A Deeper Explanation

 

                A few days ago, my best friends and I took an entirely spontaneous trip to the ocean. This is not an unusual occurrence for me, as I find the sound of the waves the most calming of any melody this world produces. I often discover myself evading the treachery of the current life I am living through the escapement offered to me when my foot touches the gas pedal of my car. Lately, this ability to disappear for a short time to beautiful locations has allowed me to circumvent the frustration I have with this load I am bearing. This time, I was lucky enough to enjoy the company of some of the people who mean the most to me. After some mediation, guided by the symphony of the waves, we began discussing the intricacy that is life itself. Paige asked me if I had feelings for someone, and if so what I saw coming from them –for those of you who know me well, you know my opinions on being in love and relationships, and are probably wondering why she would have subjected herself to such torture as to listen to my pessimistic response –but it is clear that Paige cares deeply about everyone around her and genuinely wants to penetrate the walls that they have formed. But I fear I may not have adequately represented myself in my emotional war with the idea of love.

                I have been thinking a lot these last few days about the conversation we had. About what love is, and what exactly it resonates within me. Mainly it manufactures a sense of fear that I worry will always saturate my life. Secretly, yet not so secretly, I am a hopeless romantic. I want nothing more in this life than to find a boy who is going to change all of my distaste for relationships, one who will demonstrate what it means to be selfless. I fear that my expectations are rather unrealistic in nature and allow for great disappointment and solitude. I am terrified because when I love, I want to I love with my whole being. I do not possess the capability to compartmentalize my passions. I long to open my heart up entirely to those who mean the most to me and allow them to capture pieces of my soul that are unfathomably fragile. When I love, I want to love fiercely. I fear that this type of love is suffocating to others and leaves me entirely vulnerable.

I guess one could say I am cynical about relationships due to a lack of trust in my fellow man. Essentially I would agree, but it is so much more than that. It is the idea of the great apotheosis. That is, that one elevates an idea or a being to a divine status; however, once they have been able to grasp that entity that they have lifted to a dream like stature, they realize that all is not as glorious as when they fantasized it initially. For everything ends in time. There will always be hurt, disappointment, and death. Another great part of my hesitance in romantics is my own self-deprecation. I realize and fully understand that I have possibly one of the lowest self-esteems that has ever existed, and that is not anyone’s worriment but my own. I find no value in what I have to offer to another. I do not wish to subject another soul to the deep pit of pessimism that mine has so gradually become, nor do I feel that anyone should allow themselves to feel responsible for providing happiness in my life. I am a firm believer that you cannot fix someone, you can only stand by them in spite of their short comings –I fear I have too many.

Now, I am not saying that I do not have romantic feelings. As I stated, I am entirely a hopeless romantic with all together way too high of expectations. I definitely have people I enjoy the company of more than others. I am attracted to others, mainly on a basis of personality and capability to be real. I crush…HARD. I openly welcome the opportunity for love to appear in my life, because even for the small amount of time that flings endure, they are worth the moments of happiness that come from them and the potential for a change in my opinions. Since I was 16 I have had a rule that I still live by today: I will give anybody with enough courage to ask me on a date a shot. Even if it is just one date, just one chance at creating our own destiny, I will not deny them the opportunity to prove me wrong. (After that one chance, the choice to politely decline further invitations is mine to make.) My expectations are clear yet steep and rather unreasonable, this I understand. Perfection is impossible, but that does not mean that as a people we should stop striving to achieve it.

All I know is this: If I ever do find myself falling in love, it will be simply with the mind, and character of a truly genuine person.