Dear Nathan,
You
broke my heart today, shattered it really. It took me several moments to
compose myself enough to even respond to your texts. I am trying so hard to be
the best big sister I can, I am trying to be strong for you, but sometimes my
heart is too heavy for me to hold myself up let alone my little man. I can
imagine the amount of pain you are feeling, I am feeling it too. The grief
comes in waves really, and today it hit you. I am so sorry for that. I know how
overwhelming the tsunami of emotions can be, and I know exactly how it feels to
try and stay afloat simply because others are watching. You sent me the words,
“I think we switched personalities today Sissy, I am the sad one today. I miss
Dad.” My heart crumbled and fell onto my desk along with my pathetic tears.
My
first reaction was sadness for you. I love you more than anything on this whole
planet and knowing that you are hurting tears me apart. I want to take all of
it away, but I know that I never could. I see how strong you are trying to be
for everyone around you, especially me. You are so incredibly mature beyond your age, and
it causes me great anxiety seeing your innocence being pulled out of your grasp
so unfairly. I am sorry you have had to grow up so fast. I wish more than
anything that the hurts of life, love, and loss didn’t have to affect you in
your adolescence. I know the hurt that comes with knowing Daddy is gone, and it
just plain sucks! The only solace I can offer is in my big sister hugs, and the
promises to stand next to you through everything. It will never be easy. We
will always miss him, ALWAYS. I know that there are days that are better than
others, and I know the days that are less than pleasant feel like you are
drowning with no chance of ever reaching the surface again. It is intense. To
lose someone so paramount in your life is intense. But, aren’t we lucky to have
someone who meant so much to us that losing him wrecks our entire being? Aren’t
we lucky that we had someone who so vastly impacted who we are as people, who showed us
so much love, and who makes saying goodbye so hard? I am sorry you’re
struggling with this cruel reality that has come to be life, just know that I
am always here for you. I will never leave you or even downplay the feelings
you are having. I love you.
After all of those thoughts rushed through my brain, I became sad for an entirely different reason. It wasn't about missing Dad, or hurting because you are in pain. Rather, I was upset that I became "the sad one." I am sorry that I have not been the best at being happy, this is not the example you should have to look up to. I want you to know that despite the depression, the anxiety, and the hurt, I do love life. I have things that make me very happy, and sometimes I forget entirely what it feels like to be depressed. There are days where I can't get enough of the thrills of life. Granted, these days have fallen to be fewer and farther between, they still exist. Life is an adventure! It is meant to be intense. Being passionate about life comes with the ups and downs, and I wouldn't change that. EVER. I have loved. I have lost. I have cried many tears. I have laughed many laughs. I have had my heart shattered, and I have shattered others. I have achieved many things, and fallen short. I have known what it feels like to feel life, I mean really feel it. What fun would this adventure be if we didn't dive into it 100%? With a complete submersion in the adventure of life comes an array of feelings and emotions, and I gladly accept them. I am truly sorry that you have had to see, and wipe away, the tears that have fallen from my eyes. I am sorry that you have had to hear the rumors spread about me, and the pain you must feel living all of the sadness you have had the last couple months over again. Just know, that I do find happiness in life. I would never leave you or this world. Promise me that you will never forget that life is invigorating! It can be oh so exhausting, but the joy is worth every tired moment. I love your silly ginger head <3
