Dear Dad, Tell Me How

Dear Dad,
    Tell me how to be okay without you. Please. I need to know the secret to not missing you like crazy everyday. Tell me how to feel you here with me even though you are not any longer. Tell me how to not let this anxiety overtake my existence. Teach me how to have your resilience. Daddy, I am not done learning from you yet. I am not done growing into the woman that you would be proud of, but I need help. I can't do this alone.
     I don't want to be so terrified of the future, I don't want to have this fear any longer. Please tell me how to rid my life of it. I woke up today feeling anxious about the day ahead of me, the weeks ahead of me, the years. Sometimes it just hits me that I will face these multitude of days without hearing from you and that thought is paralyzing. When I lost you I told myself that I wouldn't date anyone new simply because they wouldn't have known the most pivotal man in my life, but I met someone new and I would give anything for you to know him. I am not as anxious about this as I thought I would be months ago, I think it is because I know you would love him. He has many of the qualities I loved about you. He is a selfless person, he is sweet, he would give me the shirt off of his back, if I needed it. He takes good care of me, and I know you would have fallen in love with him as quickly as I have. And yet, even with this knowledge, even with the clarity of mind that he would have your approval, I feel anxious. I feel anxious for no reason really, and because of that I feel crazy. I would give anything to have met him earlier simply so he could know you.
     I guess what scares me most is that my life is continuing on without you. I know that essentially this is a good thing. It is amazing that I have grown enough in the last nine months to build a life without you directly in it, but God, it is so terrifying. I am starting a new chapter in my life and you aren't here to observe it --that breaks me. I decided to take a night to myself tonight to just wallow. That's okay right? It's okay to just cry and to miss you, right? I know what you're thinking, "Amber, you shouldn't be alone. You should ask a friend to be there with you." But Daddy, I can't. I hate being weak in front of people and it hurts even more because the only person I want to be there with me is driving tanks and race cars in heaven. Tell me how to feel you near so I can get through this evening without you physically by my side. Tell me how to remember what your voice sounds like so I can hear you tell me you are proud of me. Tell me how to not miss you in such a crippling fashion.

Hugs, Squeezers, Kisses
See you soon.