The Love Behind my Life

     After what has been seemingly the longest month of my existence, my little brother has returned home from Newport. Now, I don't expect anyone to understand the complexity that our relationship holds, for it is one that is laced with a multifaceted array of emotions. In the end, this blossoming friendship can be encompassed by one word: love. 

     Around no one else am I able to completely be myself. He inspires so much livelihood in me, that I find myself constantly giggling through our wrestling matches and openly wailing along to the most ridiculous of songs. Moments with him encompass such a unique euphoria that I cannot even adequately capture in words how meaningful this boy is in my life.

      Especially on days where I question if I am even loved at all, this red-headed menace ensures that I know just how much he cares. It is in the simplest of indicators that I find his love. The random text messages making sure I am feeling okay. The constant invitation to scale some rocks. The way he openly tosses around a threat to the life of anyone who hurts me --even though I have seem twigs in the field next to my house with more mass than his arms. He loves me. I love him. It is simple.

     Let me give you a little back ground. Nine days before five year old Amber Mann found out she was going to be a big sister, she wrote a story in her kindergarten scribble about finding a genie and wishing for a little sister. Well, that genie had other plans and blessed my life with Nathan Andrew Mann. However, it wasn't all adoration from the beginning; I hated that pooping, crying, attention stealing baby more than anything. I refused to accept that I could harbor any positive feeling towards him until he grew older and I learned what it meant to be an older sibling.

     It was my job to protect him from the world. To ensure that he did not see the things Ashley and I saw. It was our job together to help raise Nathan while our mom worked overtime to make sure we did not know what struggle was. It was my job to show him what love was, to teach him how to treat girls (we are still working on this one ;) ). It was my job to be an example to him, to provide him with footsteps to follow if he ever got lost. But most of all, it was and still is my job to unconditionally stand by his side through every hard time we have and will face -- pouring out my heart when he needs to hear it, opening welcoming arms when he needs a hug, providing a listening ear with promise to refrain on judgement. But I think more than I have touched his life, he has rearranged mine entirely. He has taught me so much more than I think he will ever realize, and for that I am eternally grateful. There are many days when he is the only reason I cling onto this existence. When it would be easier to just vanish, I remember his goofy personality and realize just how selfish a premature exit would be. I have found my meaning in life and it is simply to love this young padawan. I was made to bring as much happiness as I can into his already elated life. My heart breaks as I come to realize that I can no longer protect him from the cruelty that lives in this world, but I know he has a stronger heart than I.

Nathan, you are my world. Without you I would simply cease to exist. I am sorry that I cannot be the perfect big sister my heart so deeply longs to be. I am sorry I cannot protect you from the hurt of this life. I wish I could take all of your pain away. I am sorry you have had to see your dad waste away before your eyes, and I am sorry I could not be stronger for you. I am deeply sorry you have to see me the way I currently am, just know that in time all wounds heal. I know that if I ever do leave this life while you still walk this Earth you will be just fine. For you are a strong, brave, handsome, resilient young man with more life in you than I have ever seen.

From the words of Winnie the Pooh:

“If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.”

With Eyes for Beauty

          The swing-set. The rickety, memory-filled swing-set. The swing-set that, for years, sat in Grandma's backyard producing rust and propagating the most genuine of laughs. The slide, enormous in the eyes of a five year old little girl, was bright red and offered the most alluring invitation for bare feet to attempt to scale it's face. The swings soared with wings like that of a majestic eagle, or at least that's how it felt to the girl with red hair trialing in the breeze and a smile breaking through her porcelain face. The greatest feeling in her simple world was the feeling of the soft green grass between her toes, and the knowledge that for a moment she could escape the world in her Grandma's swing-set.

         At the age of five one does not really comprehend the cruel, unpalatable reality of human nature. Simply put, the vastness of the world is masked by the innocence that those deep brown eyes cultivate when they see only the beauty around them. The beauty that lives in every creature. The beauty that is in every breath of life. The beauty that is entirely the ignorance of childhood. An ignorance I long to return to. Those brown eyes saw many illustrations of this cruelty, but at her young age did not understand the implications of what she was experiencing. Her heart was so full of wonder and admiration for the world around her that not a single word spoken to her, or hateful act performed against her could hinder her love for the days she had been given. For she knew that no matter what happened she could always return to her swing-set where she could create her own life and forget the one that by some ill-fated happenstance had been dealt to her. By the time her eyes were opened and the veil of seemingly unbreakable forgiveness was broken, she realized that seeing beauty in the world required effort. It required pushing down the sorrows, and plastering a smile on that freckled face even when there was no cause for joy. She realized that being brave meant holding your head up for others, having courage was entirely a selfless act in and of itself, and strength could come from memories of the times you felt the weakest. She learned what it meant to overcome.

Well, sort-of.

        This is a story of triumph, a story of diligence to find the beauty in this world. A tale that encompasses the dream I have for finding hope in humanity, and myself. I have spent many days daydreaming of the times on my grandma's swing-set, when life was easy to run away from and depression didn't eat me away daily. I have seen too many examples of hatred to believe that this world is a good place, so I must change that one human encounter at a time. I am going to spend every day finding the beauty in this life, because without beauty why breathe? I am going to create the beauty by fostering the love and illustrating the simple things that make this life worth living. I am going to leave every life I enter better than I found it and strive to truly understand my fellow man. Because in the end people suck, life sucks, and everyone hurts you...but that doesn't mean I am going to idly participate in this phenomena we call human nature. Instead I am going to create my own nature by showing more love than hate, and trying to make this world something I can call home.

    

         Maybe this is just another swing-set adventure where I am creating my own life, but at least it will be beautiful one.