Cyborg

I don’t know how to make this burning feeling in my chest go away. I fear I have cried all the tears my body will allow and now my body has found another way to react to these raw emotions. My heart is so confused, my feelings are so hurt, who I am seems to have been shattered and I do not know how to begin to be normal again. I can’t tell if this feeling in my chest is emptiness or pressure, it’s a strange feeling, a physical manifestation of loss.

I wish I could sleep. I wish I could sit in quiet and not think of you or what I would have been doing in this exact moment were you still here, but I wish you peace. My whole life seems to have changed overnight and I can’t find my footing to stand back up. Will I ever be myself again or am I a new me? I’m not sure I like the new me, if that’s the case.  I feel lost and alone and like I have absolutely no answers. I don’t know how to talk to people about what my heart is feeling and my head is thinking, all I know how to do is hide behind this computer screen and my journals. God, is this lonely.  I thought I had a plan for my life. We talked about starting a family one day, and now that vision is one that pains me to ponder. I miss you. I miss my best friend. Mostly, I miss what I thought we were. We were growing, but growing together because that’s what it means to grow old with someone.

I wish I could tell you these things, and have it matter. I wish you understood my heart. I wish I could stop missing you quickly, but I worry I may never stop missing you at all. It’s strange how one person can be so madly in love and the other be so great at pretending. It’s almost inconceivable to me that one person can be so honest (too honest you would say) and the other be so skilled at hiding their feelings. I wish you would have been more open and I wish I would have listened to the words you weren’t saying. Sometimes the things that aren’t said are more important than the things that are.

I wish I could be the cyborg you think I am, maybe then this wouldn’t hurt so badly.