Breathe... Dammit!

     To be alive has two meanings, in my book. We are all alive in the sense of the word. We breathe in oxygen and release carbon dioxide. Our hearts --the involuntary cardiovascular muscle that symbolizes so much more than the pumping of blood and oxygen—beat without so much as a single thought. These actions are compulsory; they require no thought or even desire to be completed. Our bodies are alive with the breath of life so obligatory in nature that the choice to breathe, the choice to pump blood to every capillary in your tenement, is not even really a choice at all. One can only hold their breath for so long before your intellectual makeup as a mammal screams, “BREATHE DAMMIT!” Being alive in the simplest nature is instinctual, but being alive outside of the carnal sense is so much more. It is breathing in the world around you and holding it in, not for the desire to cut off the oxygen supply to your brain, but the desire to bring the world into who you are as an entity. It is living by your heart, not only because that is the center of your ability to exist, but the metaphorical heart we have all grown up indoctrinated to follow. Ever since we were children our parents, teachers, and friends, have all said those words –you know, the ones we let slip through our minds without ever really pondering what is being said. The words that are so copiously regurgitated unto us all.

“Follow your heart.”

     But what if you don’t know where your heart is going? What if it provides you with no direction or desires? What if it is simply just numb?
    
     How can I be alive when no part of my soul is living? C.S. Lewis once said, “You don’t have a soul, you are a soul—you have a body.” What does this mean for people like me? People who struggle every day to break through the impervious wall that is numbness; a numbness so heavy it breaks you down even more with every fleeting step. For I want nothing in this life, except to inspire joy in the life of others. I want nothing for myself, not that I can’t be selfish frequently, but because I just am. I just exist. That is all; nothing more nothing less. I just am. I have no desire to awake from my slumber most days; a slumber that allows me to dream of possibilities too emotional to address in real life. Maybe it is because being numb is easy –yeah that’s it, being numb is easy. Does this mean I am dead? Not actually living? Why does that thought not terrify me?
   
     Yet I continue to allow this fake smile to permeate my existence because I know it is better for those around, but inside I am breaking. 

    Death has a way of doing that to people, it simply just breaks you down to your core. Tonight I am drowning and I see the debris of who I used to be floating beside me. I try with all my might to use the pieces as a buoy, to simple stay above the water, but those broken pieces once again are my downfall. Life has this uncanny ability to toss curve balls in our paths. Some of them are amazing, like first kisses, or scholarships you weren't expecting. Some of them are God awful, like your family fighting over the belongings your dad left behind, and missing him incessantly. I guess it is all in the perspective we choose to have. I am trying so hard to look at the positive curve balls, the ones I am able to send soaring out of the park, but sometimes I am blind. 

    Tonight I just want to breathe, dammit! I want to be alive again. I want to stop missing you, Dad. I want to stop fighting with my siblings over what physical items you left here to remember you by. I want to do nothing but snuggle up on the couch and watch scrubs with the sweetest guy. I want to be myself, and lay all my depression and anxiety on the table so maybe I can actually deal with it. But for now, for this very second, I want to just breathe.

You Can't be Everyone's Darling - An Open Letter to Sixteen Year Old Amber

My Dearest Amber,

    And yes I mean that... despite what you may think over the next few years you are a very dear soul. Never forget that! Life is going to throw some serious curve-balls at you in the next 4 years, but I promise you that you can handle it all. It will hurt, you will feel alone, you will feel used, you will feel rejected, and you will want to leave this planet weekly, (you sometimes still do) but I can reassure you that there are so many great things to come and reasons to stick around! You just have to remember to find the positive things in life to focus on, and when you are thinking you hate everything and everyone just remember that you are never alone, depression is conquerable one day at a time. Your secret is: 

Making other people happy brings you immense joy. Make 3 new people smile everyday and you will get through your depression day by day.

    Your emotions rule so much of your life, and despite thinking that it is just teenage hormones, it is actually just you. You are emotional. It is both a curse and an astounding blessing to feel everything so deeply. How lucky are you to have such a passion inside that allows you to view the world the way you do. You love everyone, and I quite literally mean everyone. You are the kind of person to make the waitress' day or cause the late night shift of the cashier to not be so dull. That is a gift. You feel people on a very intimate level. You have a gift to read people and see how they are feeling and find the good in everyone you meet. This is a blessing. Two weeks ago for you, four years and two weeks ago for me, Mom was asked to share with the entire Young Women's group at a church banquet what your greatest talent was. While other moms were discussing their daughter's musical gifts and amazing art capabilities you sat beating yourself up inside because you had no talents for your mom to share. Sure... you like music and you paint, but nothing spectacular... Then it was Mom's turn to go and you felt your stomach drop and the embarrassment begin to well up inside you, but what she said surprised you. She had found a talent that you had never truly thought of. She shared with the room that your talent was the gift of giving. She shared how proud she was to say that you were the kind of girl who wants to help everyone and anyone she can. She told a story about the homeless man that brought you to tears, and your love of charity. You never realized that enjoying making people feel good was a talent, but Mommy did. You have held onto that moment tightly to this day, and remember it so vividly that you can picture it in your mind's eye. This will come with much hurt, though. You will feel like you are constantly putting more effort into relationships. You will have a hard time understanding why other people are so judgmental and rude. You will judge yourself harshly when you are judgmental and rude. And you will have your heart broken, many, many, many times because you are so ready to give it away. This talent really is a blessing, but you have to be careful. You must remember to not deliver second and third chances immediately. You must remember that some people do not want whats best for you. You must remember that at the end of the day you may not be everybody's darling.
    I know it is hard to hear that you will not be enough for some people, and I am sorry to have to tell you this, but you will lose friendships and the interest of boys simply because you are not right for them. Remember, that is okay! This doesn't mean you are not a catch, because you are! You are pretty, and funny, and sweet, and ambitious! Not everyone is going to love you. Try to not beat yourself up about this, nor close your heart off. It is important that you do not let other people's hurting you affect the potential for future relationships. There will also be people whose hearts you break and you will feel terrible, but you have to remember that not everybody is meant to be. You cannot fix people, and you cannot let people try to fix you. The beauty of life is in individuality, and not everybody is going to value everything you bring to the table...this is okay!
    Right now you are finally allowed to date, how exciting is that! Don't do it. Let me reiterate that: DO NOT GIVE YOUR HEART AWAY AT SIXTEEN! Just because Mom and Kimball say it is okay for you to go out with boys now does not mean you need to or should. I know, it is so exciting... but all of your church leaders are right when they say you should only casually date and not have boyfriends. High school relationships are silly and will hurt you --scratch that even past high school you will get hurt. Actually as far as twenty year old you is concerned you don't need boys at all at this stage of your life! 25 sounds like a great time to start dating, go for that. Why rush? Work on loving yourself because, girlfriend, you are gonna need it. At the end of the day you are left with your own mind, and if your own mind is a toxic and self deprecating place you are never going to be happy. How can you make anyone else happy when you are stuck in a pit of self loathing. This is something you just learned today, the inspiration for this letter. You are worth so much, so much more than even 24 hour ago you realized. Do not settle for anything less than happiness. You have such a vibrant spirit and a loving heart. You are going to make somebody very happy someday and there is no need to rush that. Take your time, have an adventure, and learn to love you for all the amazing attributes you have! Remember, you are not a parking spot. You are not a temporary holding place for people to figure out exactly how they want you in their lives. Always be a positive influence on the lives you are lucky enough to be welcomed into. Leave everything you come into better than you found it!
    Lastly, go hug Dad. Don't let go. Ever. I know you have watched him go in and out of the hospital your entire life and it has been really heart-breaking, but stand by his side through all of those times. He is your best friend at sixteen and will be until the day he leaves this Earth, and even after that. You will struggle with your depression over the next four years and you will think that you have endured the worst heartbreaks in that time and begin to close yourself off to the world around you except your best friend --Dad. Losing him, in fact, will be the worst pain you have ever felt. No matter how prepared you think you are, Amber, you will not be ready. That phone call at 8:48am on July 3rd, 2014 will bring your world crashing down. You will literally melt on the floor of your office and be forced to drive to his home hysterically, trying to see through your oceans of tears that pour from your deadened brown eyes. You will be blind sided and it will kill every fiber of genuine happiness you have in that silly little heart of yours. Now don't get me wrong, he is in a better place. We genuinely believe that, but it still is crippling.
    If I could give you some advice on this, now that it has been 8 months and I can be somewhat composed. Answer every phone call from now until he is gone. Cherish every forehead kiss he gives you --you are going to miss those most. Rub his swollen feet every chance you get, even if your hands get tired. Cherish every second you spend staring at the stars together, and bask in the joy he gets from learning about the constellations. Play your violin for him as often as you can, trust me, you won't be able to bring yourself to pick it up when he is gone. He really does love to hear you play, he isn't just saying that. It will simply gather dust, and for now that is okay, until you find another muse. On that dreadful day, stop completely at the stop sign on East Stockton Blvd. The police officer is not understanding of the reason you are racing home and the ticket is expensive. In the days following remember that it is okay to be broken. You are still broken, you have just learned to hide it from everyone else. It is okay to be angry. It is okay to feel lost. It is not okay to try and leave this world. It is not okay to be selfish. Remember that you will always be his darling. Always.

You must stay strong. You will get through it.