Breathe... Dammit!

     To be alive has two meanings, in my book. We are all alive in the sense of the word. We breathe in oxygen and release carbon dioxide. Our hearts --the involuntary cardiovascular muscle that symbolizes so much more than the pumping of blood and oxygen—beat without so much as a single thought. These actions are compulsory; they require no thought or even desire to be completed. Our bodies are alive with the breath of life so obligatory in nature that the choice to breathe, the choice to pump blood to every capillary in your tenement, is not even really a choice at all. One can only hold their breath for so long before your intellectual makeup as a mammal screams, “BREATHE DAMMIT!” Being alive in the simplest nature is instinctual, but being alive outside of the carnal sense is so much more. It is breathing in the world around you and holding it in, not for the desire to cut off the oxygen supply to your brain, but the desire to bring the world into who you are as an entity. It is living by your heart, not only because that is the center of your ability to exist, but the metaphorical heart we have all grown up indoctrinated to follow. Ever since we were children our parents, teachers, and friends, have all said those words –you know, the ones we let slip through our minds without ever really pondering what is being said. The words that are so copiously regurgitated unto us all.

“Follow your heart.”

     But what if you don’t know where your heart is going? What if it provides you with no direction or desires? What if it is simply just numb?
    
     How can I be alive when no part of my soul is living? C.S. Lewis once said, “You don’t have a soul, you are a soul—you have a body.” What does this mean for people like me? People who struggle every day to break through the impervious wall that is numbness; a numbness so heavy it breaks you down even more with every fleeting step. For I want nothing in this life, except to inspire joy in the life of others. I want nothing for myself, not that I can’t be selfish frequently, but because I just am. I just exist. That is all; nothing more nothing less. I just am. I have no desire to awake from my slumber most days; a slumber that allows me to dream of possibilities too emotional to address in real life. Maybe it is because being numb is easy –yeah that’s it, being numb is easy. Does this mean I am dead? Not actually living? Why does that thought not terrify me?
   
     Yet I continue to allow this fake smile to permeate my existence because I know it is better for those around, but inside I am breaking. 

    Death has a way of doing that to people, it simply just breaks you down to your core. Tonight I am drowning and I see the debris of who I used to be floating beside me. I try with all my might to use the pieces as a buoy, to simple stay above the water, but those broken pieces once again are my downfall. Life has this uncanny ability to toss curve balls in our paths. Some of them are amazing, like first kisses, or scholarships you weren't expecting. Some of them are God awful, like your family fighting over the belongings your dad left behind, and missing him incessantly. I guess it is all in the perspective we choose to have. I am trying so hard to look at the positive curve balls, the ones I am able to send soaring out of the park, but sometimes I am blind. 

    Tonight I just want to breathe, dammit! I want to be alive again. I want to stop missing you, Dad. I want to stop fighting with my siblings over what physical items you left here to remember you by. I want to do nothing but snuggle up on the couch and watch scrubs with the sweetest guy. I want to be myself, and lay all my depression and anxiety on the table so maybe I can actually deal with it. But for now, for this very second, I want to just breathe.

You Can't be Everyone's Darling - An Open Letter to Sixteen Year Old Amber

My Dearest Amber,

    And yes I mean that... despite what you may think over the next few years you are a very dear soul. Never forget that! Life is going to throw some serious curve-balls at you in the next 4 years, but I promise you that you can handle it all. It will hurt, you will feel alone, you will feel used, you will feel rejected, and you will want to leave this planet weekly, (you sometimes still do) but I can reassure you that there are so many great things to come and reasons to stick around! You just have to remember to find the positive things in life to focus on, and when you are thinking you hate everything and everyone just remember that you are never alone, depression is conquerable one day at a time. Your secret is: 

Making other people happy brings you immense joy. Make 3 new people smile everyday and you will get through your depression day by day.

    Your emotions rule so much of your life, and despite thinking that it is just teenage hormones, it is actually just you. You are emotional. It is both a curse and an astounding blessing to feel everything so deeply. How lucky are you to have such a passion inside that allows you to view the world the way you do. You love everyone, and I quite literally mean everyone. You are the kind of person to make the waitress' day or cause the late night shift of the cashier to not be so dull. That is a gift. You feel people on a very intimate level. You have a gift to read people and see how they are feeling and find the good in everyone you meet. This is a blessing. Two weeks ago for you, four years and two weeks ago for me, Mom was asked to share with the entire Young Women's group at a church banquet what your greatest talent was. While other moms were discussing their daughter's musical gifts and amazing art capabilities you sat beating yourself up inside because you had no talents for your mom to share. Sure... you like music and you paint, but nothing spectacular... Then it was Mom's turn to go and you felt your stomach drop and the embarrassment begin to well up inside you, but what she said surprised you. She had found a talent that you had never truly thought of. She shared with the room that your talent was the gift of giving. She shared how proud she was to say that you were the kind of girl who wants to help everyone and anyone she can. She told a story about the homeless man that brought you to tears, and your love of charity. You never realized that enjoying making people feel good was a talent, but Mommy did. You have held onto that moment tightly to this day, and remember it so vividly that you can picture it in your mind's eye. This will come with much hurt, though. You will feel like you are constantly putting more effort into relationships. You will have a hard time understanding why other people are so judgmental and rude. You will judge yourself harshly when you are judgmental and rude. And you will have your heart broken, many, many, many times because you are so ready to give it away. This talent really is a blessing, but you have to be careful. You must remember to not deliver second and third chances immediately. You must remember that some people do not want whats best for you. You must remember that at the end of the day you may not be everybody's darling.
    I know it is hard to hear that you will not be enough for some people, and I am sorry to have to tell you this, but you will lose friendships and the interest of boys simply because you are not right for them. Remember, that is okay! This doesn't mean you are not a catch, because you are! You are pretty, and funny, and sweet, and ambitious! Not everyone is going to love you. Try to not beat yourself up about this, nor close your heart off. It is important that you do not let other people's hurting you affect the potential for future relationships. There will also be people whose hearts you break and you will feel terrible, but you have to remember that not everybody is meant to be. You cannot fix people, and you cannot let people try to fix you. The beauty of life is in individuality, and not everybody is going to value everything you bring to the table...this is okay!
    Right now you are finally allowed to date, how exciting is that! Don't do it. Let me reiterate that: DO NOT GIVE YOUR HEART AWAY AT SIXTEEN! Just because Mom and Kimball say it is okay for you to go out with boys now does not mean you need to or should. I know, it is so exciting... but all of your church leaders are right when they say you should only casually date and not have boyfriends. High school relationships are silly and will hurt you --scratch that even past high school you will get hurt. Actually as far as twenty year old you is concerned you don't need boys at all at this stage of your life! 25 sounds like a great time to start dating, go for that. Why rush? Work on loving yourself because, girlfriend, you are gonna need it. At the end of the day you are left with your own mind, and if your own mind is a toxic and self deprecating place you are never going to be happy. How can you make anyone else happy when you are stuck in a pit of self loathing. This is something you just learned today, the inspiration for this letter. You are worth so much, so much more than even 24 hour ago you realized. Do not settle for anything less than happiness. You have such a vibrant spirit and a loving heart. You are going to make somebody very happy someday and there is no need to rush that. Take your time, have an adventure, and learn to love you for all the amazing attributes you have! Remember, you are not a parking spot. You are not a temporary holding place for people to figure out exactly how they want you in their lives. Always be a positive influence on the lives you are lucky enough to be welcomed into. Leave everything you come into better than you found it!
    Lastly, go hug Dad. Don't let go. Ever. I know you have watched him go in and out of the hospital your entire life and it has been really heart-breaking, but stand by his side through all of those times. He is your best friend at sixteen and will be until the day he leaves this Earth, and even after that. You will struggle with your depression over the next four years and you will think that you have endured the worst heartbreaks in that time and begin to close yourself off to the world around you except your best friend --Dad. Losing him, in fact, will be the worst pain you have ever felt. No matter how prepared you think you are, Amber, you will not be ready. That phone call at 8:48am on July 3rd, 2014 will bring your world crashing down. You will literally melt on the floor of your office and be forced to drive to his home hysterically, trying to see through your oceans of tears that pour from your deadened brown eyes. You will be blind sided and it will kill every fiber of genuine happiness you have in that silly little heart of yours. Now don't get me wrong, he is in a better place. We genuinely believe that, but it still is crippling.
    If I could give you some advice on this, now that it has been 8 months and I can be somewhat composed. Answer every phone call from now until he is gone. Cherish every forehead kiss he gives you --you are going to miss those most. Rub his swollen feet every chance you get, even if your hands get tired. Cherish every second you spend staring at the stars together, and bask in the joy he gets from learning about the constellations. Play your violin for him as often as you can, trust me, you won't be able to bring yourself to pick it up when he is gone. He really does love to hear you play, he isn't just saying that. It will simply gather dust, and for now that is okay, until you find another muse. On that dreadful day, stop completely at the stop sign on East Stockton Blvd. The police officer is not understanding of the reason you are racing home and the ticket is expensive. In the days following remember that it is okay to be broken. You are still broken, you have just learned to hide it from everyone else. It is okay to be angry. It is okay to feel lost. It is not okay to try and leave this world. It is not okay to be selfish. Remember that you will always be his darling. Always.

You must stay strong. You will get through it.

  

Thank You for Being my Soul Mate

   If I have learned one thing in this life, it is that I don't have a soul. I am a soul, I have a body. The deep seeded emotions that seem to entirely control my existence are governed by this soul that I am so fortunate to call my own. I am growing to love who I am at the very core. I am learning to realize what my sensitivity means in way of being a friend, a lover, a contributor to society --and in all of this I am seeing just how valuable of an attribute it truly is. It has been quite the adventure discovering myself, and before I can pride myself in these accomplishments, I must pay gratitude where it is due. In this journey not only have I found myself, but I have found my soul mate.

Never did I know I'd find my soul mate in my best friend.

     

    I am not sure if 'find' is the appropriate word in this case, for you have been there all along. I grew up with the fairytale perspective of soul mates; the one in which there is a boy for every girl and love is this epic journey of falling ever so quickly into a perfect life together. I am here to tell you that that does not always happen. Your soul mate does not have to be a boy you fall in love with at first sight and live happily ever after with. For me, it is simple, my soul mate is the person who has stood by me through everything. The one who despite all of my less than intelligent life decisions, loves me unconditionally. My backbone when I seem to have lost mine, and my other half. Thank you, Emily, for being my soul mate. 

Thank you for listening to my boy drama

When I am confused, frustrated, hurt or otherwise needing you to listen about my usually dysfunctional love life, I know that you will be there. Even if its two in the morning, or you've heard the same story four hundred times. Thank you.

Thank you for being wierd

Let's be honest, I am probably one of the strangest individuals you will ever meet. It is so comforting to know that I have a best friend who not only doesn't judge me, but participates in my strange oddities along side me. Thank you for the weird voices, silly jokes, and running around like we're crazy.

Thank you for wiping my tears

Everyone that truly knows me knows how much I hate crying. You have become my outlet for all of these built up emotions to be let go. I can't express enough how thankful I am that I can be comfortable enough with you to be myself, tears and all. Thank you for not judging me when I make that stupid, ugly "I'm-crying-way-too-hard-to-control-my-face-muscles" face that I make when I cry. Thank you for letting my tears soak your t-shirts while you hug the sadness out of me. Thank you for keeping me sane.

Thank you for reminding me of my dad

Most people don't know how to deal with my mourning my father and in turn we all just avoid talking about it. Thank you for reminding me that it's okay to talk about the hard things in life. You are the first person to point something out and say something along the lines of, "Amber, your dad would have loved this." Thank you for recognizing how instrumental my father was (and still is) in my life, and not being scared to talk to me about him and the times we shared. Thank you for helping me grieve and reminding me that everything will be okay. 

Thank you for telling me I'm worth something

It is no secret that I am insecure to a major fault, but thank you for reminding me that I don't have a reason to be insecure. Thank you for telling me I'm beautiful, smart, a good friend, funny, and worth everything my heart desires. Thank you for not letting me be too hard on myself. Thank you for reminding me that I am something special.

Thank you for appreciating my heart

My favorite thing about myself is my capability to love others. I am such a sensitive soul with a heart for people, and many do not understand why I am this way. Some even tell me I am too sweet, too loving, or too giving.  Thank you for constantly reminding me that this is my greatest quality, that there is no such thing as too much love, and reminding me not to settle on anyone who doesn't see and appreciate it. 

Thank you for snuggling me when I am sad/lonely

When life gets you down, what's better than a cuddle fest with your best girl!?!

Basically Em, I love you to the moon and back and twice around the stars. I am so thankful that you keep me honest, true to myself, and not settling for crappy things in life. I am so thankful to be able to call you my best friend and soul mate. I truly have no clue where I'd be without you. 

     

The 10 Things Nobody Prepared me for in Losing my Dad at 20

Everybody loses their parents, it is a very real fact of life. We come to earth, we live, we die --the legacy we leave behind lies in our children's memories and their own futures. It seems that this reality, the one in which your parent dies, should not be a difficult one to understand, for it is natural. However, no one could have prepared me for this. The ten things nobody prepared me for in losing my dad at the age of 20:

1. No one told me that I would feel so empty.
     Days go by where I can feel a physical emptiness inside myself. This sadness is so much more than sadness, it is a physical manifestation of the pain and loneliness I feel.  It is almost impossible to describe the void that appears almost instantaneously after a parent passes, but it is real...too real. You can be feeling totally normal one day (whatever normal is I guess) and then a memory comes to you and your stomach sinks creating a pit that cannot be filled.

2. No one told me that I would cry so much.
    I am not a crier. I am the kind of person who pretends I am fine one hundred percent of the time and never lets anybody see me at a weak moment. If I cry, it is when I am alone in the shower with music turned up so nobody could possibly know how distraught I am. But not now. I cry all the freaking time and it is so overwhelming. Especially for somebody who does not respond well when I see other people cry, I am almost disgusted with my sensitivity. And once it starts, I blow up and have a meltdown until my body physically cannot produce anymore tears. I have become used to wearing sunglasses in public so nobody can see my puffy eyes, and the most difficult part of it is that you DO NOT WANT TO BE THAT PERSON!!! If it was in my power I would suck it up, but I simply cannot.

3. No one told me how hurtful other people's words can be.
    I have truly learned the value of being kind to others in this experience. I have heard my whole life that you should treat other people with care because you never know the battle they are facing privately. I now understand the weight of this lesson. I have had moments at the grocery store, or meeting new people, or even catching up with old friends when something will be said that rips me apart. Of course these instances are accidental, but it still hurts. I have also had things said to me with malicious intent and have learned the cruelty that can be the human race. I have had numerous people tell me I should "really get over it and stop being depressed" and I have even had people accuse me of faking my father's death for attention. Seriously, it is hard enough dealing with the loss and even harder dealing with scrutiny in it.

4. No one told me how alone I would feel.
    It is very hard to be around other people when you feel that nobody understands what you are feeling. Your best friends care so much and want to help, but you have a hard time explaining to them the feelings that you are experiencing. Even in an environment where you are surrounded by people, you still feel entirely alone. Sometimes, you become a recluse because it is almost easier than faking a smile around others.

5. No one told me how hard Christmas would be.
   I have never had a more tear-filled Christmas for me and my whole family.  It was so strange not seeing my dad's giddy expressions as he opened the traditional hot wheels, shot glasses, and nascar stuff from each of us kids. He was always so excited, even if it was just a picture or painting. He always expelled so much love towards us kids, and the absence of that this Christmas was almost unbearable.

6. No one told me that people would avoid me.
   I have lost contact with many friends simply because they do not know how to handle an Amber that is struggling with severe depression. I have truly learned who will stand by my side through anything and which friends are only along for the surface level relationship. I have lost a large portion of my friends due to a lack of understanding in where I am and what I am feeling. I understand though, I would not want to be tasked with the responsibility of holding up someone who is inevitably falling closer and closer to the ground daily.

7. No one told me I would become needy.
   I have spent my whole life proudly being Miss Independent, I have never once needed anyone else to make me happy or even motivate me to get out of bed. But lately, I find myself requiring so much reassurance in who I am. It's like I have become unsure of my worth due to sadness. I have become so full of uncertainty in how others feel about me and it has made me almost needy. If I could change one thing on this list, this would be it. I am not used to being dependent on others for my happiness, but I promise in time I will be back to normal, stubborn, independent Amber. Until then, please just bare with me and reassure me that this isn't permanent and you love me despite my neediness.

8. No one told me I would forget.
   The scariest part of losing a parent is in forgetting parts of them. I have had numerous full fledged anxiety attacks over simply being unable to recall what my dad looks like, or smells like, or worst of all sounds like. You go your whole life seeing somebody, and hearing their voice in your nightly phone calls and then they are gone. They vanish. And no matter how much you wish you could change it, no matter how hard you cry on the floor of your bedroom, you are unable to bring them back. They are gone. Obviously, I can just look at a picture and see him and remember, but nothing hurts more than not being able to hear in my mind's voice exactly how he said I love you. I will never hear those words again from him so all I have are those memories, and when they fade, even if just for a few moments, it is searing, unendurable pain.

9. No one told me that I would cry anytime someone mentioned weddings.
   Every little girl imagines and creates their perfect wedding as they grow up, complete with a beautiful dress, a handsome groom, flowers, and Daddy walking you down the aisle. My heart collapses at the thought of this never becoming a reality for me. When my dad first got sick years ago, he promised me to fight as hard as he could so he could be there on my wedding day and now I am left to one day experience that day in his absence. When I lived with my dad in middle school we decided that we would dance to "You'll be in my Heart" from Tarzan at my wedding, and now I can't even listen to that song without tearing up. It is so devastating to me that something as joyous as a wedding can be tainted by the loss of my best friend. Don't even get me started on the idea of having children...

10. No one ever told me how confusing it would be.
    Confusing. That is the best word I can use to describe it. No matter how prepared you are, you will never be ready and you are left confused in their absence. You almost feel stupid, because everyone's parents die at some point, but that doesn't change how devastated you are. In your 20's you are officially growing up, there are so many questions left unanswered --indefinitely. No one told me about the internal battle I would face about how I feel. I want to be okay, but I simply cannot and that is confusing. No one told me that my sadness would come and go. That I would have days where I am completely okay and almost forget that he is gone, and then the next day remember and almost feel guilty for functioning normally the day before. No one told me how much I would be in battle with my own emotions. No one told me how much I would miss him. Although, I don't think you can ever adequately capture in words just how deep and intense the longing for their presence can be and how completely numbing missing them is.

But now, I am telling you that you will be okay!
    I promise you, if I can do it you can too. Chin up. I have learned one thing in this trial:

You can love somebody so much in this life, but you will never love somebody as much as you will miss them. The important thing is to keep going and give them a legacy they would be proud of. 

Another Night, Another Dream Wasted on You

Another day finds me with an absence of words. I long to gather my thoughts. I long to tell you what my mind ponders and describe the details of my heart. Until then, Mayday Parade....

If I Wasn't Me.

     For the first time in my life I am struggling with writer's block. My emotions are in such a place where my brain and my heart cannot cooperate. Simply put, even I cannot understand my thoughts enough to express them through writing. This has been a strange dilemma for me to face, my whole life I have kept journals and found so much ease in collecting my thoughts through writing. I am not very good at communicating face to face what my heart really feels, I find so much comfort in the shelter of my computer screen. Somehow, hidden behind my keyboard I feel much less vulnerable. Regardless, I have so many things that I need to just let out. So today I have embarked on a mission to just write, this may be the worst entry I have ever written due to the incoherent nature of my mind currently, but I just need to let it flow and hope that I emerge from this block a reformed version of myself.
 
     I have been struggling with the idea of identity. Mainly with the idea of myself having an identity. I am caught in this existential crisis, not knowing if I act the way I do because that is who I really am or who I want others to see me as. I do not feel as if the persona I allow people to see is fake, merely just a censored version of the reality that is my inner consciousness. I am beginning to realize, however, that in order to be the most whole human I can, I need to bring my inner self in line with who I portray myself as. This thought terrifies me, not because I feel who I am internally is bad, frankly it is because who I am is deep and I worry it is too deep for others to want to hold onto. I find that I allow myself this hard exterior and pretend that I am strong and resilient, when really I am more sensitive than I have ever let anyone else see. I feel everything so fully, and I have spent the last few years pushing that part of me aside. In doing this, I get really hurt because other people do not know how sensitive I really am or how adversely I am effected by their actions. The truth is, I over think every word spoken to me, I over analyze why I was not good enough, I beat myself up over lost opportunities, and I constantly wonder if things would be different if I wasn't me. But I do not let others see this, so they have no way of knowing that I am torn, instead I just quietly break down over my piano. I have wanted to be a warrior, to not show weakness, even when I am crumbling. Partly in fear of others reactions, because I have this profound insecurity accompanied by a fear that maybe the real me couldn't be loved. Partly because I want others to feel like they can come to me and have a friend to stand strong for them when they feel their life is being uprooted.

And partly because sometimes pretending to not feel is simply easier.

     I have this really great friend who has always been able to see the hurt in my heart no matter how many times I lie to him and tell him I am okay. He has spent many nights begging me to just be honest with him instead of locking myself in my room to vent through my keyboard. I have always heard the things he told me and advice he gave, but I don't think I have really ever listened. We were talking last week about where I am at in life and I opened up to him about how lonely I have been feeling. He ripped open my entire universe with the advice he gave me. I have spent years thinking that no one understood my brain, and here I sat in a chair in his living room while he seemed to understand me better than I did. He told me that I need to just be myself. Now I know what you are thinking, we have all heard this advice from many different sources growing up. Our parents told us to be ourselves to make friends at school. Big sisters told us to just be ourselves on our first dates. Grandparents told us to just be ourselves at our first job interviews. It is a prevailing comment in our culture, yet I don't think I have ever embraced it. mainly out of fear that myself isn't good enough. I always wonder what the world would be like if I wasn't me, instead what if I was confident, gorgeous, charismatic, funny, and not so emotional. I have concluded that that thought is stupid! I am made this way for a reason and a purpose. even my flaws have value and to be emotional is not a flaw but a gift allowing me to see the world differently. So I promise today to be myself, and if you stay then awesome. I only ask that you keep the pieces of myself that I give to you safe, and I can promise to give you adventure and to not leave your life unchanged. After all, you will never meet another person quite like "myself."

   Don't worry, I haven't spent my whole life living a lie, I have just withheld a part of me from everyone. I realized the weight of this friendly advice on my drive home while I was reminiscing about my dad. He always told me my greatest quality was how deeply I felt. I was a very sensitive child, I used to drive my sister and step sister nuts with how easily I would run inside crying after they teased me. Eventually I grew up and began to understand jokes and sarcasm, and those things didn't break me any longer. Life, on the other hand, did. I had many struggles handed to me and ultimately I broke. I started to feel that I needed to hide my sensitive side from the majority of the world because the real Amber was broken. The only person I let in was my dad for I felt he was the only person who could see all of my scars and shattered pieces and still think of me as whole. After all, he was broken too. But he always told me that my heart was good and to just be myself and the people who deserved to love me would see the intrinsic beauty that comprised who I am. He was right, and so was Alex. The answer is to just be me. So I am done with all of the walls I have built up. What is the point of having them? We build up these walls to keep the broken pieces of us hidden and then cry alone at night when nobody understands us. I am done with that life! The truth is, I am really a deep person who feels so much more than you may ever understand. I cringe at the lack of empathy in the world. I hate how often people do not think of how their actions will effect the lives of others. I am done censoring how I feel.

    Lastly, I could never be broken. I have realized that broken is a word I have used to allow myself to not deal with the struggles in my life, it has been an excuse. But the truth is, every trial I have overcome has added to who I am, not broken it apart.

  

"For in my last days I will seek beauty so elaborate that the eye cannot perceive it's exceptional quality, that only my heart may feel it's exquisite value. In my last days it is raw, unadulterated beauty that I must find."

-Amber Lynn Mann