If I have learned one thing in this life, it is that I don't have a soul. I am a soul, I have a body. The deep seeded emotions that seem to entirely control my existence are governed by this soul that I am so fortunate to call my own. I am growing to love who I am at the very core. I am learning to realize what my sensitivity means in way of being a friend, a lover, a contributor to society --and in all of this I am seeing just how valuable of an attribute it truly is. It has been quite the adventure discovering myself, and before I can pride myself in these accomplishments, I must pay gratitude where it is due. In this journey not only have I found myself, but I have found my soul mate.
Never did I know I'd find my soul mate in my best friend.
I am not sure if 'find' is the appropriate word in this case, for you have been there all along. I grew up with the fairytale perspective of soul mates; the one in which there is a boy for every girl and love is this epic journey of falling ever so quickly into a perfect life together. I am here to tell you that that does not always happen. Your soul mate does not have to be a boy you fall in love with at first sight and live happily ever after with. For me, it is simple, my soul mate is the person who has stood by me through everything. The one who despite all of my less than intelligent life decisions, loves me unconditionally. My backbone when I seem to have lost mine, and my other half. Thank you, Emily, for being my soul mate.
Thank you for listening to my boy drama
When I am confused, frustrated, hurt or otherwise needing you to listen about my usually dysfunctional love life, I know that you will be there. Even if its two in the morning, or you've heard the same story four hundred times. Thank you.
Thank you for being wierd
Let's be honest, I am probably one of the strangest individuals you will ever meet. It is so comforting to know that I have a best friend who not only doesn't judge me, but participates in my strange oddities along side me. Thank you for the weird voices, silly jokes, and running around like we're crazy.
Thank you for wiping my tears
Everyone that truly knows me knows how much I hate crying. You have become my outlet for all of these built up emotions to be let go. I can't express enough how thankful I am that I can be comfortable enough with you to be myself, tears and all. Thank you for not judging me when I make that stupid, ugly "I'm-crying-way-too-hard-to-control-my-face-muscles" face that I make when I cry. Thank you for letting my tears soak your t-shirts while you hug the sadness out of me. Thank you for keeping me sane.
Thank you for reminding me of my dad
Most people don't know how to deal with my mourning my father and in turn we all just avoid talking about it. Thank you for reminding me that it's okay to talk about the hard things in life. You are the first person to point something out and say something along the lines of, "Amber, your dad would have loved this."Thank you for recognizing how instrumental my father was (and still is) in my life, and not being scared to talk to me about him and the times we shared. Thank you for helping me grieve and reminding me that everything will be okay.
Thank you for telling me I'm worth something
It is no secret that I am insecure to a major fault, but thank you for reminding me that I don't have a reason to be insecure. Thank you for telling me I'm beautiful, smart, a good friend, funny, and worth everything my heart desires. Thank you for not letting me be too hard on myself. Thank you for reminding me that I am something special.
Thank you for appreciating my heart
My favorite thing about myself is my capability to love others. I am such a sensitive soul with a heart for people, and many do not understand why I am this way. Some even tell me I am too sweet, too loving, or too giving. Thank you for constantly reminding me that this is my greatest quality, that there is no such thing as too much love, and reminding me not to settle on anyone who doesn't see and appreciate it.
Thank you for snuggling me when I am sad/lonely
When life gets you down, what's better than a cuddle fest with your best girl!?!
Basically Em, I love you to the moon and back and twice around the stars. I am so thankful that you keep me honest, true to myself, and not settling for crappy things in life. I am so thankful to be able to call you my best friend and soul mate. I truly have no clue where I'd be without you.
Everybody loses their parents, it is a very real fact of life. We come to earth, we live, we die --the legacy we leave behind lies in our children's memories and their own futures. It seems that this reality, the one in which your parent dies, should not be a difficult one to understand, for it is natural. However, no one could have prepared me for this. The ten things nobody prepared me for in losing my dad at the age of 20:
1. No one told me that I would feel so empty.
Days go by where I can feel a physical emptiness inside myself. This sadness is so much more than sadness, it is a physical manifestation of the pain and loneliness I feel. It is almost impossible to describe the void that appears almost instantaneously after a parent passes, but it is real...too real. You can be feeling totally normal one day (whatever normal is I guess) and then a memory comes to you and your stomach sinks creating a pit that cannot be filled.
2. No one told me that I would cry so much. I am not a crier. I am the kind of person who pretends I am fine one hundred percent of the time and never lets anybody see me at a weak moment. If I cry, it is when I am alone in the shower with music turned up so nobody could possibly know how distraught I am. But not now. I cry all the freaking time and it is so overwhelming. Especially for somebody who does not respond well when I see other people cry, I am almost disgusted with my sensitivity. And once it starts, I blow up and have a meltdown until my body physically cannot produce anymore tears. I have become used to wearing sunglasses in public so nobody can see my puffy eyes, and the most difficult part of it is that you DO NOT WANT TO BE THAT PERSON!!! If it was in my power I would suck it up, but I simply cannot.
3. No one told me how hurtful other people's words can be.
I have truly learned the value of being kind to others in this experience. I have heard my whole life that you should treat other people with care because you never know the battle they are facing privately. I now understand the weight of this lesson. I have had moments at the grocery store, or meeting new people, or even catching up with old friends when something will be said that rips me apart. Of course these instances are accidental, but it still hurts. I have also had things said to me with malicious intent and have learned the cruelty that can be the human race. I have had numerous people tell me I should "really get over it and stop being depressed" and I have even had people accuse me of faking my father's death for attention. Seriously, it is hard enough dealing with the loss and even harder dealing with scrutiny in it.
4. No one told me how alone I would feel.
It is very hard to be around other people when you feel that nobody understands what you are feeling. Your best friends care so much and want to help, but you have a hard time explaining to them the feelings that you are experiencing. Even in an environment where you are surrounded by people, you still feel entirely alone. Sometimes, you become a recluse because it is almost easier than faking a smile around others.
5. No one told me how hard Christmas would be. I have never had a more tear-filled Christmas for me and my whole family. It was so strange not seeing my dad's giddy expressions as he opened the traditional hot wheels, shot glasses, and nascar stuff from each of us kids. He was always so excited, even if it was just a picture or painting. He always expelled so much love towards us kids, and the absence of that this Christmas was almost unbearable.
6. No one told me that people would avoid me.
I have lost contact with many friends simply because they do not know how to handle an Amber that is struggling with severe depression. I have truly learned who will stand by my side through anything and which friends are only along for the surface level relationship. I have lost a large portion of my friends due to a lack of understanding in where I am and what I am feeling. I understand though, I would not want to be tasked with the responsibility of holding up someone who is inevitably falling closer and closer to the ground daily.
7. No one told me I would become needy. I have spent my whole life proudly being Miss Independent, I have never once needed anyone else to make me happy or even motivate me to get out of bed. But lately, I find myself requiring so much reassurance in who I am. It's like I have become unsure of my worth due to sadness. I have become so full of uncertainty in how others feel about me and it has made me almost needy. If I could change one thing on this list, this would be it. I am not used to being dependent on others for my happiness, but I promise in time I will be back to normal, stubborn, independent Amber. Until then, please just bare with me and reassure me that this isn't permanent and you love me despite my neediness.
8. No one told me I would forget. The scariest part of losing a parent is in forgetting parts of them. I have had numerous full fledged anxiety attacks over simply being unable to recall what my dad looks like, or smells like, or worst of all sounds like. You go your whole life seeing somebody, and hearing their voice in your nightly phone calls and then they are gone. They vanish. And no matter how much you wish you could change it, no matter how hard you cry on the floor of your bedroom, you are unable to bring them back. They are gone. Obviously, I can just look at a picture and see him and remember, but nothing hurts more than not being able to hear in my mind's voice exactly how he said I love you. I will never hear those words again from him so all I have are those memories, and when they fade, even if just for a few moments, it is searing, unendurable pain.
9. No one told me that I would cry anytime someone mentioned weddings. Every little girl imagines and creates their perfect wedding as they grow up, complete with a beautiful dress, a handsome groom, flowers, and Daddy walking you down the aisle. My heart collapses at the thought of this never becoming a reality for me. When my dad first got sick years ago, he promised me to fight as hard as he could so he could be there on my wedding day and now I am left to one day experience that day in his absence. When I lived with my dad in middle school we decided that we would dance to "You'll be in my Heart" from Tarzan at my wedding, and now I can't even listen to that song without tearing up. It is so devastating to me that something as joyous as a wedding can be tainted by the loss of my best friend. Don't even get me started on the idea of having children...
10. No one ever told me how confusing it would be. Confusing. That is the best word I can use to describe it. No matter how prepared you are, you will never be ready and you are left confused in their absence. You almost feel stupid, because everyone's parents die at some point, but that doesn't change how devastated you are. In your 20's you are officially growing up, there are so many questions left unanswered --indefinitely. No one told me about the internal battle I would face about how I feel. I want to be okay, but I simply cannot and that is confusing. No one told me that my sadness would come and go. That I would have days where I am completely okay and almost forget that he is gone, and then the next day remember and almost feel guilty for functioning normally the day before. No one told me how much I would be in battle with my own emotions. No one told me how much I would miss him. Although, I don't think you can ever adequately capture in words just how deep and intense the longing for their presence can be and how completely numbing missing them is.
But now, I am telling you that you will be okay! I promise you, if I can do it you can too. Chin up. I have learned one thing in this trial:
You can love somebody so much in this life, but you will never love somebody as much as you will miss them. The important thing is to keep going and give them a legacy they would be proud of.
Another day finds me with an absence of words. I long to gather my thoughts. I long to tell you what my mind ponders and describe the details of my heart. Until then, Mayday Parade....
For the first time in my life I am struggling with writer's block. My emotions are in such a place where my brain and my heart cannot cooperate. Simply put, even I cannot understand my thoughts enough to express them through writing. This has been a strange dilemma for me to face, my whole life I have kept journals and found so much ease in collecting my thoughts through writing. I am not very good at communicating face to face what my heart really feels, I find so much comfort in the shelter of my computer screen. Somehow, hidden behind my keyboard I feel much less vulnerable. Regardless, I have so many things that I need to just let out. So today I have embarked on a mission to just write, this may be the worst entry I have ever written due to the incoherent nature of my mind currently, but I just need to let it flow and hope that I emerge from this block a reformed version of myself.
I have been struggling with the idea of identity. Mainly with the idea of myself having an identity. I am caught in this existential crisis, not knowing if I act the way I do because that is who I really am or who I want others to see me as. I do not feel as if the persona I allow people to see is fake, merely just a censored version of the reality that is my inner consciousness. I am beginning to realize, however, that in order to be the most whole human I can, I need to bring my inner self in line with who I portray myself as. This thought terrifies me, not because I feel who I am internally is bad, frankly it is because who I am is deep and I worry it is too deep for others to want to hold onto. I find that I allow myself this hard exterior and pretend that I am strong and resilient, when really I am more sensitive than I have ever let anyone else see. I feel everything so fully, and I have spent the last few years pushing that part of me aside. In doing this, I get really hurt because other people do not know how sensitive I really am or how adversely I am effected by their actions. The truth is, I over think every word spoken to me, I over analyze why I was not good enough, I beat myself up over lost opportunities, and I constantly wonder if things would be different if I wasn't me. But I do not let others see this, so they have no way of knowing that I am torn, instead I just quietly break down over my piano. I have wanted to be a warrior, to not show weakness, even when I am crumbling. Partly in fear of others reactions, because I have this profound insecurity accompanied by a fear that maybe the real me couldn't be loved. Partly because I want others to feel like they can come to me and have a friend to stand strong for them when they feel their life is being uprooted.
And partly because sometimes pretending to not feel is simply easier.
I have this really great friend who has always been able to see the hurt in my heart no matter how many times I lie to him and tell him I am okay. He has spent many nights begging me to just be honest with him instead of locking myself in my room to vent through my keyboard. I have always heard the things he told me and advice he gave, but I don't think I have really ever listened. We were talking last week about where I am at in life and I opened up to him about how lonely I have been feeling. He ripped open my entire universe with the advice he gave me. I have spent years thinking that no one understood my brain, and here I sat in a chair in his living room while he seemed to understand me better than I did. He told me that I need to just be myself. Now I know what you are thinking, we have all heard this advice from many different sources growing up. Our parents told us to be ourselves to make friends at school. Big sisters told us to just be ourselves on our first dates. Grandparents told us to just be ourselves at our first job interviews. It is a prevailing comment in our culture, yet I don't think I have ever embraced it. mainly out of fear that myself isn't good enough. I always wonder what the world would be like if I wasn't me, instead what if I was confident, gorgeous, charismatic, funny, and not so emotional. I have concluded that that thought is stupid! I am made this way for a reason and a purpose. even my flaws have value and to be emotional is not a flaw but a gift allowing me to see the world differently. So I promise today to be myself, and if you stay then awesome. I only ask that you keep the pieces of myself that I give to you safe, and I can promise to give you adventure and to not leave your life unchanged. After all, you will never meet another person quite like "myself."
Don't worry, I haven't spent my whole life living a lie, I have just withheld a part of me from everyone. I realized the weight of this friendly advice on my drive home while I was reminiscing about my dad. He always told me my greatest quality was how deeply I felt. I was a very sensitive child, I used to drive my sister and step sister nuts with how easily I would run inside crying after they teased me. Eventually I grew up and began to understand jokes and sarcasm, and those things didn't break me any longer. Life, on the other hand, did. I had many struggles handed to me and ultimately I broke. I started to feel that I needed to hide my sensitive side from the majority of the world because the real Amber was broken. The only person I let in was my dad for I felt he was the only person who could see all of my scars and shattered pieces and still think of me as whole. After all, he was broken too. But he always told me that my heart was good and to just be myself and the people who deserved to love me would see the intrinsic beauty that comprised who I am. He was right, and so was Alex. The answer is to just be me. So I am done with all of the walls I have built up. What is the point of having them? We build up these walls to keep the broken pieces of us hidden and then cry alone at night when nobody understands us. I am done with that life! The truth is, I am really a deep person who feels so much more than you may ever understand. I cringe at the lack of empathy in the world. I hate how often people do not think of how their actions will effect the lives of others. I am done censoring how I feel.
Lastly, I could never be broken. I have realized that broken is a word I have used to allow myself to not deal with the struggles in my life, it has been an excuse. But the truth is, every trial I have overcome has added to who I am, not broken it apart.
Monday, November 24, 2014
"For in my last days I will seek beauty so elaborate that the eye cannot perceive it's exceptional quality, that only my heart may feel it's exquisite value. In my last days it is raw, unadulterated beauty that I must find."
As waves crash against a broken shore of jagged rocks and sandy beaches, the sound of peace rushes through the air. A sound so unfamiliar to me that I am overwhelmed with the freedom that accompanies it. With each breeze in the wind that comes over my person, all of my cares are blown away. I can feel the seemingly permanent frustration with life wash away as the tide rolls back, taking a piece of my heart with it each time, a heart devoted to remembering and honoring my father. As the water moves towards me so do the memories of him, and as it rolls away so does my emptiness. I have been drowning in mourning, and it took this beach to save me. Welcome back Amber.
"How can I be alive when no part of my soul is living?"
I wrote these words in a blog post that published on June 30th, 2014. Caught in a fog of apathy I fought so hard to make sense of who I was and find a purpose for living. I felt empty, lost, incomplete, and entirely despondent. The ironic thing is looking back I did not know emptiness then, I did not know what it meant to feel incomplete. Little did I know, the fog wouldn't come full force until a few days later. I wrote that blog with no idea that I only had 4 more days of happiness, that I would lose my dad, my best friend, and my motivator in life. Little did I know that my father's death would cause my soul to die more so than I ever fathomed possible. Life has a way of catching us completely off guard. We worry about the future, we stress and have anxiety about such trivial things in the grand scheme. The real dilemmas in your life are going to come at eight in the morning on a Thursday and completely knock you off your feet. The moments that shake our entire being are circumstances we could never prepare for or even ever have the opportunity to worry about-- that is how surprisingly painful they are. So how can I be alive when no part of my soul is living, when a large piece of what comprises who I am awaits me in heaven? If you would have told me on June 30th that it would get worse, that my life would become even more "unlivable" I would have laughed and told you it was impossible, but alas it has happened and I am still living.
But contrary to what June 30th Amber thought, it is entirely possible to keep living even when your whole world comes crashing down. It is entirely possible to pick yourself back up from the lowest of lows and put a smile on that broken face of yours. I have found that in sitting on this beach and remembering who you are that I have spent so much time forgetting to actually remember you. You would not have wanted me to suffer a suicidal and lonely life, you would have expected me to get it together and make you proud.
I think this journey of finding you and visiting all of the places that remind me of you will enlighten me. I hope to be provided with insights on who you would want me to be, how you would want me to continue living my life. I know you would want me to be free. Free from the chains that depression can hold you hostage with. This beautiful ocean view was spot one of many on my journey to find closure. This experience will be the hardest thing I have had to do to date, but I know I will get through it. So how am I supposed to live? Freely, entirely free. I will live from this day forward embracing every moment I am presented with and be thankful for the emotions I have. Because, even though the pain of losing you hurts more than I ever thought it would, the joys of remembering you at these spots overwhelms me. The joy and beauty of this life are worth every painful tear. Just as the tides change, people change. I am deciding to change into a lover of life, into a resilient and genuinely happy person. That is what you would have wanted. I left a little piece of you here dad, but you will always be in my heart. I'll see you at our next spot!
How could I resist doing a little bit of bouldering? You would have loved to see me climbing here, Dad. You would have been so proud to watch me doing what I love while letting go of the person I love most.
To wish you a happy birthday seems a bit ironic when you are literally the happiest you could ever be. The funny thing about death is that it only sucks for the people left behind, once you leave this earth you are free. Maybe we don't know the freedom that it is because we are still here. The escape from pain, cruelty, sadness, longing, and no longer missing loved ones that have gone before-- that's freedom. Death is just that, escape. I try to remind myself daily that Dad is in a better place, a place where illness can't harm his beautiful brain. A place where drugs don't ruin families. A place where anger doesn't reside. A place where he can finally be happy. That does not mean that it is any easier for me, or any of us left here missing your warm hugs, sweet smile, and obsessive love for the color orange. We miss you everyday, especially on days like today. Now, I don't know what happens to your soul when you die, but I do believe it is free. Free to no longer be held captive by the passions that being in a carnal state produces, the passions that ultimately cause us pain. Free to know all and understand just how beautiful this world is. I am so sorry you had so much pain in your life and especially in your final days. I wish that I didn't have to be grateful that you are in a better place. I wish we could have made your time here on earth the best place it could possibly be, but it wasn't and now you have found your freedom. I think the intriguing thing about death is that you can live life so fully, and still find the benefits of release in its freedom. It is almost rewarding in a way-- especially if you live a full life in which you found yourself truly. I like to believe that if you live a life enlightened to the wonders of this world, and devote your time to seeking beauty in the things around you and discovering your identity, the release and freedom that death brings is rewarding, leaving you endless time to just be happy and free. Nothing more, just free.
So today I wish you a happy birthday with bright Orange balloons and your Tony Stewart nascar jacket, and I begin a journey-- as your ends. I have 5 days of packing and goodbyes, and then my adventure begins. I am simply keeping a promise I made to you long ago, and in doing so I am going to find myself-- so completely that I can lose myself. I go to seek beauty and to be adventurous, to find what I love and to be enlightened, so I too can be free.
