A darkness too black for life to radiate, for existence to be cultivated, for happiness to thrive. A thick, black, permeating darkness. That is the seemingly permanent state of my being come 2:30 in the morning, with a midterm just 5 hours away. Being trapped in your thoughts is such an interesting prison. It is all encompassing, with absolutely no possibility of escape. This is where I lay, trapped by the cell walls that comprise my inner consciousness. I long for release but not even I can understand the elaborate maze that is my cognizance enough to escape. The past, it haunts me as I sit in this solitary confinement. I am tortured by the "what ifs" and "shouldn't haves" as memories flash by-- moments I long to return to and change permanently.
Would I have treated people differently? Would I have taken advantage of every phone call my father made to me in his last days? Would I have made sure my relationship with my mother was how it is now? Would I have said goodbye to Taylor or would she be sitting here right now helping me fight off this depression? Would I have moved to New York right away, or waited until now when I can use it as an escape from the hell that Sacramento has turned out to be. Would I have given that cute boy more of a chance on the bus back from Disneyland, or wait to find out he is now way out of my league? Would I have met David? Would I have loved him--how could I not? Would I have moved into two different homes where emotions over rule all logical thought?
I never thought I would be capable of describing myself as broken. My
whole life I have been the spunky, sweet, loving, and optimistic redhead
who could not, for any reason, be brought down by the dregs of life. It
seems that lately this person who I used to be has washed away in the
waves of self hate and suffering and been replaced with a lonely,
depressed, and broken girl. I guess one could say I have officially lost
my innocence. The rose colored glasses that used to so permanently veil
my vision have been stripped away and crushed under the foot of
realization. It sucks. Growing up sucks. One day you wake up and realize that the world is not the place you thought it was. Not everyone is like you, some people really just don't know what empathy is...I think that is what hurts the most. I see these people blatantly disregarding the well being of others for their own selfish desires, and it has broken me.
I have become so skilled at establishing these walls. Initially I build them up to keep others out, because vulnerability is terrifying, but then in the wee hours of sleepless nights I find that I have trapped myself behind them. When I want to escape I do not know how. I have grown to dislike who I am to the very core, not because I am a bad person, but because I simply cannot find happiness or even enthusiasm for existing. When my dad left this earth he broke off a piece of my heart and took it with him. I knew this would be the case for I loved him so fully. Little did I know it would be the part that allows me to feel strong, motivated, encouraged, or brave. I simply do not know how to exist without his encouragement and unfailing love. I guess losing your best friend isn't supposed to be easy though. But then there are these other life moments that break of more pieces of who I am. They chip away slowly but every so painfully. These pieces are the feelings of inadequacy left behind after knowing a guy you want so badly has zero interest in you. Or when you have no friends at all because of some stupid rumors people believed. Or when choosing a different religion (or not having one at all) causes the people you loved most to leave your life. Or when you came face to face with death and weren't terrified. Even the piece that is discarded every time you feel stupid in lecture hall. Then you are left a pile of discomfort at 2:30 in the morning with all of these pieces laid out before you. The most gut wrenching feeling is seeing all of them, scattered around your prison cell of a mind, but not being able to fit them all back together to form the heart that once existed before this world shattered it. Broken.
I want so badly to believe that this is temporary, but I have yet to find a cure. I continue to give my heart to people and allow them to break off more tiny pieces to hold onto, only to pull it out of their deep pockets when they need something or my friendship is convenient. I think that is why I have become so good at disappearing. I have learned that in the end everyone is going to hurt you, so you need to find a way to survive on your own. I have yet to find someone so willing to give of themselves fully, not expecting anything in return. I have grown to be a parking space for people to temporarily occupy until their lives improve and my kindness is no longer beneficial. Some may say it is selfish to vanish for periods of time, I believe it is cultivating enlightenment. Sometimes the easiest way to rid your mind of the broken pieces is to fill it with entirely new experiences to push the damaged ones out of the way. So now it begins. Here's to finding beauty and restoring a broken heart. Adventure breeds excitement and experience that I could never regret, so I have gone to obtain a great perhaps. Goodbye for now.
Would I have treated people differently? Would I have taken advantage of every phone call my father made to me in his last days? Would I have made sure my relationship with my mother was how it is now? Would I have said goodbye to Taylor or would she be sitting here right now helping me fight off this depression? Would I have moved to New York right away, or waited until now when I can use it as an escape from the hell that Sacramento has turned out to be. Would I have given that cute boy more of a chance on the bus back from Disneyland, or wait to find out he is now way out of my league? Would I have met David? Would I have loved him--how could I not? Would I have moved into two different homes where emotions over rule all logical thought?
Would I have found a way to find happiness?
I have become so skilled at establishing these walls. Initially I build them up to keep others out, because vulnerability is terrifying, but then in the wee hours of sleepless nights I find that I have trapped myself behind them. When I want to escape I do not know how. I have grown to dislike who I am to the very core, not because I am a bad person, but because I simply cannot find happiness or even enthusiasm for existing. When my dad left this earth he broke off a piece of my heart and took it with him. I knew this would be the case for I loved him so fully. Little did I know it would be the part that allows me to feel strong, motivated, encouraged, or brave. I simply do not know how to exist without his encouragement and unfailing love. I guess losing your best friend isn't supposed to be easy though. But then there are these other life moments that break of more pieces of who I am. They chip away slowly but every so painfully. These pieces are the feelings of inadequacy left behind after knowing a guy you want so badly has zero interest in you. Or when you have no friends at all because of some stupid rumors people believed. Or when choosing a different religion (or not having one at all) causes the people you loved most to leave your life. Or when you came face to face with death and weren't terrified. Even the piece that is discarded every time you feel stupid in lecture hall. Then you are left a pile of discomfort at 2:30 in the morning with all of these pieces laid out before you. The most gut wrenching feeling is seeing all of them, scattered around your prison cell of a mind, but not being able to fit them all back together to form the heart that once existed before this world shattered it. Broken.
I want so badly to believe that this is temporary, but I have yet to find a cure. I continue to give my heart to people and allow them to break off more tiny pieces to hold onto, only to pull it out of their deep pockets when they need something or my friendship is convenient. I think that is why I have become so good at disappearing. I have learned that in the end everyone is going to hurt you, so you need to find a way to survive on your own. I have yet to find someone so willing to give of themselves fully, not expecting anything in return. I have grown to be a parking space for people to temporarily occupy until their lives improve and my kindness is no longer beneficial. Some may say it is selfish to vanish for periods of time, I believe it is cultivating enlightenment. Sometimes the easiest way to rid your mind of the broken pieces is to fill it with entirely new experiences to push the damaged ones out of the way. So now it begins. Here's to finding beauty and restoring a broken heart. Adventure breeds excitement and experience that I could never regret, so I have gone to obtain a great perhaps. Goodbye for now.
