Hey Dad, It's me

Hey Dad,

It's me, Amber. Your princess, your baby girl, your wild thang...your biggest fan. I find myself alone tonight stuck in replays of our memories, stuck in longing for moments where you were just a call or drive away, stuck in moments where you were simply here. Tonight is a night where everyone is out celebrating and ringing in a new year with excitement for all the things to come but I am drowning under the weight that a new year holds. A new year --another year without you.

Over the last week I have been watching all of my friends relive 2018 through statuses, stories, and personal recollections and with all of my force I have been trying so hard not to relive this year, not even for one moment. This has been my toughest year yet, and I never thought I would have a tougher year than the year you passed. The truth is that I think this year was so tough because not only did my heart break into a thousand pieces but I didn't have you to help me put it back together. This year I faced my first real trial without you there to encourage me. Without your warm bed with a mountain of pillows offering me refuge from this world through naps. I know it seems silly but I loved taking naps in your bed while you watched TV when I would come to visit because I felt safe. I was an adult and my daddy's presence still made me feel safe enough that I could slip away from reality even if only through my dreams. You never minded and you never made me feel guilty for napping when I was supposed to be cleaning or doing homework or rubbing your sore feet. You would simply say, "You were tired!" This year I felt my heart break again, the last time it broke like this was when you left this earth and I guess, somehow, between 2014 and 2018 my heart became whole enough again to be able to be shattered into a million pieces once more. It's funny that I didn't even really notice my heart become whole again, but I guess you never feel the repair and strongly as you feel the damage. I know that is what life is about, the repair. And I promise, Dad, that I am going to spend more of my energy focusing on the repair while it's happening instead of the damage that has already been done.

One year ago today I was okay, I remember sharing with West that I felt better than I had in a couple of years and that 2018 was going to my year of growth and the year I conquer my depression! I remember saying that I finally had come to terms with your death and was ready to start healing, truly healing. And now here I am tonight battling my depressive thoughts harder than I ever have. They're right when they say grief comes and goes in waves, because this wave hit me like I was a tourist taking a selfie on the beach and I didn't bring a change of clothes. The sad thing is that I can't even really remember details of this year because I look back and it is a dark cloud of what used to be and never will be again. Don't get me wrong, everything that happened this year is for the better. I am free of the toxicity that was my marriage and have learned that sometimes no matter how much two people love each other they are not a good match. But Dad, just like your death, it is just a reminder of the cruel impermanence of this world. One day you are okay and life is normal and then like a tidal wave crashing in, you are sopping wet with despair and confusion. I know there is always a way to walk farther away from the shore and dry off and then you turn around and look at the beautiful view that life really is, but damn do those waves suck when your in them! All I want is to be able to dance in the waves and feel joy in the moment, even if I forgot a change of clothes. Maybe this all sounds ridiculous to you because you have made it, you are right there with God and you are experiencing immeasurable joy. You are looking down at me and giggling knowing that one day I will see that these things are all part of a grander landscape that I simply cannot visualize, but for right now I feel stuck and longing for your laughter to help me through.

Dad, I loved him. I really did. and now as I sit here today I am filled with a hatred in my heart that I do not want nor understand how to handle. I have never had this type of feeling in my heart and it is so far away from who I am at my core that I do not know how to handle it. It is all so confusing, so frustrating, and I am exhausted. The worst part is that I am so much happier, even today, than I have been over the last 4 years but for some reason my brain is choosing to focus solely on the damage and not the repair. Truly the events of this year have led me to my future and that future is bright and full of unconditional love and a partnership that I never thought could even exist, but I cannot deny the pain my heart is feeling as I remember a year of heartache.

If you were here I know you would tell me how proud of me you are. What baffles me is that every aspect of my life today is one hundred  percent different than it was when you were here. I am not even close to the same person I used to be, thank the good Lord for his grace and redemption! I have a career now, and I am so good at it! I love animals.. I know! hard to believe! I even have three of my own animals, even a lizard! Can you believe it!? You would love Elliott, she is pretty cool! Kimbra and Odin are the highlight of my days, every day. Odin's world spins for me and Kimbra, well Kimbra is a giant goof. You would be so proud of how hard I work and how passionate I am about what I do! (I know you'd be saying that you aren't surprised because I have always put my all into whatever I am doing, but this time it is different. This time it is right. This time it is truly my calling.) I finally went back to school. I haven't since you died because I let my depression win and cause me to build a laziness within me when I am not at work that did not allow me to devote myself to school, but I am conquering this and I am doing well! And despite my heartache, you would be proud of how I handled my divorce. I have handled it with grace, if I do say so myself, even in times where anger and malice would have been warranted. You would be so proud of how mindful I am growing to be. You would be proud of my heart and my desire to help my fellow man. You would be proud of how serious and genuine I am when I ask my cashier's how they are doing, and Dad, that is something I have learned from you. You would be so proud of the friends I have. The Helmers are truly a gift from God to me. They love me so unconditionally and they are the family I get to choose to love back unconditionally every day! Most importantly, you would be proud that I started going back to church and this time I have truly began to posture my heart to Christ in a way I never have. I miss you so much tonight that it physically hurts, but I know that you would want me to be okay and you would want me to keep finding purpose in my life.

More than anything Dad, I want to tell you about Zach. Do you remember me talking about my coworkers at titan? He was the one I made fun of the most... Well, I am for sure going to marry him one day. Despite the gloom that hovers over this year, I cannot be completely sad because this year also brought him back into my life and with a purpose. He is so good, Dad. He treats me like a queen, but he also doesn't take my crap. He understands me, he truly listens to me and lets me explain my literal yet sometimes irrational brain. He never assumes the worst about me and always gives me the benefit of the doubt even when I don't deserve it. He is quick to forgive and so eager to love with all that he is. He is good to me and good to others, and best of all loves it when I sing almost as much as you did! One day you'll meet him, and on that day I know you will shake his hand and thank him for taking care of your baby girl in a way that no one else was capable of.

I guess I just needed to write you a letter to feel a little closer to you today, as irrational as that may be. But Daddy, if there is a way you are reading this from heaven I want you to know that I will be okay. I love you. I miss you every day. I am thankful for your generous heart that I have been able to inherit and I am so thankful for the love you showed me that I get to reminisce on in these moments of sadness. I know 2019 will be a better year and I am going into it reflecting on one of the versus you had highlighted in your bible I got you for father's day four and a half years ago.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." -2 Corinthians 5:17

Hugs. Squeezers. Kisses.

Unshakable Love

Eyes that hold beauty equivalent to a thousand constellations,
the foresight of future generations.
Stare into mine with a love that exudes dedication,
I’ll gaze back with pure elation.

This heart so magnificent, so authentic, so amiable.
To love and be loved in a way that’s unconditional.
A truth, a rawness that’s simply reliable,
Day in and out, adoration undeniable.

Accidentally in Love and met with blissful peace.
Transparency and truth flow with ease,
Reciprocity and empathy never cease.
Unconditional love -the unshakable centerpiece.

Contrite

I can love you more with each day that passes,
But I’ll hurt you with each day too.
Maybe fleeing would save you time
A departure wrought with the desire to protect you.
A dichotomy of love and pain,
I’ll heal then rip you open.
A perplexing precipice of discomfort,
I can’t take back the words unspoken.
Incapable of guarding your heart completely,
For I am it’s greatest foe.
Secrecy to guard the apotheosis,
Destroying the pedestal with each new thing you know.

Please forgive me of my trespasses,
The old ones and the new.
For when I look back as I walk,
Know my favorite sight will be you.
I only wish to keep you safe,
From my demons that live inside.
For yours is the only heart I care to guard,
Failure because I didn’t confide.
Your future is auspicious, paved with stones of promise
The journey you walk will be bright.
I’ll stand and admire your growth from a distance,
Just know that my heart is contrite.

Mightier than the storm within me

I’m drowning, my head won’t stay afloat.
I crave reprieve from my own mind,
A toxic wasteland of emotion.
A never ceasing desolation, no hope do I find.

Today the weight of this world may be too much to bare,
My arms are tired and my heart is exhausted.
I want to rest, to find peace.
I am afraid I felt too much and now I’ve simply lost it.

Take this heart, Lord and fill it with your love.
Remind me to live to share your heart with man.
I beg for peace and understanding
God you are mightier than the storm within me, I praise you with all that I am.

“Now is as good of a time as any”

Words that reverberate with a clarity more profound and true. 

A cycle of settlement, resentment on repeat

—An idea lost in you. 

They soon will recede

You can’t swallow this heart in your obscuration,
Thoughts crash in but they soon will recede.
Tides may rise and the skies darken still,
But fear you will lose your grip on me.

Through ridiculous love and adoration
My heart will be kept afloat.
You can’t swallow this heart in your obscuration
For my God has called it his own.

A thousand pieces

How many times can the same heart break before it stops beating?
If only you knew the weight you held.
You could put it back together like a thousand puzzle pieces.
Instead I just allow history to keep repeating.

I’ll never understand why I can’t close the door to my heart,
Even when the storm is raging outside.
Open door policy, let the rain flood the halls.
Even if in the end the storm tears the house apart.

September 27th

Some days the numbness wins. I am alive but I am not living. I yearn for this emptiness to be filled. I yearn to be understood. I yearn for a connection so deep and intimate that boredom never arises in my soul. Alas, the timing can not be right...you cannot be. Some days I am completely apathetic to existence and I yearn to be awakened from the seemingly never ending sleep paralysis that is said apathy.  I have yearned for a soul that touches mine gently yet strong enough that it is undeniable that that soul is filled with a passion for the heart of humanity, and able to be passionate for my heart. Still in this moment my fear of the impending apathy will close this heart for maintenance until god can form granulation tissue over it’s wounds. I yearn for a reason to be drawn from this dispondent state, but I need that reason to be my loving God.

Above all else, I yearn to be alive and truly live, simultaneously.

To love as you love

I hunger for a heart that pumps unconditional love, mirroring the love you give me so freely. 

A love that is patient, and kind in all things, Lord, I’m eager to see your people clearly. 

Give me your eyes and your heart for mankind, help me to not envy nor boast. 

Loving you fiercely and mirroring your heart, I long to be fully engrossed. 

Rid my heart of the pride I carry, allow me to yield without second guessing. 

An extension of your perfect grace, to all that I meet allow me to be a blessing. 

Strip me of my carnal self, to not dishonor you or others,

Break my habits that you deem self seeking, only eager to love my sisters and brothers. 

Give me peace to refrain from anger, meekly understanding all things

To truly forgive even when it takes effort, to love fiercely in all that life brings. 

Help me to protect my fellow man, guard their hearts as you guard mine;

Give me your heart to trust, hope and persevere, letting your unshakable love shine. 

Peace Prevails. Fear Fades.

Clarity breaks through and peace arises,
It is cloaked in shades of blues, greens, and golds.
Formulated through moments of deep reflection,
ready to humbly watch my future unfold.

Fear does not own me, it has not won.
Tomorrow’s sun rises on a newly refined soul.
To see the world through eyes laced with kindness,
kindness that helped make a heart freshly whole.

Still in the small times

It’s the small times,

the seconds that float by in-between the moments. 

They breathe impartial clarity. 

In those brief thresholds of existing in every moment

as they come,

I am offered a reflection of who I yearn to be. 

With an equitable evaluation of what has been 

and what’s projected, 

I yearn to embrace tomorrow unequivocally. 

Yet still in those small times, 

the seconds that float by in-between the moments,

I am finding I miss you endlessly. 

The Truth is

Today is a thought-filled Monday. Today is a day that I just need to sit down and write out all of my feelings, for personal clarity above all else. I am entering into one of the most pivotal weeks of my young adult life, I am both afraid and heartbroken but desperately wanting to seek growth through this. I ask for prayers of strength and unshakable faith that there is a plan and that I will arise from this a stronger, more compassionate, and more aware human being. You may not know, but Westley and I are going through a divorce. My heart is broken for us, not just me but Westley as well as I know this decision was not an easy one for him to make. Westley is seeking growth in his own life and is eager to chase a dream and an idea of himself that our relationship unintentionally pressured him to stifle, I can do nothing but appreciate his dedication to himself and wish the best for him. There is no room for anger in my heart, there is no place for thoughts of malice for I have loved him with my entire being and that will never be changed. I truly do not believe in grudges or that it is possible to stop loving someone, at least that is not how my heart works. I am eager to love other humans and my love is not a pie chart, it grows indefinitely. Westley has had the largest part of my heart for quite some time now and though I am devastated that our book together is coming to a close, I am trying to appreciate it for what it is and be honest with myself. Although the decision for a divorce was one that Westley made, I would be dishonest with myself if I said that I do not hold some weight in this, for I have not been as patient with him as I should have been over the years and I have made many mistakes in our relationship. I know that relationships are not perfect and I am learning and growing daily, the sad truth is that as West and I are growing and learning to understand each other better with each day that passes, and while this has energized me and made me feel closer to him, to him it showed that he has not quite found himself and feels he needs to grow individually before he can partner in life with another soul. My love for him is endless and unconditional and though we are going to be apart my prayers will always be for his growth and favor. I want to own my shortcomings and take responsibility for the times I was not a loving wife and through accepting this my hope is to grow into a better human filled with more compassion than I ever thought possible.

Westley is embarking on a journey to live with his parents in Indiana. He leaves in 3 days and with him he will be taking a piece of my heart. The truth is that I am not certain I know how to live a life without him by my side. He truly is my best friend and the only soul that I can spill my heart to. The truth is that I am terrified of how lonely I am going to be without him. The truth is that I wish this wasn't happening, but resistance is not going to make this process any easier. With him leaving this has all become real, and it is almost too much to handle. Sometimes our life does not play out the way we thought it was going to and that is so terrifying, especially when you have no clue where it is going to go next. In one day my whole life changed and with that my "plans" for the future vanished. The unknown is the scariest part of living this life, and I am having to face it head on. I guess what I am so scared of is that my dream of having a family and being a mom is disappearing before my eyes. Everyone keeps telling me that it will all be okay, that I am only 24 and that I have so much life ahead of me. I know this to be true, I really do, but it does not make this process any easier. Divorce is never easy, but when one person does not want divorce and the other does, at 24 it shifts your prospective of unconditional love. It makes you scared for what the future holds because you thought you had it all and in one day the veil was lifted, It hurts your trust no matter how hard you fight to not let your trust be damaged. The truth is that I feel broken and lost and very alone.

Now, I know I have so many people surrounding me who love me and I know that I have been the distant one with all of those people through this. I am not sure why it has been so hard on me to lean on those around me, but it seems impossible right now. Please forgive me friends for seeking shelter in solitude at the moment. I am lonely, but for some reason company only makes me feel lonelier and that is so confusing and frustrating. I think it is because everyone knows me as the strong, determined, never wavering woman that I have always been, the woman who does not let life's challenges defeat her. But I am feeling very defeated and I do not know how to handle this emotion for it is unfamiliar to me. I desperately want to be okay for everyone else in my life, but the truth is that I am so far from okay, but right now I think I need to not be okay...just for a little bit. I am not used to being broken around other people, I feel guilty when I allow my emotions to effect the lives of those I love, but right now I cannot help my emotions from surfacing for I am shattered. The truth is that I don't want to talk about how sad I am with others, I just want to be sad and I want that to be okay for right now. The strange thing is that I am seeking friendship with people who do not know me well because to me it is refreshing. I have started going to a new church where no one knows me, no one knows anything about me so I can have superficial companionship and seek God because that is all my heart craves right now. I think my heart is too raw for anything other than human connection at it's basic level. Please forgive me friends for being distant, and thank you all for the continued love you have all poured into me. Your kind words and messages of support have not gone unnoticed and I do really appreciate them even if I am not able to formulate appropriate heart felt responses at the moment. I do not want them to stop for they really do warm my heart and bring me joy in those moments to know that I have friends and family who love me. I just ask for patience in this time and understanding that I may not be able to reach out to you, even if t is what I need to do right now because I am deeply hurting and unbelievably lonely. Please understand that I am struggling, and although I am not reaching out to any of you that it means more than you will ever know to have you reach out to me without the expectation of explanation or deep connection. The truth is that my depression and anxiety are winning right now, and though they will never conquer me, I am struggling to keep my head afloat, but am not able to reach out to others due to the numbness towards human connection that accompany depression and anxiety.

As this week starts I am so scared to say goodbye to my husband, to half my heart, to the future I had held so dear in my dreams. But I refuse to allow this to break me for I believe in a god that works in all things. I have to believe in him right now, I simply have no other option.

Sweetly Broken, or Longing to be

When I lift my hands to praise you, Lord, do you see the stains they carry?
I’ve turned my face from you, God, my faith it has grown weary.

Unable to seek you in times of loss; pain kept me from seeking your heart.
My God of love, mercy, and comfort, but my God I tried to outsmart.

Lord, I come to you now standing sweetly broken beneath this mountain.
Help me to have faith in you, God, Humility without my doubting.

For if this mountain you do not move, there is undoubtedly a reason.
Help me to trust in you blindly, Lord, through all of life’s seasons.

Humble me to seek your love and rest in your perfect timing.
I give my heart to you, dear God, solely for your perfect refining.

Learning to Live Without Air

Missing you is like missing air as I try to breathe in and out. 

Suffocating under the weight of a heart that used to be whole. 

An extension of myself, the only soul to know my mind. 

The most unfortunate of situations, the lack of oxygen never takes it’s toll. 

I only learn to adapt to a life without air. 

Mountain Vs. Melody

Sitting inside our rowboat, together side by side
A common goal, a destination, we'll reach it despite high tides.
In the distance I see mountains, deep hues of blue and green.
An oar for each of us to use, so much beauty yet to be seen.

We weren't prepared for the current, our ship moved by the undertow,
The only thing that could be done was look ahead and continue to row.
Steadfast eyes focused on the mountains, such a beautiful sight to see.
All will be well when we get there, we'll be together and we'll be free.

You fell asleep in our small row boat just as a rock appeared in our way.
"Fret not my sweet love," I whispered, "I won't let us go astray."
I chart another course, still headed for the great beauty.
I rowed on while you slept, watching with love as you dreamt beside me.

I fear my course was wrong, my heart grew heavy as my arms grew tired,
"Please wake up my sweet love," I plead, "for I need to be inspired."
Never did I resent you for escaping to your dreams,
I kept rowing because the mountains could still be seen.

I truly thought you'd wake up rested, ready to row beside my heart.
Alas you woke up startled and shaken, while you were dreaming we drifted apart,

You awoke confused and angry, feeling a genuine lack of control.

While in your slumber you dreamt of a different place, one where a melody sings to your soul. 

Alarmed that I did not keep the course we had mapped out at the start.
But the rock had forced me to rework our course, "It was all for us." I try to impart.
"I had to keep rowing to keep us afloat." My words fell on ears already occupied.
You jump ship to chase your dream, leaving me in the boat where my own dreams only died.

Maybe had I dreamt alongside you the tide would have carried us safely home,
for now the mountain seems much less appealing when you are forced to reach it on your own.
Blues and greens now tinted gray with the memories yet to be made,
We would have made it safely there if only you had stayed.

I wish I could hear the melody that stole your heart from me as you slept,
It must have been truly beautiful, for all of you it did intercept.
Had I known our journey would take this turn, a fitting harmony I would have created.
Maybe then you would be proud of me, my endless support only leaving you elated.

Or was the melody ever-present, lulling you into happiness each time you closed your eyes.
Did it trap your heart in those dreams and while awake you told your own heart lies.
Maybe in the middle of the ocean, in a row boat built for you and I,
Your heart made it's final decision, it no longer wanted to lie.

I wish you joy and I wish you peace, I hope your heart is filled with song,
I'll keep listening for all my days for if I hear what you heard, maybe I'll know just where I went wrong.

Cyborg

I don’t know how to make this burning feeling in my chest go away. I fear I have cried all the tears my body will allow and now my body has found another way to react to these raw emotions. My heart is so confused, my feelings are so hurt, who I am seems to have been shattered and I do not know how to begin to be normal again. I can’t tell if this feeling in my chest is emptiness or pressure, it’s a strange feeling, a physical manifestation of loss.

I wish I could sleep. I wish I could sit in quiet and not think of you or what I would have been doing in this exact moment were you still here, but I wish you peace. My whole life seems to have changed overnight and I can’t find my footing to stand back up. Will I ever be myself again or am I a new me? I’m not sure I like the new me, if that’s the case.  I feel lost and alone and like I have absolutely no answers. I don’t know how to talk to people about what my heart is feeling and my head is thinking, all I know how to do is hide behind this computer screen and my journals. God, is this lonely.  I thought I had a plan for my life. We talked about starting a family one day, and now that vision is one that pains me to ponder. I miss you. I miss my best friend. Mostly, I miss what I thought we were. We were growing, but growing together because that’s what it means to grow old with someone.

I wish I could tell you these things, and have it matter. I wish you understood my heart. I wish I could stop missing you quickly, but I worry I may never stop missing you at all. It’s strange how one person can be so madly in love and the other be so great at pretending. It’s almost inconceivable to me that one person can be so honest (too honest you would say) and the other be so skilled at hiding their feelings. I wish you would have been more open and I wish I would have listened to the words you weren’t saying. Sometimes the things that aren’t said are more important than the things that are.

I wish I could be the cyborg you think I am, maybe then this wouldn’t hurt so badly.

Who I am today is not who I want to be

Hidden behind the emoji smiles and “Lol” texts
Is it a lie if my heart wants to believe it?
Is it pretending if I want it to be true?
Wishing I was as happy as that smiley face I just sent to you.
Alas my brain stutters, shuffling through the long list of regrets.

How many lies can fit in those red heart eyes?
Enough to fill the void that I am so dangerously close to falling in.
Or am I the void intrinsically?
Lying to escape who I am, who I was, what I define as me.
Just looking to escape actual reality, though you see smiles my heart just cries.

Hidden behind the screens, what plays out on the inside
It’s for only my heart to see.
The hurt, the longing for what once was, the sorrow
Hoping for just one yesterday to borrow.
But today I’ll send “I’m doing fine” and allow the inside to hide.

Is there an emoji for “I literally cannot breathe”
How about one for “who I was yesterday is not who I am today”
What if I sent one that captured, “I don’t know how to be me without you”
Unfortunately those words are just too long overdue.
Into the numbness I allow myself to concede.

“Im doing well, and yourself” accompanied by a smiley face emoji.
The strong are never as strong as they want you to see.

Welcome home

I never thought I would wish that I could simplify my brain. After all, I have always said that I was not blessed with talents for I was blessed with a beautiful brain. To some that may sound conceited, truly it is a pride that I have found in my intellectual nature. This intellect has pushed me away from many, it has caused me to be an outsider and to feel alone in this journey, but what is art if you don’t struggle for it.

Art. My thought patterns they are works of art. The world that plays out in front of my eyes, plays a film filled with innovation, insight, but mostly longing to understand and be understood. I guess that’s the struggle artists face too, they want their works to be understood. To impact someone in such a way that they are two people —before understanding said work of art and after. Not always is it a positive response that art ilicits, but at least it is always honest.

Will my brain ever be someone’s work of art? Will it’s true nature and intended messages be understood. I feel like I’m a piece in the art gallery that people look at for a brief moment but the compexity steers them elsewhere. On to simpler art. Easier to understand and relate to art. On to art that makes sense and does not address the dark parts of life. Art that is comfortable. I’d give anything to make you comfortable.