Hopeless. Lost. Angry. Lonely. Confused. Depressed. Exhausted. No, I am not okay so please don't ask. Also, if the words you think you want to say to me fall somewhere along the lines of, "In time this will get better," or, "This pain will pass," or maybe even, "God heals all things, and I am here for you. It was his time to go, so you will be okay as soon as the shock wears off." JUST DON'T!
I understand the sincere concerns and genuine care all of these words express, but the truth is they make it worse. My heart aches with a pain many of you cannot fathom, not only over the loss of my father but the irony in timing. I will never be okay, and this pain will never pass. The truth is, I will wake up everyday a little more numb to the thought of losing my best friend, but I will never be okay. Our hearts are tricky things, they have this uncanny ability to help you by placing scar tissue over even the largest of lacerations, but it only takes one memory to reopen that scar tissue and feel all the pain again. I was not okay yesterday, I am not okay today, and I sure as hell won't be tomorrow.
I will forever miss the unlimited amounts of phone calls I got daily just to remind me how much I was loved. I will constantly long for just one more hug. I will always wish I could rub his swollen, sore, feet just once more. Every time I see a hot wheel, dragon, or shot glass I will think of the man that altered my life in so many ways. Not many of you know my story, and it's not one that I like to tell because of how much pain it causes me, so I won't. I will summarize by saying childhood was rough. My dad made poor choices, which caused great consequences for my mother and his kids, but that didn't mean he didn't love us. He loved us so much more than I ever could understand. Despite his anger and addictions, he had his good days and those are the days I will cling to for the rest of my time here. My dad did some horrible things, but about 5 years ago he decided to change it all and choose a new life. His story is one of growth, self evaluation, and atoning. He spent the last 5 years apologizing for the past, and he wanted us kids to know that the man we remember from our early years was not who he was. He wanted our forgiveness. He loved us so much and needed us to know that.
Jonathan Edward Mann was a fighter. Years ago we were told he wouldn't live to see the next Christmas, but my daddy kept saying he wouldn't let that happen because he had two girls to walk down the isle. He fought so hard, and it was only for us. It would have been so much easier for him to give up, to leave this god awful place, and disappear into an ever so inviting blackness, but he didnt. Not a day went by in the last 5 years that my dad didn't tell me how much I meant to him, or how proud he was of my accomplishments. He loved so selflessly, that I can only dream to be like him.
Why will today and tomorrow be so hard for me? Let me tell you about my favorite tradition. My dad loved fireworks, and even more than he loved fireworks, he loved me. The fifth of July is my birthday, so every fourth my dad would begin celebrating as soon as it got dark. We would light fireworks until midnight. Then when the clock struck twelve, every year my dad bought me a special birthday firework (one of those 50 dollar 10 minute long ones) and he would light it off and sing happy birthday to me the entire time the thing wailed and threw sparks. The night between the fourth and the fifth has always been our time. My daddy and me. I know it might sound ridiculous, but that is why my heart hurts so badly. I can't imagine another independence day or birthday without his smile and warm hugs.
I know that my dad was sick for a long time, and I should have been at least somewhat prepared, but one is never ready to say goodbye. Especially not to a man who loved so fully.
I will always miss you dad, and to be honest I don't know how I am going to get through tonight, let alone the rest of my life. I can't imagine a wedding day, a graduation, Christmas, or having kids without you in my life. I can't even find the desire to get out of bed. I wish I could tell you that I forgive you. I forgive you for everything. And I am sorry that I wasn't as there for you as I should have been towards the end. You are a true inspiration of turning your life around and fixing relationships, I only hope I can be half the Mann you were. I love you to the moon and back.
"Hugs. Squeezers. Kisses."
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