The Love Behind my Life

     After what has been seemingly the longest month of my existence, my little brother has returned home from Newport. Now, I don't expect anyone to understand the complexity that our relationship holds, for it is one that is laced with a multifaceted array of emotions. In the end, this blossoming friendship can be encompassed by one word: love. 

     Around no one else am I able to completely be myself. He inspires so much livelihood in me, that I find myself constantly giggling through our wrestling matches and openly wailing along to the most ridiculous of songs. Moments with him encompass such a unique euphoria that I cannot even adequately capture in words how meaningful this boy is in my life.

      Especially on days where I question if I am even loved at all, this red-headed menace ensures that I know just how much he cares. It is in the simplest of indicators that I find his love. The random text messages making sure I am feeling okay. The constant invitation to scale some rocks. The way he openly tosses around a threat to the life of anyone who hurts me --even though I have seem twigs in the field next to my house with more mass than his arms. He loves me. I love him. It is simple.

     Let me give you a little back ground. Nine days before five year old Amber Mann found out she was going to be a big sister, she wrote a story in her kindergarten scribble about finding a genie and wishing for a little sister. Well, that genie had other plans and blessed my life with Nathan Andrew Mann. However, it wasn't all adoration from the beginning; I hated that pooping, crying, attention stealing baby more than anything. I refused to accept that I could harbor any positive feeling towards him until he grew older and I learned what it meant to be an older sibling.

     It was my job to protect him from the world. To ensure that he did not see the things Ashley and I saw. It was our job together to help raise Nathan while our mom worked overtime to make sure we did not know what struggle was. It was my job to show him what love was, to teach him how to treat girls (we are still working on this one ;) ). It was my job to be an example to him, to provide him with footsteps to follow if he ever got lost. But most of all, it was and still is my job to unconditionally stand by his side through every hard time we have and will face -- pouring out my heart when he needs to hear it, opening welcoming arms when he needs a hug, providing a listening ear with promise to refrain on judgement. But I think more than I have touched his life, he has rearranged mine entirely. He has taught me so much more than I think he will ever realize, and for that I am eternally grateful. There are many days when he is the only reason I cling onto this existence. When it would be easier to just vanish, I remember his goofy personality and realize just how selfish a premature exit would be. I have found my meaning in life and it is simply to love this young padawan. I was made to bring as much happiness as I can into his already elated life. My heart breaks as I come to realize that I can no longer protect him from the cruelty that lives in this world, but I know he has a stronger heart than I.

Nathan, you are my world. Without you I would simply cease to exist. I am sorry that I cannot be the perfect big sister my heart so deeply longs to be. I am sorry I cannot protect you from the hurt of this life. I wish I could take all of your pain away. I am sorry you have had to see your dad waste away before your eyes, and I am sorry I could not be stronger for you. I am deeply sorry you have to see me the way I currently am, just know that in time all wounds heal. I know that if I ever do leave this life while you still walk this Earth you will be just fine. For you are a strong, brave, handsome, resilient young man with more life in you than I have ever seen.

From the words of Winnie the Pooh:

“If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.”