid out before you. The most gut wrenching feeling is seeing all of them, scattered around your prison cell of a mind, but not being able to fit them all back together to form the heart that once existed before this world shattered it. Broken.
    I want so badly to believe that this is temporary, but I have yet to find a cure. I continue to give my heart to people and allow them to break off more tiny pieces to hold onto, only to pull it out of their deep pockets when they need something or my friendship is convenient. I think that is why I have become so good at disappearing. I have learned that in the end everyone is going to hurt you, so you need to find a way to survive on your own. I have yet to find someone so willing to give of themselves fully, not expecting anything in return. I have grown to be a parking space for people to temporarily occupy until their lives improve and my kindness is no longer beneficial. Some may say it is selfish to vanish for periods of time, I believe it is cultivating enlightenment. Sometimes the easiest way to rid your mind of the broken pieces is to fill it with entirely new experiences to push the damaged ones out of the way. So now it begins. Here's to finding beauty and restoring a broken heart. Adventure breeds excitement and experience that I could never regret, so I have gone to obtain a great perhaps. Goodbye for now.