Mad in Love

If Westley knew I was about to post this, he would hang me by my feet from the bedroom ceiling... Alas, I am going to risk it and bring the thoughts in my mind out through the keyboard in front of me.

Lately, we have been dealing with a lot in our relationship. Not between us, everything between us is perfect and I couldn't be happier, but outside influences have been adding some extra complexities. My health has been a bit rocky, and outside people have also been contributing to the stress. I just want to outwardly express how grateful I am to have Westley by my side through everything. I have learned what unconditional love truly means, and have been so blessed to experience it.

Thank you Westley for reminding me of who I am when I forget. Thank you for making me want to be a better person. Thank you for holding my hand through my crippling depression and providing me the strength to stand on days where I only want to fall down. Thank you for my private concerts that stop my anxiety attacks when I can't take my medication. You may never know just how much those songs mean to me, just how much you mean to me, or even just how happy I am to call you mine. I love you and am sorry for posting this :P

Lately when I am feeling anxious and scared about life Westley grabs his guitar and plays for me. I have this video on my phone to serve as a reminder that I am loved when I am away from him and panicking. (Don't kill me West.)

Hugs, Squeezers, Kisses, Westley.
I love you, Sweetie!

A Case of the Mondays

    Ever have one of those Mondays where everything goes right? Where you are excited as heck to jump out of bed, kiss your significant other goodbye, and rush off to work gleefully whistling like a bird the whole way? .....Yeah me neither.

     Lately it seems as if my Mondays are approaching too quickly and I am increasingly exhausted with adult life. Why is that? Maybe I am not getting enough sleep. Maybe I am still figuring out who I am. Maybe I work too much. Or maybe I just need to change my perspective of things --I am leaning towards the latter.

     So, today is the day I decide to put on those rose colored glasses, even if only for a few moments a day, and observe the world through a new set of eyes. I decided that beauty is in all walks of life. It can be felt, seen, touched, and experienced daily. The only problem is that as human beings we rarely stop to notice it. I am so guilty of this, I get so worked up in my day to day life that I rarely ever stop to see just how amazing the world around me is. Well today I have endeavored to begin a new journey, an adventure in seeking beauty, really breathing it in and letting it affect me at my core. I have made it my goal to notice something abnormally beautiful daily and write it in my journal. Those observations I find exceptionally noteworthy I shall write about, because why not?!?

The world could use a bit more rose colored glasses placed on the noses of its beholders...don't you think?

For today, the beauty I found is derived from the following:

 

I want to encourage everybody who reads this, including myself, to remember that the struggle is part of the story. 

We all have a story, we all have a past.

We all have a history both grand and vast.

If hidden away and rejected as our own,

we may never fully reap what is sown. 

The trials, tribulations, and struggles we face

are there to shape us --they do have their place.

So worry not, because your soul is still forming,

its learning and changing, daily its growing.
Rest at ease, for a new day will arise,
simply let this struggle remain where it lies.
For in the end you will see that it changed you,
polished, perfect, and amazingly brand new. 

Dear Dad, Tell Me How

Dear Dad,
    Tell me how to be okay without you. Please. I need to know the secret to not missing you like crazy everyday. Tell me how to feel you here with me even though you are not any longer. Tell me how to not let this anxiety overtake my existence. Teach me how to have your resilience. Daddy, I am not done learning from you yet. I am not done growing into the woman that you would be proud of, but I need help. I can't do this alone.
     I don't want to be so terrified of the future, I don't want to have this fear any longer. Please tell me how to rid my life of it. I woke up today feeling anxious about the day ahead of me, the weeks ahead of me, the years. Sometimes it just hits me that I will face these multitude of days without hearing from you and that thought is paralyzing. When I lost you I told myself that I wouldn't date anyone new simply because they wouldn't have known the most pivotal man in my life, but I met someone new and I would give anything for you to know him. I am not as anxious about this as I thought I would be months ago, I think it is because I know you would love him. He has many of the qualities I loved about you. He is a selfless person, he is sweet, he would give me the shirt off of his back, if I needed it. He takes good care of me, and I know you would have fallen in love with him as quickly as I have. And yet, even with this knowledge, even with the clarity of mind that he would have your approval, I feel anxious. I feel anxious for no reason really, and because of that I feel crazy. I would give anything to have met him earlier simply so he could know you.
     I guess what scares me most is that my life is continuing on without you. I know that essentially this is a good thing. It is amazing that I have grown enough in the last nine months to build a life without you directly in it, but God, it is so terrifying. I am starting a new chapter in my life and you aren't here to observe it --that breaks me. I decided to take a night to myself tonight to just wallow. That's okay right? It's okay to just cry and to miss you, right? I know what you're thinking, "Amber, you shouldn't be alone. You should ask a friend to be there with you." But Daddy, I can't. I hate being weak in front of people and it hurts even more because the only person I want to be there with me is driving tanks and race cars in heaven. Tell me how to feel you near so I can get through this evening without you physically by my side. Tell me how to remember what your voice sounds like so I can hear you tell me you are proud of me. Tell me how to not miss you in such a crippling fashion.

Hugs, Squeezers, Kisses
See you soon.

The Music to my Madness

     It is mind blowing how quickly life can change, how pivotal one human being can be in the entire makeup of your day to day existence. You wake up in the morning with a vague idea of how our day is going to go, thinking you have your week planned, doubting any life altering occasions will be occurring. Then, BOOM!

You meet someone who changes everything.

     Its not that you were unhappy, because you weren't, you just had no idea you could be this happy. Everyday was the same, you woke up and went to your obligatory adult tasks. You got home, you studied, you went to sleep only to start the same routine the next day. You weren't unhappy, just comfortably content. You spent time wishing you could find something, or someone, who sparks a fire in you that can't be stifled. Enter stage right: Westley Rose.

     Meeting you was the luckiest coincidence of my life. I had no idea someone could have it all, but you do. You are literally the music to my madness, and I couldn't be happier. Yes, this blog is cheesey and mushy and oh so freaking adorable, but I needed to write down everything my brain is thinking:

1. Thank you for holding me when I am melting from a stressful day. 
2. Thank you for making me feel beautiful/adorable. 
3. Not a day goes by that you don't tell me I am wonderful, or that you are lucky to have me.
4. I love that I never have to question how you are feeling, you tell me. 
5. Thank you for being a gentleman. 
6. Thank you for coming to my front door on our first date. 
7. Thank you for walking me to my door afterwards.
8. Thank you for not trying to kiss me at said door. 
9. You are so respectful and sweet.
10. Thank you for all of the times you provide me with private concerts, even if you don't feel like playing or singing. 
11. Thank you for making me feel at home. 
12. I am so happy to love all of your friends and family, and to have that adoration reciprocated. 
13. Back massages and foot rubs. Need I say more?
14. You are so talented. Nothing fills me with more joy than watching you create, play, and live your music. 
15. Thank you for fighting away my nightmares. 
16. All of the coffee you make me.... I love you for this most. 
17. Thank you for listening to my venting about life and reminding me that everything will be okay. 
18. Thank you for supporting me in everything that I do.
19. Thank you for allowing me to support you. 
20. I love that you are proud of me, that you want me to meet the important people in your life. 
21. I love that you find joy in making me happy.
22. Thank you for introducing me to Brooklynne. 
23. And Scrubs. 
24. And da da da da da snootch!
25. I love our gentle head bumps.
26. Pinky promises that hold more weight that a legally binding document.
27. Forehead kisses that send me over the moon. 
28. Thank you for being weird and allowing me to be weird with you.
29. Thank you for reminding me of my worth and making me feel special.   

Westley Rose, I love you to pieces.

Breathe... Dammit!

     To be alive has two meanings, in my book. We are all alive in the sense of the word. We breathe in oxygen and release carbon dioxide. Our hearts --the involuntary cardiovascular muscle that symbolizes so much more than the pumping of blood and oxygen—beat without so much as a single thought. These actions are compulsory; they require no thought or even desire to be completed. Our bodies are alive with the breath of life so obligatory in nature that the choice to breathe, the choice to pump blood to every capillary in your tenement, is not even really a choice at all. One can only hold their breath for so long before your intellectual makeup as a mammal screams, “BREATHE DAMMIT!” Being alive in the simplest nature is instinctual, but being alive outside of the carnal sense is so much more. It is breathing in the world around you and holding it in, not for the desire to cut off the oxygen supply to your brain, but the desire to bring the world into who you are as an entity. It is living by your heart, not only because that is the center of your ability to exist, but the metaphorical heart we have all grown up indoctrinated to follow. Ever since we were children our parents, teachers, and friends, have all said those words –you know, the ones we let slip through our minds without ever really pondering what is being said. The words that are so copiously regurgitated unto us all.

“Follow your heart.”

     But what if you don’t know where your heart is going? What if it provides you with no direction or desires? What if it is simply just numb?
    
     How can I be alive when no part of my soul is living? C.S. Lewis once said, “You don’t have a soul, you are a soul—you have a body.” What does this mean for people like me? People who struggle every day to break through the impervious wall that is numbness; a numbness so heavy it breaks you down even more with every fleeting step. For I want nothing in this life, except to inspire joy in the life of others. I want nothing for myself, not that I can’t be selfish frequently, but because I just am. I just exist. That is all; nothing more nothing less. I just am. I have no desire to awake from my slumber most days; a slumber that allows me to dream of possibilities too emotional to address in real life. Maybe it is because being numb is easy –yeah that’s it, being numb is easy. Does this mean I am dead? Not actually living? Why does that thought not terrify me?
   
     Yet I continue to allow this fake smile to permeate my existence because I know it is better for those around, but inside I am breaking. 

    Death has a way of doing that to people, it simply just breaks you down to your core. Tonight I am drowning and I see the debris of who I used to be floating beside me. I try with all my might to use the pieces as a buoy, to simple stay above the water, but those broken pieces once again are my downfall. Life has this uncanny ability to toss curve balls in our paths. Some of them are amazing, like first kisses, or scholarships you weren't expecting. Some of them are God awful, like your family fighting over the belongings your dad left behind, and missing him incessantly. I guess it is all in the perspective we choose to have. I am trying so hard to look at the positive curve balls, the ones I am able to send soaring out of the park, but sometimes I am blind. 

    Tonight I just want to breathe, dammit! I want to be alive again. I want to stop missing you, Dad. I want to stop fighting with my siblings over what physical items you left here to remember you by. I want to do nothing but snuggle up on the couch and watch scrubs with the sweetest guy. I want to be myself, and lay all my depression and anxiety on the table so maybe I can actually deal with it. But for now, for this very second, I want to just breathe.

You Can't be Everyone's Darling - An Open Letter to Sixteen Year Old Amber

My Dearest Amber,

    And yes I mean that... despite what you may think over the next few years you are a very dear soul. Never forget that! Life is going to throw some serious curve-balls at you in the next 4 years, but I promise you that you can handle it all. It will hurt, you will feel alone, you will feel used, you will feel rejected, and you will want to leave this planet weekly, (you sometimes still do) but I can reassure you that there are so many great things to come and reasons to stick around! You just have to remember to find the positive things in life to focus on, and when you are thinking you hate everything and everyone just remember that you are never alone, depression is conquerable one day at a time. Your secret is: 

Making other people happy brings you immense joy. Make 3 new people smile everyday and you will get through your depression day by day.

    Your emotions rule so much of your life, and despite thinking that it is just teenage hormones, it is actually just you. You are emotional. It is both a curse and an astounding blessing to feel everything so deeply. How lucky are you to have such a passion inside that allows you to view the world the way you do. You love everyone, and I quite literally mean everyone. You are the kind of person to make the waitress' day or cause the late night shift of the cashier to not be so dull. That is a gift. You feel people on a very intimate level. You have a gift to read people and see how they are feeling and find the good in everyone you meet. This is a blessing. Two weeks ago for you, four years and two weeks ago for me, Mom was asked to share with the entire Young Women's group at a church banquet what your greatest talent was. While other moms were discussing their daughter's musical gifts and amazing art capabilities you sat beating yourself up inside because you had no talents for your mom to share. Sure... you like music and you paint, but nothing spectacular... Then it was Mom's turn to go and you felt your stomach drop and the embarrassment begin to well up inside you, but what she said surprised you. She had found a talent that you had never truly thought of. She shared with the room that your talent was the gift of giving. She shared how proud she was to say that you were the kind of girl who wants to help everyone and anyone she can. She told a story about the homeless man that brought you to tears, and your love of charity. You never realized that enjoying making people feel good was a talent, but Mommy did. You have held onto that moment tightly to this day, and remember it so vividly that you can picture it in your mind's eye. This will come with much hurt, though. You will feel like you are constantly putting more effort into relationships. You will have a hard time understanding why other people are so judgmental and rude. You will judge yourself harshly when you are judgmental and rude. And you will have your heart broken, many, many, many times because you are so ready to give it away. This talent really is a blessing, but you have to be careful. You must remember to not deliver second and third chances immediately. You must remember that some people do not want whats best for you. You must remember that at the end of the day you may not be everybody's darling.
    I know it is hard to hear that you will not be enough for some people, and I am sorry to have to tell you this, but you will lose friendships and the interest of boys simply because you are not right for them. Remember, that is okay! This doesn't mean you are not a catch, because you are! You are pretty, and funny, and sweet, and ambitious! Not everyone is going to love you. Try to not beat yourself up about this, nor close your heart off. It is important that you do not let other people's hurting you affect the potential for future relationships. There will also be people whose hearts you break and you will feel terrible, but you have to remember that not everybody is meant to be. You cannot fix people, and you cannot let people try to fix you. The beauty of life is in individuality, and not everybody is going to value everything you bring to the table...this is okay!
    Right now you are finally allowed to date, how exciting is that! Don't do it. Let me reiterate that: DO NOT GIVE YOUR HEART AWAY AT SIXTEEN! Just because Mom and Kimball say it is okay for you to go out with boys now does not mean you need to or should. I know, it is so exciting... but all of your church leaders are right when they say you should only casually date and not have boyfriends. High school relationships are silly and will hurt you --scratch that even past high school you will get hurt. Actually as far as twenty year old you is concerned you don't need boys at all at this stage of your life! 25 sounds like a great time to start dating, go for that. Why rush? Work on loving yourself because, girlfriend, you are gonna need it. At the end of the day you are left with your own mind, and if your own mind is a toxic and self deprecating place you are never going to be happy. How can you make anyone else happy when you are stuck in a pit of self loathing. This is something you just learned today, the inspiration for this letter. You are worth so much, so much more than even 24 hour ago you realized. Do not settle for anything less than happiness. You have such a vibrant spirit and a loving heart. You are going to make somebody very happy someday and there is no need to rush that. Take your time, have an adventure, and learn to love you for all the amazing attributes you have! Remember, you are not a parking spot. You are not a temporary holding place for people to figure out exactly how they want you in their lives. Always be a positive influence on the lives you are lucky enough to be welcomed into. Leave everything you come into better than you found it!
    Lastly, go hug Dad. Don't let go. Ever. I know you have watched him go in and out of the hospital your entire life and it has been really heart-breaking, but stand by his side through all of those times. He is your best friend at sixteen and will be until the day he leaves this Earth, and even after that. You will struggle with your depression over the next four years and you will think that you have endured the worst heartbreaks in that time and begin to close yourself off to the world around you except your best friend --Dad. Losing him, in fact, will be the worst pain you have ever felt. No matter how prepared you think you are, Amber, you will not be ready. That phone call at 8:48am on July 3rd, 2014 will bring your world crashing down. You will literally melt on the floor of your office and be forced to drive to his home hysterically, trying to see through your oceans of tears that pour from your deadened brown eyes. You will be blind sided and it will kill every fiber of genuine happiness you have in that silly little heart of yours. Now don't get me wrong, he is in a better place. We genuinely believe that, but it still is crippling.
    If I could give you some advice on this, now that it has been 8 months and I can be somewhat composed. Answer every phone call from now until he is gone. Cherish every forehead kiss he gives you --you are going to miss those most. Rub his swollen feet every chance you get, even if your hands get tired. Cherish every second you spend staring at the stars together, and bask in the joy he gets from learning about the constellations. Play your violin for him as often as you can, trust me, you won't be able to bring yourself to pick it up when he is gone. He really does love to hear you play, he isn't just saying that. It will simply gather dust, and for now that is okay, until you find another muse. On that dreadful day, stop completely at the stop sign on East Stockton Blvd. The police officer is not understanding of the reason you are racing home and the ticket is expensive. In the days following remember that it is okay to be broken. You are still broken, you have just learned to hide it from everyone else. It is okay to be angry. It is okay to feel lost. It is not okay to try and leave this world. It is not okay to be selfish. Remember that you will always be his darling. Always.

You must stay strong. You will get through it.

  

Thank You for Being my Soul Mate

   If I have learned one thing in this life, it is that I don't have a soul. I am a soul, I have a body. The deep seeded emotions that seem to entirely control my existence are governed by this soul that I am so fortunate to call my own. I am growing to love who I am at the very core. I am learning to realize what my sensitivity means in way of being a friend, a lover, a contributor to society --and in all of this I am seeing just how valuable of an attribute it truly is. It has been quite the adventure discovering myself, and before I can pride myself in these accomplishments, I must pay gratitude where it is due. In this journey not only have I found myself, but I have found my soul mate.

Never did I know I'd find my soul mate in my best friend.

     

    I am not sure if 'find' is the appropriate word in this case, for you have been there all along. I grew up with the fairytale perspective of soul mates; the one in which there is a boy for every girl and love is this epic journey of falling ever so quickly into a perfect life together. I am here to tell you that that does not always happen. Your soul mate does not have to be a boy you fall in love with at first sight and live happily ever after with. For me, it is simple, my soul mate is the person who has stood by me through everything. The one who despite all of my less than intelligent life decisions, loves me unconditionally. My backbone when I seem to have lost mine, and my other half. Thank you, Emily, for being my soul mate. 

Thank you for listening to my boy drama

When I am confused, frustrated, hurt or otherwise needing you to listen about my usually dysfunctional love life, I know that you will be there. Even if its two in the morning, or you've heard the same story four hundred times. Thank you.

Thank you for being wierd

Let's be honest, I am probably one of the strangest individuals you will ever meet. It is so comforting to know that I have a best friend who not only doesn't judge me, but participates in my strange oddities along side me. Thank you for the weird voices, silly jokes, and running around like we're crazy.

Thank you for wiping my tears

Everyone that truly knows me knows how much I hate crying. You have become my outlet for all of these built up emotions to be let go. I can't express enough how thankful I am that I can be comfortable enough with you to be myself, tears and all. Thank you for not judging me when I make that stupid, ugly "I'm-crying-way-too-hard-to-control-my-face-muscles" face that I make when I cry. Thank you for letting my tears soak your t-shirts while you hug the sadness out of me. Thank you for keeping me sane.

Thank you for reminding me of my dad

Most people don't know how to deal with my mourning my father and in turn we all just avoid talking about it. Thank you for reminding me that it's okay to talk about the hard things in life. You are the first person to point something out and say something along the lines of, "Amber, your dad would have loved this." Thank you for recognizing how instrumental my father was (and still is) in my life, and not being scared to talk to me about him and the times we shared. Thank you for helping me grieve and reminding me that everything will be okay. 

Thank you for telling me I'm worth something

It is no secret that I am insecure to a major fault, but thank you for reminding me that I don't have a reason to be insecure. Thank you for telling me I'm beautiful, smart, a good friend, funny, and worth everything my heart desires. Thank you for not letting me be too hard on myself. Thank you for reminding me that I am something special.

Thank you for appreciating my heart

My favorite thing about myself is my capability to love others. I am such a sensitive soul with a heart for people, and many do not understand why I am this way. Some even tell me I am too sweet, too loving, or too giving.  Thank you for constantly reminding me that this is my greatest quality, that there is no such thing as too much love, and reminding me not to settle on anyone who doesn't see and appreciate it. 

Thank you for snuggling me when I am sad/lonely

When life gets you down, what's better than a cuddle fest with your best girl!?!

Basically Em, I love you to the moon and back and twice around the stars. I am so thankful that you keep me honest, true to myself, and not settling for crappy things in life. I am so thankful to be able to call you my best friend and soul mate. I truly have no clue where I'd be without you. 

     

The 10 Things Nobody Prepared me for in Losing my Dad at 20

Everybody loses their parents, it is a very real fact of life. We come to earth, we live, we die --the legacy we leave behind lies in our children's memories and their own futures. It seems that this reality, the one in which your parent dies, should not be a difficult one to understand, for it is natural. However, no one could have prepared me for this. The ten things nobody prepared me for in losing my dad at the age of 20:

1. No one told me that I would feel so empty.
     Days go by where I can feel a physical emptiness inside myself. This sadness is so much more than sadness, it is a physical manifestation of the pain and loneliness I feel.  It is almost impossible to describe the void that appears almost instantaneously after a parent passes, but it is real...too real. You can be feeling totally normal one day (whatever normal is I guess) and then a memory comes to you and your stomach sinks creating a pit that cannot be filled.

2. No one told me that I would cry so much.
    I am not a crier. I am the kind of person who pretends I am fine one hundred percent of the time and never lets anybody see me at a weak moment. If I cry, it is when I am alone in the shower with music turned up so nobody could possibly know how distraught I am. But not now. I cry all the freaking time and it is so overwhelming. Especially for somebody who does not respond well when I see other people cry, I am almost disgusted with my sensitivity. And once it starts, I blow up and have a meltdown until my body physically cannot produce anymore tears. I have become used to wearing sunglasses in public so nobody can see my puffy eyes, and the most difficult part of it is that you DO NOT WANT TO BE THAT PERSON!!! If it was in my power I would suck it up, but I simply cannot.

3. No one told me how hurtful other people's words can be.
    I have truly learned the value of being kind to others in this experience. I have heard my whole life that you should treat other people with care because you never know the battle they are facing privately. I now understand the weight of this lesson. I have had moments at the grocery store, or meeting new people, or even catching up with old friends when something will be said that rips me apart. Of course these instances are accidental, but it still hurts. I have also had things said to me with malicious intent and have learned the cruelty that can be the human race. I have had numerous people tell me I should "really get over it and stop being depressed" and I have even had people accuse me of faking my father's death for attention. Seriously, it is hard enough dealing with the loss and even harder dealing with scrutiny in it.

4. No one told me how alone I would feel.
    It is very hard to be around other people when you feel that nobody understands what you are feeling. Your best friends care so much and want to help, but you have a hard time explaining to them the feelings that you are experiencing. Even in an environment where you are surrounded by people, you still feel entirely alone. Sometimes, you become a recluse because it is almost easier than faking a smile around others.

5. No one told me how hard Christmas would be.
   I have never had a more tear-filled Christmas for me and my whole family.  It was so strange not seeing my dad's giddy expressions as he opened the traditional hot wheels, shot glasses, and nascar stuff from each of us kids. He was always so excited, even if it was just a picture or painting. He always expelled so much love towards us kids, and the absence of that this Christmas was almost unbearable.

6. No one told me that people would avoid me.
   I have lost contact with many friends simply because they do not know how to handle an Amber that is struggling with severe depression. I have truly learned who will stand by my side through anything and which friends are only along for the surface level relationship. I have lost a large portion of my friends due to a lack of understanding in where I am and what I am feeling. I understand though, I would not want to be tasked with the responsibility of holding up someone who is inevitably falling closer and closer to the ground daily.

7. No one told me I would become needy.
   I have spent my whole life proudly being Miss Independent, I have never once needed anyone else to make me happy or even motivate me to get out of bed. But lately, I find myself requiring so much reassurance in who I am. It's like I have become unsure of my worth due to sadness. I have become so full of uncertainty in how others feel about me and it has made me almost needy. If I could change one thing on this list, this would be it. I am not used to being dependent on others for my happiness, but I promise in time I will be back to normal, stubborn, independent Amber. Until then, please just bare with me and reassure me that this isn't permanent and you love me despite my neediness.

8. No one told me I would forget.
   The scariest part of losing a parent is in forgetting parts of them. I have had numerous full fledged anxiety attacks over simply being unable to recall what my dad looks like, or smells like, or worst of all sounds like. You go your whole life seeing somebody, and hearing their voice in your nightly phone calls and then they are gone. They vanish. And no matter how much you wish you could change it, no matter how hard you cry on the floor of your bedroom, you are unable to bring them back. They are gone. Obviously, I can just look at a picture and see him and remember, but nothing hurts more than not being able to hear in my mind's voice exactly how he said I love you. I will never hear those words again from him so all I have are those memories, and when they fade, even if just for a few moments, it is searing, unendurable pain.

9. No one told me that I would cry anytime someone mentioned weddings.
   Every little girl imagines and creates their perfect wedding as they grow up, complete with a beautiful dress, a handsome groom, flowers, and Daddy walking you down the aisle. My heart collapses at the thought of this never becoming a reality for me. When my dad first got sick years ago, he promised me to fight as hard as he could so he could be there on my wedding day and now I am left to one day experience that day in his absence. When I lived with my dad in middle school we decided that we would dance to "You'll be in my Heart" from Tarzan at my wedding, and now I can't even listen to that song without tearing up. It is so devastating to me that something as joyous as a wedding can be tainted by the loss of my best friend. Don't even get me started on the idea of having children...

10. No one ever told me how confusing it would be.
    Confusing. That is the best word I can use to describe it. No matter how prepared you are, you will never be ready and you are left confused in their absence. You almost feel stupid, because everyone's parents die at some point, but that doesn't change how devastated you are. In your 20's you are officially growing up, there are so many questions left unanswered --indefinitely. No one told me about the internal battle I would face about how I feel. I want to be okay, but I simply cannot and that is confusing. No one told me that my sadness would come and go. That I would have days where I am completely okay and almost forget that he is gone, and then the next day remember and almost feel guilty for functioning normally the day before. No one told me how much I would be in battle with my own emotions. No one told me how much I would miss him. Although, I don't think you can ever adequately capture in words just how deep and intense the longing for their presence can be and how completely numbing missing them is.

But now, I am telling you that you will be okay!
    I promise you, if I can do it you can too. Chin up. I have learned one thing in this trial:

You can love somebody so much in this life, but you will never love somebody as much as you will miss them. The important thing is to keep going and give them a legacy they would be proud of.